eatingmyselfaway
breaking down
- May 14, 2021
- 19
My partner said to me that we do stuff to forget like the alcoholics or drug users referring to my desire to watch some youtube and relax after breakdown and it made me so sick to my guts. You know I actually do this a lot, I try to forget how misarable I am and how my biggest accomplishment in life is rasing a cat or cleaning dishes yesterday. I am poor, I have no real hobby because I can't focus on something long enough for it to become one, I have no skills and ultimately no job because I was diagnosed with mental ilnesess in my 13 which is why I have no real degree or anything. I am reaching my 30 and as much as I try to deny but it takes a toll on me. My life will never be like I imagine it to be. I mean I never had high expectation but a usual package of a cozy home small loving family and a hobby or two will be enough for me. But I know that this is no - no for me. I am traumatized by my childhood so deep that I am still having issues with life and relationship in general. Today I went outside and my anxiety was so high that I almost passed out because of my heart rate being so high. While I'm typing this for the third time I've remembered someone saying that you can grief something that will never happen, like grieving for your parent affection even though they are gone. Like this might help with the question I am having. Grief over the life that is not mine, grief over my dreams. I guess that lives me with depression meaning that acceptance is not far off huh?
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