SoulWhisperer
Careless Soul « MtF »
- Nov 13, 2023
- 364
PS: This post ended up being long as fuck, so if you have some time to spare for the pathetic person I am it would mean a lot if you wouldn't skip thru. If you don't want to read this textblock of life story (a shard of it actually) go and click on another post it's alright anyway. 
I'll be honest. I am scared. I am scared of what is going to happen next. I genuinely frightened about how my life will change in the next few months, because they will be critical months most likely. Things might change drastically and I might end up living elsewhere that is not the abusive hell of my parents' house. Lemme be clear: I'd pay gold to get out of here but I wouldn't if that meant living with relatives that can't handle more people under their roof or even worse if it meant ending up on the streets. As stupid as it sounds my biggest and most important coping mechanism is games and my PC is the only thing that kept me going for the past 2 years.
I have "discovered" the existence of suicide about 4 years ago, it was a dark cloud in my mind that roamed ever since my life had started going downhill and no, nothing got better, so there's pretty much no nothing that could tell me "hey, well 4 fucking years went down the drain, but as they say fifth's time a charm, right?". Then after that cloud was formed in the form of of a passive thought it became something tangible 1-2 years after when I actually started to look up methods and stuff, just to get a general information mashup. Then I arrived here I believe at the end of the run, which I'm glad since I have no other place I'm fully safe talking about this without repercussions.
Thing being that now suicide has become an integral part of my existence and I can't go 24h without thinking about it. I have A TON of problems already but I won't focus on that now (my past posts explain some of them). To sum up I'm suicidal because of other human beings harming me endlessly. I don't have inherent trust issues but I will never blindly trust someone or trust someone fully because I know that they CAN betray me. I'm not saying they will, but they COULD. And I'm NOT taking any more fucking risks after discovering how a single DM with someone crushed a part of me to ashes. The internet is not a heavenly place, any1 can dig information about you with free intelligence, the information about yourself that you decide to voluntarily or not post online that can help others understand how you act/behave/usually do more or even worse get identifying information about yourself that can be used to track you in any way. I am deathly afraid of stalking because I know how bad and hard to counter it can be even if you KNOW you're getting stalked. Police can't live in your home and walk you anywhere to protect you from people with bad intentions and a life where you constantly fear for your life is NOT cool my friend. So I feel extreme compassion and sadness when hearing stories or posts about people living in those conditions.
That thing apart (which is one of my fear for when I'll be on my own). Another actual (as in, that is present now) problem is that I my mind is fucked up. It's no surprise I'm a psychopath and sociopath inside. I can still be friendly with others or pretend to care when deep inside I only make friends for self-gain rather than happiness about making bonds. If I could I'd live alone forever but however it's hard due to society so I forge connections to help myself. My friend protect me, they help me overcome stuff, reassure me, listen to me when I vent and so much more (excluding fake friends and those who betrayed me over a long time span, which is not just a few people). In return I offer them my advice, I listen to their concerns and give my 2 cents. I protect them however I can and do what I can to ensure they're okay most of the time. (Do note that irl I'm alone and I've lost all friends so this is mostly talking about online self which has become so prominent to almost overshadow my real self almost) Even if I do all those things for them that doesn't take out that I have extreme violent intrusive thoughts, fucking hate human race in its entirety with few exceptions and can't stand anything.
My mind is fucked up with mental illness that I never got the chance to verify or diagnose with a professional but it's no wonder I'm not okay. I share 90% of common traits of people with BPD and let me tell you that struggling with the way you view relationships is not fun. I go from wanting friends from wanting to tell my friends to fucking lose themselves and that I never truly cared about them in the first place.
But what's the most debilitating of issues in my mental health are my identity issues. I struggle so much with defining what exactly I am if not a monster that deserves death. I literally can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted or without failing to recognise myself physically.
I am fucked up, really fucked up and I feel IMMENSE phycological pain. I hear voices inside my head I see things that don't exist inside of me and that's the result of coping mechanisms that went out of control. I used to try to suppress painful memories so much to the point that my mind suppresses way more and sometimes causes a so deafening sound that I feel pain. At night I have hallucinations, I hear people calling my name I see silhouettes running outside my windows in the night, I see shadows in the corner of my dark room I see figures running in the corner of my eye and whenever I look at them they disappear. I could list endlessly the abnormality of my brain that I despise and kinda love at the same time just for allowing me to move.
"Should I CTB or not?" Is my question drilled in my head daily when shit happens. Should I keep living with the daily delusions, pain, abuse, stress, trauma, hallucinations, voices, failures and so motherfucking on in the blind hope that one day I might magically overcome my DEATHLY and crippling social anxiety enough to find a job and move out alone to rot forever in my own bubble or should I just call it a life and step out of step out of scenery to avoid further pain? My life is a hopeless pain, and no. Even if someone lays down all the solutions to my problems (as if I don't know more than half of them myself already) that doesn't mean shit will get better. A thing is knowing how to fix your life another thing is fucking doing it and praying it'll work out...
I'm not actually asking if I should CTB or not, I know it's up to me but I'd love any words of compassion or anything if you actually think I deserve them... It's... Painful... Too much painful...
I failed in school and got held back so I'm slow as fuck, nowhere close to finishing. My original plan was to CTB before my birthday this year but I scrapped it due to lack of reliable resources for methods unfortunately. My plan B is to go on like nothing, keep enduring trauma the best I can, dropping out and finding the most accessible real job that can pay me bills to DREAM to move out... It's my fucking dream to live alone but I can't fucking live alone, I'm too weak for this world... I am... Too fucking... Weak... Sigh.
My family doesn't exist, they only harm me and pretend to love me. I have no partner, no friends, no family, no nothing.
I am stupid if I think I am actually capable of going through with any plan of my life. Every plan always gets fucked up due to my mental instability and it breaks me. I would never wish to anyone to live in my condition even if they were my worst enemy.
I'll be honest. I am scared. I am scared of what is going to happen next. I genuinely frightened about how my life will change in the next few months, because they will be critical months most likely. Things might change drastically and I might end up living elsewhere that is not the abusive hell of my parents' house. Lemme be clear: I'd pay gold to get out of here but I wouldn't if that meant living with relatives that can't handle more people under their roof or even worse if it meant ending up on the streets. As stupid as it sounds my biggest and most important coping mechanism is games and my PC is the only thing that kept me going for the past 2 years.
I have "discovered" the existence of suicide about 4 years ago, it was a dark cloud in my mind that roamed ever since my life had started going downhill and no, nothing got better, so there's pretty much no nothing that could tell me "hey, well 4 fucking years went down the drain, but as they say fifth's time a charm, right?". Then after that cloud was formed in the form of of a passive thought it became something tangible 1-2 years after when I actually started to look up methods and stuff, just to get a general information mashup. Then I arrived here I believe at the end of the run, which I'm glad since I have no other place I'm fully safe talking about this without repercussions.
Thing being that now suicide has become an integral part of my existence and I can't go 24h without thinking about it. I have A TON of problems already but I won't focus on that now (my past posts explain some of them). To sum up I'm suicidal because of other human beings harming me endlessly. I don't have inherent trust issues but I will never blindly trust someone or trust someone fully because I know that they CAN betray me. I'm not saying they will, but they COULD. And I'm NOT taking any more fucking risks after discovering how a single DM with someone crushed a part of me to ashes. The internet is not a heavenly place, any1 can dig information about you with free intelligence, the information about yourself that you decide to voluntarily or not post online that can help others understand how you act/behave/usually do more or even worse get identifying information about yourself that can be used to track you in any way. I am deathly afraid of stalking because I know how bad and hard to counter it can be even if you KNOW you're getting stalked. Police can't live in your home and walk you anywhere to protect you from people with bad intentions and a life where you constantly fear for your life is NOT cool my friend. So I feel extreme compassion and sadness when hearing stories or posts about people living in those conditions.
That thing apart (which is one of my fear for when I'll be on my own). Another actual (as in, that is present now) problem is that I my mind is fucked up. It's no surprise I'm a psychopath and sociopath inside. I can still be friendly with others or pretend to care when deep inside I only make friends for self-gain rather than happiness about making bonds. If I could I'd live alone forever but however it's hard due to society so I forge connections to help myself. My friend protect me, they help me overcome stuff, reassure me, listen to me when I vent and so much more (excluding fake friends and those who betrayed me over a long time span, which is not just a few people). In return I offer them my advice, I listen to their concerns and give my 2 cents. I protect them however I can and do what I can to ensure they're okay most of the time. (Do note that irl I'm alone and I've lost all friends so this is mostly talking about online self which has become so prominent to almost overshadow my real self almost) Even if I do all those things for them that doesn't take out that I have extreme violent intrusive thoughts, fucking hate human race in its entirety with few exceptions and can't stand anything.
My mind is fucked up with mental illness that I never got the chance to verify or diagnose with a professional but it's no wonder I'm not okay. I share 90% of common traits of people with BPD and let me tell you that struggling with the way you view relationships is not fun. I go from wanting friends from wanting to tell my friends to fucking lose themselves and that I never truly cared about them in the first place.
But what's the most debilitating of issues in my mental health are my identity issues. I struggle so much with defining what exactly I am if not a monster that deserves death. I literally can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted or without failing to recognise myself physically.
I am fucked up, really fucked up and I feel IMMENSE phycological pain. I hear voices inside my head I see things that don't exist inside of me and that's the result of coping mechanisms that went out of control. I used to try to suppress painful memories so much to the point that my mind suppresses way more and sometimes causes a so deafening sound that I feel pain. At night I have hallucinations, I hear people calling my name I see silhouettes running outside my windows in the night, I see shadows in the corner of my dark room I see figures running in the corner of my eye and whenever I look at them they disappear. I could list endlessly the abnormality of my brain that I despise and kinda love at the same time just for allowing me to move.
"Should I CTB or not?" Is my question drilled in my head daily when shit happens. Should I keep living with the daily delusions, pain, abuse, stress, trauma, hallucinations, voices, failures and so motherfucking on in the blind hope that one day I might magically overcome my DEATHLY and crippling social anxiety enough to find a job and move out alone to rot forever in my own bubble or should I just call it a life and step out of step out of scenery to avoid further pain? My life is a hopeless pain, and no. Even if someone lays down all the solutions to my problems (as if I don't know more than half of them myself already) that doesn't mean shit will get better. A thing is knowing how to fix your life another thing is fucking doing it and praying it'll work out...
I'm not actually asking if I should CTB or not, I know it's up to me but I'd love any words of compassion or anything if you actually think I deserve them... It's... Painful... Too much painful...
I failed in school and got held back so I'm slow as fuck, nowhere close to finishing. My original plan was to CTB before my birthday this year but I scrapped it due to lack of reliable resources for methods unfortunately. My plan B is to go on like nothing, keep enduring trauma the best I can, dropping out and finding the most accessible real job that can pay me bills to DREAM to move out... It's my fucking dream to live alone but I can't fucking live alone, I'm too weak for this world... I am... Too fucking... Weak... Sigh.
I am stupid if I think I am actually capable of going through with any plan of my life. Every plan always gets fucked up due to my mental instability and it breaks me. I would never wish to anyone to live in my condition even if they were my worst enemy.
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