Nihil
Student
- Mar 4, 2019
- 111
So I've been somewhat on the road to recovery from severe depression, and have been making active strides in trying to improve my life. Got a good job, my own car, am slowly paying down debts, and for once, I have hope that things might get better. My previous depressive episode was the worst in my life, and I had a few auditory and visual hallucinations in the midst of it. Also had a few suicide attempts. I don't have suicidal hallucinations anymore, but I have found that suicidal ideation can come right back on quite fiercely whenever I get overwhelmed with stress or have had a bad day. My brain literally obsesses over it, I get a roaring headache, and it then starts to dissipate after a few hours. During the midst of it, I greatly struggle in trying to make it stop, but it's as though my brain forces the suicidal thoughts onto me. Like, if there's some external stressor at work that even turns out to be nothing, the suicidal ideation comes back on fiercely and then slowly fades afterwards.
Why is my brain doing that to me? Is this something that's going to be the new normal for me? Have I permanently damaged my brain from previous suicide attempts? I haven't sustained any physical injuries, but the psychological trauma, I wonder...if it's permanently altered my brain chemistry. I don't know. Some days when the ideation comes on strong, it can make it hard to get through the day, let alone recover with trying to rebuild my life. I have found that nowadays, it's a lot harder for me to cope with external stressors. My default mental response to it seems to be more suicidal ideation. Does anyone in recovery experience this sort of thing? If so, do you have any techniques/advice for lessening suicidal ideation whenever it flares up from a random stressor?
Why is my brain doing that to me? Is this something that's going to be the new normal for me? Have I permanently damaged my brain from previous suicide attempts? I haven't sustained any physical injuries, but the psychological trauma, I wonder...if it's permanently altered my brain chemistry. I don't know. Some days when the ideation comes on strong, it can make it hard to get through the day, let alone recover with trying to rebuild my life. I have found that nowadays, it's a lot harder for me to cope with external stressors. My default mental response to it seems to be more suicidal ideation. Does anyone in recovery experience this sort of thing? If so, do you have any techniques/advice for lessening suicidal ideation whenever it flares up from a random stressor?