Venting I always feel like such a failure

[inverse-weibull]

Perfectionism is slowly killing me and I can't keep living this way. I've always gotten good grades throughout high school and will likely be able to keep that up through college (graduating in May). I don't say that to brag or anything, because I've literally destroyed myself mentally and physically to keep it that way. I made a stupid calc mistake on an exam today (like a really, really stupid mistake) and it was enough to send me spiraling into depression and self-hatred. I know it's sounds irrational from the outside, I probably still did well on the exam overall and my grade in the class will likely be fine. But it's such an awful feeling.

I'm so tired of ruining my sleep schedule, fighting my mental health issues, and trying my fucking best but still coming up short. It's never good enough, because I'm just a failure. Academics are the one thing I'm supposed to be able to do, so how can I make such stupid mistakes. If that's all I'm worth, than I'm clearly worthless. I'm not looking for affirmation or anything, these feelings are so deeply ingrained in me from when I was young. I just can't keep going on like this, I'm so sick of feeling like a failure. I'll never be good enough for myself or others.

 

[Electra]

Everything you've said in this - resonates with me so much. Perfectionism is not natural. Nothing and no one is perfect. I know this doesn't help, but I just want to say that doing your best is enough

 

[GlassMoon]

I can relate to what you're saying in so many ways

I also get mad at myself for such mistakes. Like today, I wanted to buy a certain amount of something, and got the wrong result for doing 3*8 in my head. Only noticed at home that I'd bought too much.

Our brains are not perfect, unfortunately, and sometimes attention just goes elsewhere for a little while or the brain is just "done" for a short moment. Some researchers even managed to predict when mistakes would happen by looking at MRI or EEG traces, I don't remember which of them it was.

@Electra said it well, "Doing your best is good enough", I'm also trying to ingrain that but when the stakes feel high I lose trust in that sentence again.

Also, I've learned the hard way that mental health, especially overpacing, can't be cured by pushing even harder :-(

Since you're likely going to follow a perfectionist route, here's an approach which I'm trying: In the book "Peak Mind", it's stated that regular mindfulness exercises can benefit the ability to focus. And they also offer a way to let thoughts rest, and take a break. I'm trying to convince the overpacing mind that taking these breaks will help me become more effective in the end. Maybe it's a way for you as well to allow yourself some breaks?

Also, do you have a fixed goal for your academic achievements in mind, or are you trying to achieve the best results possible and also comparing yourself to others? Maybe it could help to at least set a realistic goal and celebrate the achievement of that properly and consciously deciding that it's enough? I know it will be hard not to set the goal to perfect scores in all exams...

 

[longtheriverrun]

Academics are the one thing I'm supposed to be able to do, so how can I make such stupid mistakes. If that's all I'm worth, than I'm clearly worthless. I'm not looking for affirmation or anything, these feelings are so deeply ingrained in me from when I was young. I just can't keep going on like this, I'm so sick of feeling like a failure. I'll never be good enough for myself or others.

Modern Academia has shifted more towards the idea of "failure is not an option" and it's had one of the most devastating effects on the younger generations—a plague that has seeped into almost very facet of one's formative years. University used to be more focused on "actually learning," but even that's been on a massive decline since the 60s-80s. Unless you're extremely passionate about your field of study and go into research / academia as a career, it feels impossible to gain anything of value from it other than being able to get past HR gate-keeping for entry-level positions

People shouldn't be suffering from burn-out and the pressure to "be great" and "succeed" from so early on (e.g. middle school, high school). I'm not saying that people should experience it [burn-out / imposter syndrome] in university, but at least I could slightly excuse it for doing so since that tends to be the nature of higher education. It's unfortunate that modern education tends to prioritize "education via schooling" over "genuine learning"