Help how to not go crazy when u cant tell anyone anything?

[melmeli]

basically what it says on the title i guess >_< my birthday is coming up soon so in preparation ive gone on a "offline break" so that hopefully i dont bother anyone if/when i get super suicidal later on.

short story short, basically suicidal for several years, shouldnt have made it to this old, havent really planned for the future cause i didnt plan on having one, yadda yadda etc whatever. but like it sucks not having anyone to talk tho even tho nearly every time ive talked to my bf abt its like Never been productive. i think the extent of the productivity from those convos is making me tired enough that i cant focus on thinking abt killing myself which like ok i guess thats one way

ok ya so anyhow. dont wanna bother ppl, but do want to talk to ppl even tho i know it wont really help, how do i not go crazy keeping it all to myself (esp when it gets really bad???) ?

(the crazy here is a sorta exaggeration but yknow just like. ya :P)

 

[untraveler]

You can tell us. I know it's not irl, but it's something. You could also talk about this with your therapist, probably in healthier way. You can combine both, if you want. This is what I do atm. I'm here only when I'm in my darkest times, though. Maybe it's that exact need to tell others you describe? I don't know. I would never say a final direct goodbye to my therapist. Only here. I would never tell about my si to my family or friends or other people irl. Only to my therapist and here. I do sometimes wish I could tell others and have true philosophical discussions and be more open about it, but I know they wouldn't respect or let me make my own decision.

There was one and only one person, who was a real close friend irl who I told about si in a deliquate way. But this relationship was something special. A soulmate. But this was kind of crazy, too. But also very intimate like nothing else. We could talk for hours about philosophy and psychology and discuss many difficult topics. We could psychoanalysis each other and learn about each other and ourselves. It was therapeutic. It was kind of weird and couldn't last forever. It was so intimate with her it's like our ego would melt when no one else was around. She was really asking what's that I don't want to tell sometimes. When I told her about my si, she didn't even judge me. She told me she also have si for a long time. She started laughing and she and then we started joking about it, which made me only confused, because it was not reaction I'd expect. It made me also worried about her and we could talk about it. All while laying naked being really close. I do believe this is super rare to experience and I'm forever thankful for it, so I wouldn't recommend risking by telling it any close friend. I didn't tell her right away, too. We were building that trust for a long time. As a friends from the beginning, by just talking. Although we kissed maybe a year later and some time later started to have sex, which was always just too good and intimate with her. It only deepen our relationship to the point I could trust her with telling about my si. We don't really talk anymore, because our relationship only started to harm us, especially her and her broken heart. She obviously still knows about my si, but I still trust her she'll keep my secret. And I will keep her secret, too. We ended it on good terms, even though it was hurtful. I wish her well forever. Because I love her. But I never told her that, because I didn't want a real relationship and she knew that. And I still woudn't and I'm glad she's doing better now without me. I'm sorry for a weird long story, but I kind of wanted to draw a picture how it was something weird and special and rare and why I don't recommend telling anyone. But I did it and it was really unique and happened to be positive experience. One of few memories definetely worth keeping.

 

[melmeli]

@untraveler I'm glad you had someone like that !! seemed like it was really nice. on my end, one of the issues is well, i dont have a therapist. i was actually gonna ask my parents if they could help me get one for my birthday but i mean i guess we'll see if i make it lol. and as tempting as it is to be able to vent on this site i dont really want to be on here much — if i get really bad, i know itll be too tempting to just head on over to suicide discussion and do something impulsive x_x would love to hear if u have any other ideas >_<

 

[padda]

personally journaling works for me. Either on paper or like in notes. I will vent about everything like someone would read it, but no one does. Sometimes I pretend that it is for someone. Maybe it can help you?

 

[aiyuxhan]

Journaling and voice dictation apps like CocoonWeaver is a good way to talk it out and let it all out.

You can also talk to us here as well! Make a post. Or message someone and ask, "Hey, can I just talk to you?"

And I know this sounds stupid, but I also talk to my plushies. They never judge me lolol!

 

[melmeli]

@padda @aiyuxhan thank u both ! ill try out journaling and see how that goes o7 and ill look into that app as well ^_^

 

[untraveler]

and as tempting as it is to be able to vent on this site i dont really want to be on here much — if i get really bad, i know itll be too tempting to just head on over to suicide discussion and do something impulsive x_x would love to hear if u have any other ideas >_<

Well I do lurk on every subforum. I get what you mean. And I agree it's probably not very healthy to be here for a long time. It feels that way to me.

I'm coming here at my lowest, when si hit me really hard. I do research then on which methods I could use to ctb and how not to f this up. It is a sad and kind of scary thing to do. And only here I could talk methods safely, which gives me some kind of freedom. I guess a therapist on the other hand, would probably try to focus your thoughts on something more productive and healthy. Which I think my therapist did often. Which I guess is good, if you want to fight.

And when I'm low, I often feel like I'm on the edge, like I want to finally give up, finally ctb, because I have no more hope. But somehow I keep fighting. I did improve myself over years a lot, like it's hard to believe. Years of hard work on myself. Years of therapy, too. I'm still a mess, though. This brings me to the other subforum.

I also lurk on recovery section here and I do respect and understand the will to fight. And I like giving emotional support, too. I often need one, too. Sometimes too often. I feel good and useful if I can help and inspire someone. I also like recovery subforum because I think many interesting discussions could be talked here, with more... "recovery" direction.

In both subforums I am genuinly interested in what people think. It's often sad and hopeless, but I can see different perspectives and not be the one who judges. I understand the need to ctb and it's not my decision nor my responsibility nor reasons if one does it. I would rather have a real conversation than annoying cliche negotiation on whether to ctb. This forum gives me that, as ctb is a taboo irl. But I also believe that a real conversation could sometimes at least postpone someone's ctb, which I think often could be a good thing.

What I want to say is that this forum has potential to do both opposite ways. It's up to you which direction you like the most. You don't need to visit here at all and if you don't, I'd see it as your life improvent. What I do recommend though is a theraphy. There are many kinds. Find one for you. Be open to honest try.

You could also try to focus on some sort of art maybe? How about creating music and songs? You could express your dark thoughts irl through art. It's not direct conversation like you describe in first post, but it's something you can do irl. I think art likes dark themes. Might be not easy to do, though, but it might give you something to do and focus on. And you can learn and practice to improve in the future.

Maybe another idea will come to you.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hey!
A lot in common. I've also had suicidal ideation for years and had my birthday a couple days ago, even though I had promised I'd never see that day. Also went on an "offline break" and by that I mean I have not spoken to pretty much anyone for months as a way to "get them used to it". This I would not recommend but I'm honest here. I plan to end that streak once I get my shit together soon, which brings me to:

Talking. You are right that if you keep it to yourself you can go a lil crazy. i have. Talking to people does help, sometimes, somehow, I just don't ask questions anymore I just talk to ppl. 10/10 would recommend. Not just anyone tho.

Journaling is great. It's like thinking + or premium or whatever. Talking to yourself from a week ago is weird and productive, because psychology. And it's easy once you get to it.
Therapy can do wonders. I can't stress that enough. Those are the productive conversations. If you can ask that of your parents for your birthday I strongly suggest you do. You don't even have to tell them about your suicidal ideation, just that you'd like to sort some stuff out with one or smth, you know the drill and its ok.
Randos on the internet. Also suprisingly helpful. Like therapy but in a more coloquial manner and with people who are going through the same emotions. You can learn a lot form other's experiences, share, vent, vent, vent a lot and it also gives you perspective on your own situation. Sometimes I read about someone going through so much shit that it cheers me up a lil about my situation. It sounds mean but if it keeps me alive for a day I can't even complain. Also vent.

Also also I'm really glad you don't plan on staying here much. Honestly I consider that myself often. I really wish less people learn about this place, because it's filled with extremely kind caring souls in a lot of pain and they are like 5 clicks away to an amazon link to die of impulse. There are better forums and servers without that part. You are better off here in the long run. However, for as long as you want to stay you can pm me any time :D
Take care <3

 

[citrusrope]

Honestly journaling didn't help much for me after a certain point because ultimately it was still "talking to myself." Not to mention, if you have a LOT of thoughts and feelings, trying to write them out and your hand struggling to keep up with all the thoughts needing to be written out is another type of *frustrating*!!!! Thought that's not me telling anyone else that it doesn't or can't work at all, please try it out yourself because everyone is different!

I actually started talking to myself out loud unintentionally because at least over journaling it felt like my thoughts were leaving my body in a physical way, and no wait-time for my hand to finish writing the last sentence before starting a new one onto a new thought. (Even if after awhile the novelty of that also wore off, it still helped in the heat of the moment of feeling frustrated and like everything was being bottled up within me.)

I will say, I'm also cautious in talking to another person because sometimes, telling what I feel to someone else made me feel worse in some regards. I already knew how my parents would react or what they'd say to me in response to me telling them what I was feeling, but I still stupidly decided to because I guess I had some stupid hope left that maybe this time would be different. Nope. Same responses that made me feel worse lol.

Vent art has helped me tremendously sometimes though. Either drawing out and illustrating what I was feeling for when words don't do the trick. Stuff like that. I did buy a coloring book 'cause I heard it can help to distract you and calm you down by mindlessly coloring stuff but I haven't tried it yet so when I do maybe I'll post about the experience...

 

[melmeli]

thank u all :') genuinely touched by the fact u all took the time to reply... i do actually draw but somehow never considered vent art, will definitely try that out as well, and yes, maybe talking too :P thank u all again i really appreciate it