iloveyouihateyou
probably die before it hurts
- Oct 23, 2024
- 83
(author's note: i sort of spiraled halfway through but i still want to share this in case anyone can relate/has advice)
hello friends it's been awhile since i've posted here but i took some time for myself and i have unfortunately returned with more bad thoughts and experiences from my life ...
but yeah basically i've been living and experiencing life and the consequences of my actions have lead to every single aspect of my life getting worse at the EXACT same time and it was inevitable, i had a feeling everything would collapse like genuinely sometimes i just get a bad feeling but yeah it's finally come and i can't do anything but sit and watch it all burn. as much as i wish i could undo everything it's such a sobering experience to realize that there is no going back after you do certain things.
i'm really not proud of this at all but awhile ago i screwed over my partner and things haven't been the same since and i've taken accountability, trying to mend things but i know i really hurt them because she still understandably give me the cold shoulder most of the time. i'm not mad at her for acting in this way, i'm lucky to have another chance at all, but at the same time i can't help but beat myself up everyday because i realized that i actually had something genuinely good in my life but i ended up ruining it for myself. i actually had someone who would listen to and care for me, but of course being the dumbass i am, i destroyed it for myself. the whole situation is so complicated, i just wish i could take back what i did all the time.
just the other i had a pretty sour argument with my friend of 5 years, i just called them out for disrespecting me and talking about sensitive issues behind my back. long story short they want to talk to me in person but right now i'm not having it. to be honest i want to fully disconnect from them but because they have helped me meet alot of people and also know everyone i know in person (we would always go out together) i fear that i may not be able to make in person connections easily as before or that my other conenctinos will be affected by not speaking to my longterm friend. and yeah i know everyone will just tell me to cut them off and be done with it, but i'm someone who unsurprisingly is dealing with immense feelings of loneliness like many others. it feels like i'm being forced to choose between: have people to talk to while feeling alone, or be truly alone ... and then whatever comes from that??
everyone needs their alone time, even me as someone who wishes they didn't feel "lonely", but to be completely without anyone, all alone in this city, every single day.. i know some people can handle it but i'll be honest i don't think i'm strong enough. even when these people around me hurt me and don't care for some reason i can't stop seeing the good side of said person, i can't stop thinking about their unique traits and all the time invested, all the opportunities and places i could experience with them it always stops me cause i don't know i just feel like i need these certain people to fully experience things. i figure it's cause i don't like myself, like without other people to accompany me then i'd just have to listen to and talk to myself. to me that just sounds sad and boring, so i would rather just have some people tag along with me? but at the same time when these people are with me, no one acknowledges me or my struggles/inner thoughts, so i end up talking to myself anyways, while being bored and sad. and i would say "atleast i can still have fun with these people", but oddly enough recently my smoking/drinking buddies have been giving me slack for drinking/smoking too much. it feels insanely hypocritical and it confuses me so much and yet a part of me still wants to see these people through. at this point even i confuse myself. i don't know why i have so much sympathy for these people when it seems like they all lack it for me.
this is a bit all over the place but i mention my girlfriend and my friendships degrading because now with both of my support options at an uncertain status, i've started to think about how i would be able to survive without either and i can't help but fucking laugh cause i don't know how i could. a part of me feels like i only wake up for these other people so without them, i don't know how i can do anything in my life when all i want to do is die deep down. i'm pretty confused regarding my friend situation, but i feel so much regret for hurting someone as innocent as my girlfriend. like to see them down and to know it's my fault feels so shit, like i know i deserve to feel like this cause of what i did, but at the same time it still hurts cause i've basically self sabotaged myself by hurting my support as now they understandably need more space for themselves. man i don't even know what to say, i just feel like i've been making alot of mistakes when i don't mean to.
and this is where my rambling ends cause the past couple days i've been unable to think of the future or solutions at all, to not have anywhere to turn is such a sobering feeling. i feel so empty inside as if my body is going to numb to protect me from how hurt i've been, i'm just so scared and worried that i can't even think straight. all i can think of is coming to this forum and also ordering drugs lol.
man i don't even fucking know anymore, i had an focus originally but i just spiraled at the end oops. but regardless of all that if you read this all the way through, thank you for your time and i hope you can have a chill day today :D
hello friends it's been awhile since i've posted here but i took some time for myself and i have unfortunately returned with more bad thoughts and experiences from my life ...
but yeah basically i've been living and experiencing life and the consequences of my actions have lead to every single aspect of my life getting worse at the EXACT same time and it was inevitable, i had a feeling everything would collapse like genuinely sometimes i just get a bad feeling but yeah it's finally come and i can't do anything but sit and watch it all burn. as much as i wish i could undo everything it's such a sobering experience to realize that there is no going back after you do certain things.
i'm really not proud of this at all but awhile ago i screwed over my partner and things haven't been the same since and i've taken accountability, trying to mend things but i know i really hurt them because she still understandably give me the cold shoulder most of the time. i'm not mad at her for acting in this way, i'm lucky to have another chance at all, but at the same time i can't help but beat myself up everyday because i realized that i actually had something genuinely good in my life but i ended up ruining it for myself. i actually had someone who would listen to and care for me, but of course being the dumbass i am, i destroyed it for myself. the whole situation is so complicated, i just wish i could take back what i did all the time.
just the other i had a pretty sour argument with my friend of 5 years, i just called them out for disrespecting me and talking about sensitive issues behind my back. long story short they want to talk to me in person but right now i'm not having it. to be honest i want to fully disconnect from them but because they have helped me meet alot of people and also know everyone i know in person (we would always go out together) i fear that i may not be able to make in person connections easily as before or that my other conenctinos will be affected by not speaking to my longterm friend. and yeah i know everyone will just tell me to cut them off and be done with it, but i'm someone who unsurprisingly is dealing with immense feelings of loneliness like many others. it feels like i'm being forced to choose between: have people to talk to while feeling alone, or be truly alone ... and then whatever comes from that??
everyone needs their alone time, even me as someone who wishes they didn't feel "lonely", but to be completely without anyone, all alone in this city, every single day.. i know some people can handle it but i'll be honest i don't think i'm strong enough. even when these people around me hurt me and don't care for some reason i can't stop seeing the good side of said person, i can't stop thinking about their unique traits and all the time invested, all the opportunities and places i could experience with them it always stops me cause i don't know i just feel like i need these certain people to fully experience things. i figure it's cause i don't like myself, like without other people to accompany me then i'd just have to listen to and talk to myself. to me that just sounds sad and boring, so i would rather just have some people tag along with me? but at the same time when these people are with me, no one acknowledges me or my struggles/inner thoughts, so i end up talking to myself anyways, while being bored and sad. and i would say "atleast i can still have fun with these people", but oddly enough recently my smoking/drinking buddies have been giving me slack for drinking/smoking too much. it feels insanely hypocritical and it confuses me so much and yet a part of me still wants to see these people through. at this point even i confuse myself. i don't know why i have so much sympathy for these people when it seems like they all lack it for me.
this is a bit all over the place but i mention my girlfriend and my friendships degrading because now with both of my support options at an uncertain status, i've started to think about how i would be able to survive without either and i can't help but fucking laugh cause i don't know how i could. a part of me feels like i only wake up for these other people so without them, i don't know how i can do anything in my life when all i want to do is die deep down. i'm pretty confused regarding my friend situation, but i feel so much regret for hurting someone as innocent as my girlfriend. like to see them down and to know it's my fault feels so shit, like i know i deserve to feel like this cause of what i did, but at the same time it still hurts cause i've basically self sabotaged myself by hurting my support as now they understandably need more space for themselves. man i don't even know what to say, i just feel like i've been making alot of mistakes when i don't mean to.
and this is where my rambling ends cause the past couple days i've been unable to think of the future or solutions at all, to not have anywhere to turn is such a sobering feeling. i feel so empty inside as if my body is going to numb to protect me from how hurt i've been, i'm just so scared and worried that i can't even think straight. all i can think of is coming to this forum and also ordering drugs lol.
man i don't even fucking know anymore, i had an focus originally but i just spiraled at the end oops. but regardless of all that if you read this all the way through, thank you for your time and i hope you can have a chill day today :D
