toyu
Member
- Jul 31, 2024
- 28
Just kind of going to be rambling, don't know if it's going to be coherent at all. Also didn't know if I should post this here or in the recovery area because I don't know what my opinions are on trying to get better.
I am completely useless, I have no aspirations in life, and I am not good at like anything I do. I generally think I want to do something creative as a job in the future, but I am terrible at literally everything creative. I have absolutely no willpower to learn to do anything or get better at anything, which is like to think is because of depression, but I think thats just an excuse, because even with the meds I'm taking it hasn't gotten any better. No matter what I do I have nothing that I am good at or that I am particularly interested in. I don't have any hobbies or like passion for anything.
Currently being pressured into getting a job, which I don't want to do since the only other job made it so I wanted to kill myself constantly, and led to what I'd consider probably my all time low emotionally. I don't really have much other choice though, despite the fact that I'm not quite at the stage in life where having a job is required, and I want to kind of cherish what time I have left without responsibilities.
A whole ago I started actually trying to get better mentally, went to a doctor to get meds, and a therapist (briefly) and I feel like it's not working at all. All the meds do is make it so I can't feel the fact that I'm sad. I've tried to explain this to other people, but I don't think they've really gotten it, but I think people on this site probably will. It just kinda feels like I still feel shitty and depressed constantly, but it just hides that from me and doesn't let me feel it, so I can tell that somethings wrong and I shouldn't/don't feel alright, but not really actually like feel it. Not being able to actually feel what I am feeling is kind of more upsetting for me, it makes me feel like a big part of who I am as a person was completely taken from me, which sucks. Also, it.makes me angrier and more easy to upset, which I don't like.
After telling my doctor that what I was on wasnt really working because of what I described above (not in detail, obviously) they switched me from Prozac to Lexapro, which is just the same shit but it made me tired and dazed.
Also, when I had first tried to get this shit sorted out, I got set up with a therapist. He kept asking me vague answers, to which I responded completely honestly. He seemed very upset that he wasn't getting me to like spill my guts to him, I think he was expecting me to just go in there and immediately tell him every problem I ever had or something, but like he was the one asking the questions, so I don't know what he expected. I had told him in passing that I was slightly suicidal (down played it because I didn't want to be put in a mental hospital). I didn't think it was a big deal, but then after a few more sessions of nothing happening and him getting pissed because he wasn't getting anywhere with me (again, after building up no report and asking vague ass questions) he walked me to the lobby of the office where the person who helped set me up with him was waiting, and stared talking, eventually saying something along the lines of "you're here why" and I said "because I'm depressed" and he replied with "and what" and I was like "I don't know?" And he just kept saying and what over and over again, to which I replied I don't know over and over again because I had no clue what he was trying to get me to say, and eventually he was like "because you want to kill yourself" (again, in front of the person who took me there, in the middle of the lobby) which upset me. Didn't go there again.
Sorry if this is completely scattered and doesn't make sense to actually read, just wanted to get most of it out there, there is more of like to like type down and stuff, but I'm tired and want to sleep, so I'm just cutting it short. Thank you if you read this.
I am completely useless, I have no aspirations in life, and I am not good at like anything I do. I generally think I want to do something creative as a job in the future, but I am terrible at literally everything creative. I have absolutely no willpower to learn to do anything or get better at anything, which is like to think is because of depression, but I think thats just an excuse, because even with the meds I'm taking it hasn't gotten any better. No matter what I do I have nothing that I am good at or that I am particularly interested in. I don't have any hobbies or like passion for anything.
Currently being pressured into getting a job, which I don't want to do since the only other job made it so I wanted to kill myself constantly, and led to what I'd consider probably my all time low emotionally. I don't really have much other choice though, despite the fact that I'm not quite at the stage in life where having a job is required, and I want to kind of cherish what time I have left without responsibilities.
A whole ago I started actually trying to get better mentally, went to a doctor to get meds, and a therapist (briefly) and I feel like it's not working at all. All the meds do is make it so I can't feel the fact that I'm sad. I've tried to explain this to other people, but I don't think they've really gotten it, but I think people on this site probably will. It just kinda feels like I still feel shitty and depressed constantly, but it just hides that from me and doesn't let me feel it, so I can tell that somethings wrong and I shouldn't/don't feel alright, but not really actually like feel it. Not being able to actually feel what I am feeling is kind of more upsetting for me, it makes me feel like a big part of who I am as a person was completely taken from me, which sucks. Also, it.makes me angrier and more easy to upset, which I don't like.
After telling my doctor that what I was on wasnt really working because of what I described above (not in detail, obviously) they switched me from Prozac to Lexapro, which is just the same shit but it made me tired and dazed.
Also, when I had first tried to get this shit sorted out, I got set up with a therapist. He kept asking me vague answers, to which I responded completely honestly. He seemed very upset that he wasn't getting me to like spill my guts to him, I think he was expecting me to just go in there and immediately tell him every problem I ever had or something, but like he was the one asking the questions, so I don't know what he expected. I had told him in passing that I was slightly suicidal (down played it because I didn't want to be put in a mental hospital). I didn't think it was a big deal, but then after a few more sessions of nothing happening and him getting pissed because he wasn't getting anywhere with me (again, after building up no report and asking vague ass questions) he walked me to the lobby of the office where the person who helped set me up with him was waiting, and stared talking, eventually saying something along the lines of "you're here why" and I said "because I'm depressed" and he replied with "and what" and I was like "I don't know?" And he just kept saying and what over and over again, to which I replied I don't know over and over again because I had no clue what he was trying to get me to say, and eventually he was like "because you want to kill yourself" (again, in front of the person who took me there, in the middle of the lobby) which upset me. Didn't go there again.
Sorry if this is completely scattered and doesn't make sense to actually read, just wanted to get most of it out there, there is more of like to like type down and stuff, but I'm tired and want to sleep, so I'm just cutting it short. Thank you if you read this.
