How to start over

[rem2024]

Hello,

First time to post, noticed mine was not discussed. I am 41, single female with Autism, or level 1, formerly high functioning autism.

I tired to end my life 4 times last month charcoal burning and failed each time, with each attempt getting worse, and 2 of those attempts being interrupted by some dear friends.

However, I am tired, as I have been bullied and made fun of my entire life because of autism, every kind of medication you can think of, 100s of hours of counseling on how to talk to people, constant therapy. Now at 41, I'm just tired.

I am only typing this here, as I sit outside to go into church this morning, hiding these feelings, because if you even mention this word people freak out.

This is not even me being angry at the world anymore, or my situation, or stuff that has happened, or not being able to provide for my self.

But what would recovery look like? I have contacted several psychiatrist and they won't take up my case, said it's to difficult with autism and a personality disorder.

I have a counselor who I seen for 10 years, my story has been shared among different. social groups, but that does not help pay bills.

At this point, I'm exhausted from the constant up hill battle of failing school, losing jobs, going homeless, relying on friends and church (my family doesn't care), just to make rent. Never knowing if I will make it to next month.

Not sure how to bring this up to church, because they just send you to police, or mental institution. The church, dose t really deal with anything outside marriage issues. And it's sad, that when you have this much internal conflict you feel lost.

Would there be discussion to be had, someone to discuss and talk to, before I start researching more methods?

I don't think I actually want to commit suicide, I believe I'm just tired and emotionally overwhelmed by trying to fit into this world.

Thanks for replying and reading if you did!

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Hello, welcome to SaSu

That is really a long time of dealing with severe problems... I'm sorry things haven't worked out when you tried so hard to recover, you really did give recovery a big chance.

Attempting so many times in the past month...I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now... I wish there were better words to convey to you, I don't think there is, I'm deeply sorry you've been suffering so much...

From what I gather, your issues are financial and also mental, problems with day to day living plus autism and a personality disorder on top. It's hard to know which battle to pick first since they will impact each other.

Please take everything I'm saying with a grain of salt as I don't know your life, the extent of the things you tried and how keen you are on recovery. You went through so much that I don't want to give advice, you read it and feeling bad because you've already tried it or because it doesn't apply to your case. Or just it hurting you because you're so tired that just reading about more work to do can be so hurtful.

I don't know what recovery could look like, I'm personally trying to find that too in my life. I'd ask what you are looking for - Are you looking to resolve financial issues first and mental problems later? What is the thing that hurts the most? What is the thing that, resolved, would make life more bearable?

Maybe writing out each problem, dividing it into small actionable problems, can give some clarity on how easy or hard they are to fix. Maybe if you experiment with writing a problem and a solution, you will find out that you may not need to resolve all problems to be content, maybe you just need to fix some.

This is really me brainstorming, I know life is much more complicated than this, but it's the best I can think about. I think there is so much in your life, the bigger picture is so bleak that it is hard to know what to look at objectively.

Really admire your strength of coming to the Recovery section after such a hard month of attempts, from such a hard long life of problems. I hope you feel welcomed here and that we can help you in someway. I'm sorry I don't have great advice, I hope what I wrote wasn't offensive as you clearly did a lot and I'm sure you may have tried something similar to what I said at some point.

I wish you the best

 

[rem2024]

Hello, welcome to SaSu

That is really a long time of dealing with severe problems... I'm sorry things haven't worked out when you tried so hard to recover, you really did give recovery a big chance.

Attempting so many times in the past month...I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now... I wish there were better words to convey to you, I don't think there is, I'm deeply sorry you've been suffering so much...

From what I gather, your issues are financial and also mental, problems with day to day living plus autism and a personality disorder on top. It's hard to know which battle to pick first since they will impact each other.

Please take everything I'm saying with a grain of salt as I don't know your life, the extent of the things you tried and how keen you are on recovery. You went through so much that I don't want to give advice, you read it and feeling bad because you've already tried it or because it doesn't apply to your case. Or just it hurting you because you're so tired that just reading about more work to do can be so hurtful.

I don't know what recovery could look like, I'm personally trying to find that too in my life. I'd ask what you are looking for - Are you looking to resolve financial issues first and mental problems later? What is the thing that hurts the most? What is the thing that, resolved, would make life more bearable?

Maybe writing out each problem, dividing it into small actionable problems, can give some clarity on how easy or hard they are to fix. Maybe if you experiment with writing a problem and a solution, you will find out that you may not need to resolve all problems to be content, maybe you just need to fix some.

This is really me brainstorming, I know life is much more complicated than this, but it's the best I can think about. I think there is so much in your life, the bigger picture is so bleak that it is hard to know what to look at objectively.

Really admire your strength of coming to the Recovery section after such a hard month of attempts, from such a hard long life of problems. I hope you feel welcomed here and that we can help you in someway. I'm sorry I don't have great advice, I hope what I wrote wasn't offensive as you clearly did a lot and I'm sure you may have tried something similar to what I said at some point.

I wish you the best

This was by far the most nicest reply I have ever had. It means a lot. Right now trying to tackial financial peice and apply to jobs while I continue to work. I do Uber and Lyft at the moment, over 30,000 rides. But the pay is slaves labor

 

[MarkSmith73]

Hello,

First time to post, noticed mine was not discussed. I am 41, single female with Autism, or level 1, formerly high functioning autism.

I tired to end my life 4 times last month charcoal burning and failed each time, with each attempt getting worse, and 2 of those attempts being interrupted by some dear friends.

However, I am tired, as I have been bullied and made fun of my entire life because of autism, every kind of medication you can think of, 100s of hours of counseling on how to talk to people, constant therapy. Now at 41, I'm just tired.

I am only typing this here, as I sit outside to go into church this morning, hiding these feelings, because if you even mention this word people freak out.

This is not even me being angry at the world anymore, or my situation, or stuff that has happened, or not being able to provide for my self.

But what would recovery look like? I have contacted several psychiatrist and they won't take up my case, said it's to difficult with autism and a personality disorder.

I have a counselor who I seen for 10 years, my story has been shared among different. social groups, but that does not help pay bills.

At this point, I'm exhausted from the constant up hill battle of failing school, losing jobs, going homeless, relying on friends and church (my family doesn't care), just to make rent. Never knowing if I will make it to next month.

Not sure how to bring this up to church, because they just send you to police, or mental institution. The church, dose t really deal with anything outside marriage issues. And it's sad, that when you have this much internal conflict you feel lost.

Would there be discussion to be had, someone to discuss and talk to, before I start researching more methods?

I don't think I actually want to commit suicide, I believe I'm just tired and emotionally overwhelmed by trying to fit into this world.

Thanks for replying and reading if you did!

I understand some of your issues. I'm just a bit older than you but I struggle with a severe learning disability, extreme fatigue from working a very physically demanding 10 hour a day job along with depression and regrets. My biggest issue is sleeping so Temazepam is my lifeline with that. A fifth or so of borboun does wonders throughout the day as well as eating anything I want. My biggest goal is staying strong emotionally and being here for my 15 year old daughter. But I really dislike the clean living freaks who don't understand how much certain things help. And I also felt out of place in the Suicide Discussion thread. I try to keep things relatively positive so wasn't the best fit for me there. What I can tell you is life is hard and it's meant to be hard. I can't explain exactly why it has to be so hard but it does. Stay strong and no matter what direction you choose it really does get better.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

This was by far the most nicest reply I have ever had. It means a lot. Right now trying to tackial financial peice and apply to jobs while I continue to work. I do Uber and Lyft at the moment, over 30,000 rides. But the pay is slaves labor

I'm glad my response was alright, thank you for that!

I'll be wishing you all the best for landing a new and better job. Uber and Lyft really pay poorly