wiIIow
Arcanist
- Sep 22, 2018
- 458
I'm not sure whether to classify this as a vent or an ask for help, I think it would be a bit of both. It's something I need to get off my chest, and I'd also like suggestions or words of comfort as this is really fucking me up and I'm not too sure what to do.
So my father and I used to have a very close relationship. My mother was very controlling and abusive, and so the little bits of time I got to spend with him were cherished escapes, and those segments of time are the parts of my life I go to when I think of my childhood - despite the fact that the majority of my childhood life was quite traumatic.
My dad used to be kind, compassionate, loving, and everything I needed in a parent. He tried his best to give me a comfortable place to escape to, and I idolized him as a kid. I always used to think, "well I got a shitty mom, but at least I have one good parent."
Well, recently I've had to come to terms with the fact that I've been in hardcore denial about the person my father has become. He's turned into an angry, manipulative, passive-aggressive asshole, and I've let him walk all over me out of fear, a desire to make him proud, and from clinging onto this past version of him that I basically tried to wish into existence.
I know he has some serious trauma and mental issues, but he's too proud and ridden with the rugged-individualism mindset to admit it or seek help. And god help you if you try to even hint that he may not be 100% perfect or right. He doesn't really show any love towards me anymore, and he only "checks in" on me when it's a precursor to guilt-tripping me into doing something for him (instead of just asking? It blows my mind that literally everything has to be a guilt-trip-laden production). He is very dismissive towards me. He's very hateful and openly racist/sexist. He's allegedly become physically and verbally abusive to his wife. He's not at all the person who raised me.
After fully coming to terms with this, I now feel like I'm mourning the loss of the one good parent I thought I had. I've started completely obsessing over memories of my childhood with him - to the point of even trying to fully immerse myself via music/video game soundtracks, seeking certain smells, driving to the town he used to live in and revisiting our old spots... I know this is very destructive and poison to my wellbeing but I can't fucking stop. It's like part of me thinks that if I dwell on it enough, I can actually physically go back. It's extremely addictive and I just want to be able to stop doing this, but it's difficult when I find no pleasure or redeeming qualities in my current state of existence where I'm simultaneously numb and suffering. It's just fucked up
Idk, that's it I guess. This is something that's dominating my life and I don't know what to do
Even if you don't reply, I appreciate you reading this far. Thank you
So my father and I used to have a very close relationship. My mother was very controlling and abusive, and so the little bits of time I got to spend with him were cherished escapes, and those segments of time are the parts of my life I go to when I think of my childhood - despite the fact that the majority of my childhood life was quite traumatic.
My dad used to be kind, compassionate, loving, and everything I needed in a parent. He tried his best to give me a comfortable place to escape to, and I idolized him as a kid. I always used to think, "well I got a shitty mom, but at least I have one good parent."
Well, recently I've had to come to terms with the fact that I've been in hardcore denial about the person my father has become. He's turned into an angry, manipulative, passive-aggressive asshole, and I've let him walk all over me out of fear, a desire to make him proud, and from clinging onto this past version of him that I basically tried to wish into existence.
I know he has some serious trauma and mental issues, but he's too proud and ridden with the rugged-individualism mindset to admit it or seek help. And god help you if you try to even hint that he may not be 100% perfect or right. He doesn't really show any love towards me anymore, and he only "checks in" on me when it's a precursor to guilt-tripping me into doing something for him (instead of just asking? It blows my mind that literally everything has to be a guilt-trip-laden production). He is very dismissive towards me. He's very hateful and openly racist/sexist. He's allegedly become physically and verbally abusive to his wife. He's not at all the person who raised me.
After fully coming to terms with this, I now feel like I'm mourning the loss of the one good parent I thought I had. I've started completely obsessing over memories of my childhood with him - to the point of even trying to fully immerse myself via music/video game soundtracks, seeking certain smells, driving to the town he used to live in and revisiting our old spots... I know this is very destructive and poison to my wellbeing but I can't fucking stop. It's like part of me thinks that if I dwell on it enough, I can actually physically go back. It's extremely addictive and I just want to be able to stop doing this, but it's difficult when I find no pleasure or redeeming qualities in my current state of existence where I'm simultaneously numb and suffering. It's just fucked up
Idk, that's it I guess. This is something that's dominating my life and I don't know what to do
Even if you don't reply, I appreciate you reading this far. Thank you
