Venting Hypoconsciousness is a bitch

[Aergia]

One of the reasons I don't think I can be helped, so to speak. It's like all the techniques and advice out there are for mental illnesses characterised by a kind of hyperarousal/hyperconsciousness/hyperemotionality. Psychic pain, not spiritual apathy. An excess of the wrong emotion, not an absence of emotion at all. I feel like the functional-but-numb state antidepressants put you in is the state I already am in. I feel like if I tried therapy I wouldn't know what to talk about. I don't have a low self-esteem because hating myself would require at minimum, emotional energy. Even my occasional bouts of neurosis are intellectual and thus well within my control. I'm alone, but don't feel lonely because I'm too psychologically isolated from others to even desire connection on an emotional level. I was desensitised to death before I came here, because I'm desensitised to virtually everything. Even my own less-than-ideal circumstances. Too afraid to ctb so I remain inert, in more ways than one, spending my days distracting myself from the feeling that the world is a sham and the knowledge that I'm expected to pretend otherwise.

Was wondering if others here could relate.