How to Overcome Envy Spiraling??

[emptyenvelopes]

Does anyone else struggle with envy? I hate to admit it but I do. Specifically in regards to seeing people with the life I want. For example, I'm single and when I see a couple in love and happy I get so envious. More than that, it's like my mind automatically spirals into a dark place. It starts with envy, then the wave of loneliness hits me, then my brain replays memories of when I was happy in past relationships. Then I snap back to the present and I just get so unbelievably sad.

I'm so embarrassed about this envy that I put all my energy towards hiding it. I'm happy for the couple, but it's so much effort to not let me face show how pained I feel. And once I start feeling that envy, I spiral into a dark place that I know is not good for my mental health.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be happy for others and see them happy and not have it affect me. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone have any advice? I would love to hear your thoughts.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

I'm very much like this. I see people my age (mid-20s) I follow on instagram getting married, and I feel envious that they have someone who loves them and can share a life with. It hurts because it both makes me feel bad about my romantic life, and bad that I feel envious.

I think people tend to go one of two ways from these thoughts. Some people shift blame externally and believe it's society's fault and blame couples or groups (like how incels blame women for being single). I veer hard into the opposite way where I harshly blame myself for it. And then I spiral too, thinking about all the things I perceive as wrong with me.

I try to be kind and not put so much hatred on myself, but that's easier said than done. Still, the last kind of person I want to end up as is a bitter old man who gave up hope long ago

 

[emptyenvelopes]

I'm very much like this. I see people my age (mid-20s) I follow on instagram getting married, and I feel envious that they have someone who loves them and can share a life with. It hurts because it both makes me feel bad about my romantic life, and bad that I feel envious.

I think people tend to go one of two ways from these thoughts. Some people shift blame externally and believe it's society's fault and blame couples or groups (like how incels blame women for being single). I veer hard into the opposite way where I harshly blame myself for it. And then I spiral too, thinking about all the things I perceive as wrong with me.

I try to be kind and not put so much hatred on myself, but that's easier said than done. Still, the last kind of person I want to end up as is a bitter old man who gave up hope long ago

I relate to you so much. I lean more towards blaming myself too. I've struggled with a low self-esteem all my life. And something I've noticed I have to be diligent with practicing self-compassion or else that self-blame creeps up on me when feel envious of others.

How do you deal with it in your own life?

 

[Trismegistus_13]

I remind myself that I don't actually know anything about them (learned from my therapist). Think about it, that couple walking down the street together: you don't actually know anything about them except that they're likely dating. They could be in abusive relationship, they could have lost a parent the day before, or have to go pay a large fine for speeding that week or got fired. We imagine they have this perfect life that we deeply desire, but they could actually miserable and just putting on an act; we don't know.

 

[emptyenvelopes]

I remind myself that I don't actually know anything about them (learned from my therapist). Think about it, that couple walking down the street together: you don't actually know anything about them except that they're likely dating. They could be in abusive relationship, they could have lost a parent the day before, or have to go pay a large fine for speeding that week or got fired. We imagine they have this perfect life that we deeply desire, but they could actually miserable and just putting on an act; we don't know.

That's a good tip, thanks for sharing. What about with people you do know? People who you are close to and have known for years that you are envious of?

 

[Trismegistus_13]

That's a good tip, thanks for sharing. What about with people you do know? People who you are close to and have known for years that you are envious of?

I don't really feel that envious of them because I already know their real lives, and they all have at least one quality I would absolutely hate to have.

(Names changed obviously) Allie has a strong track record of getting into abusive relationships. Sid doesn't wear a seat belt and isn't a great driver. Kacey had one bad relationship years ago and because of it, doesn't know if she'll ever find love. Drew and his fiancée both really want to live in two different cities, and it's put strain on them.

I don't have anyone I would call a friend that I don't know at least one bad thing about. Even my cousins have some problems like regretting their career choice, having a really bad back, and being very impulsive.

What friends do you have whose lives you envy?

 

[broth0100]

Yes, id say envy is one of the feelings tht causes me the most problems. Really drives me crazy. I dont have it remotely figured out, but i think a good start might just b letting urself feel the feeling w/o judging urself n making urself feel bad like "yea it makes sense tht i feel this way actually, im envious bc im in a lot of emotional pain" n just kind of trying to sympathize w urself n ur anguish in tht way. Tht sort of thing

 

[emptyenvelopes]

Yes, id say envy is one of the feelings tht causes me the most problems. Really drives me crazy. I dont have it remotely figured out, but i think a good start might just b letting urself feel the feeling w/o judging urself n making urself feel bad like "yea it makes sense tht i feel this way actually, im envious bc im in a lot of emotional pain" n just kind of trying to sympathize w urself n ur anguish in tht way. Tht sort of thing

This is helpful thank you. Feeling without condemning oneself is something I have not tried but sounds like wouldn't least remove a layer of guilt for feeling envy in the first place

I don't really feel that envious of them because I already know their real lives, and they all have at least one quality I would absolutely hate to have.

(Names changed obviously) Allie has a strong track record of getting into abusive relationships. Sid doesn't wear a seat belt and isn't a great driver. Kacey had one bad relationship years ago and because of it, doesn't know if she'll ever find love. Drew and his fiancée both really want to live in two different cities, and it's put strain on them.

I don't have anyone I would call a friend that I don't know at least one bad thing about. Even my cousins have some problems like regretting their career choice, having a really bad back, and being very impulsive.

What friends do you have whose lives you envy?

Makes sense, thanks for your insight

 

[whywere]

For me, being at 68 years old, I can actually say that I never have had envy in my life.

It all started when I was born and my "parents" DID NOT want me, as I was a male child, and they REALLY wanted a female. Back in 1956, it would have been social suicide for them to leave me at the hospital, as they thought of it, but their pride came into play and so I went "home". I spent 18 years being called the "mistake" to my face, in public, heavens everywhere.

I have a older brother and a younger sister, who got almost everything they wanted growing up and I got food, a roof over my head and a shirt on my back and no more period.

From that beginning, not only material things, but "jealousy" of others never came into play for me. Even to this day, my 2 siblings always complain about everything and anything.

When I was 18, I was dropped off at street curb with a plastic bag of my clothes and no money at all. So, I started out homeless and hungry and now at 68, I have done well, and all of it is of my own doing and I am happy.

One aspect that life has taught me is that if I cannot be happy with nothing, then material things will not add anything positive to the mix of life. I have through the decades seen too many grumbles, back stab and worse to get "stuff" and guess what? they are STILL unhappy.

Just like on here, I hope and pray that folks can enjoy a beautiful sunrise or sunset and be astounded not only by nature but to just take a deep breath and be in the moment.

Huge hugs and love to everyone here always.

Walter