I have autism and I had two psychoses. Sometimes I struggle to understand human interactions. Especially, when it is about romantic love. This gonna be a long story.
Today, I was in my self-help group. Usually, we are the core group of 4 people. One guy who experienced a tragedy in his family, two borderline women (only one of them openly says she has borderline, but to me she alluded she knows that she has it) and me. The bipolar, autism and psychosis guy who has a lot of trauma.
We struggle to find new members for the group. The thing is we are getting into arguments in our core group more and more. The borderline women argue a lot recently. Together they criticized the other guy last week. I think he was hurt by that.
I dated the chemistry master student in the past. It is the one woman that does not openly admit she has borderline. I was not aware that she had borderline to that time. I knew she had a boyfriend and dated me behind his back. I had a guilty conscience over that. I thought maybe she is unhappy because he does not treat her well. First, she friendzoned me over being too clingy. My world fell apart and I went an acute suicidal clinic almost attempting. But there were also other issues in my life to that time. After the clinic stay she showed interest in me again. But I showed interest for someone else. I told the chemsitry master student I might have feelings for another woman and rejected her. Though this woman after first good signs ignored me more and more. I think she feared our relationship would be like a relation between a mom and her son. She experienced that in her first relation. I was like okay that's fine you don't want to talk with me outside the group meeting? And you don't engage in conversations with me over a messenger? Now I change my mind. So I turned down the woman who I might had feelings for and told the chemistry master student that I give that other woman up for her. Then it slipped. The chemistry master student was surprised that I did that only for her "an adventure" of her. I was an adventure for her? I was like WTF. I think the other women was not interested in me anyway but I think she was also pissed at me for it. But I dated the chemistry master still. She treated me like a friend but also gave me hope for more. She played with me. Later I found out she does this with countless men behind the back of her boyfriend. Like with 4-5 men at the same time. And the way she talks about her boyfriend and her relationship is horrendous. It made me a little bit sick.
To that time I met a woman on a dating app. We became close, we got intimate all of that. The irony is also that woman had borderline as it turned out. I rejected the chemistry master student because I was pretty serious with that woman from the dating app. The chemistry master student tried everything she could to manipulate me into keeping my options open. But I was pretty clear in my communication that there is no hope for us. So I texted with the woman of the dating app for some months. And more and more was she ghosting and insulting me. After it was over I opened up in my self-help group and the chemistry master student was interested to date me/play with me again. I thought after such a rejection nothing good come out of that and I turned it down.
So we were just good friends for over half a year after we dated. We were emotionally close though. I was pretty burnt out of online dating. After one meeting I had the feeling of a little bit magic between us. I also had a sex dream with her. Rationally, I knew nothing good can come out of that. In the last weeks I was unstable. Somewhat psychotic. And I texted her after the group. I thought she was angry at me. Which was not the case. And last week I texted her again. I did not flirt with her but I looked for reassurance. In some way I was willing that she plays with me again. I knew she was not serious with me. I knew of her pathologies that she emotionally cheats on her boyfriend in this way. I think first she felt a little bit compimented. Maybe I did not show enough interest. But today it seemed like she was pretty pissed at me. Maybe for my subtle assumption that she is not serious either. Maybe she felt like I was playing with her feelings. But honestly I don't understand that. Isn't that exactly what she is doing with these countless men behind the back of her boyfriend? Why is she offended by that?
So after this long introduction we come to this evening. I texted her about an incident related to our group this week. I did not want to approach her romantically I had the feeling we are nothing more than friends for her now. And I accepted that. So today we had a session the two borderline women seem to hate each other so much that one just left the group meeting today before it started. One guy who does not belong to the core group was there too. And it gets really crazy. She flirted with that dude to make me jealous. It was really bizarre. The way she did it. And she does not hide she has a boyfriend. I think she also wanted to hurt me by talking about her career because she knows that I struggle so much with no future prospects. Honestly, I was not hurt. I also was not really jealous. First and foremost, I was confused. Because the social interaction was so weird. I fetl sort of pity for that guy. He suffers from loneliness and now she is playing with his feelings which is low-key disgusting. It rather reinforced my feelings that I dodged a bullet with her and I really wonder how she cannot realize the hypocrisy. She is mad at me for playing with her? And then she goes to another dude to play with him in order to make me jealous? Isn't that sort of crazy?
I was sort of confused because the situation also was sort of awkward. I think the other dude also was somewhat confused. I have to chuckle thinking about the awkward silence. It does not mean I did nothing wrong. Maybe I did something wrong. But honestly with my overanalyzing of social interactions caused by psychosis and autism I struggle to get the full picture and to think clear. And the situation was ambivalent and hard to read. I tried not to draw conclusions too early. After the meeting I was alone with the chemistry master and she alluded she flirted with the dude way earlier. In some way I feel very sorry for her. It is obvious I hurt her. I would like to apologize. My behavior might have been wrong. But I wasn't aware she would get offended by it. She is a good friend of mine and now I might lose her. But even if I now apologized to her it would make everything worse and she would deny anyway to be mad at me. The thing that confuses me the most. I was willing that she plays with me, but at the same time I was not really serious either with her, why is this a reason to be offended? It is the same she does with the other men but they instead of me they are not self-aware about it and have their hope up.
Others in this forum have rightfully pointed out that she is a major red flag. Which might be true. I don't want to lose this self-help group though. They mean a lot to me. I just wish we could all be friends again.
Today, I was in my self-help group. Usually, we are the core group of 4 people. One guy who experienced a tragedy in his family, two borderline women (only one of them openly says she has borderline, but to me she alluded she knows that she has it) and me. The bipolar, autism and psychosis guy who has a lot of trauma.
We struggle to find new members for the group. The thing is we are getting into arguments in our core group more and more. The borderline women argue a lot recently. Together they criticized the other guy last week. I think he was hurt by that.
I dated the chemistry master student in the past. It is the one woman that does not openly admit she has borderline. I was not aware that she had borderline to that time. I knew she had a boyfriend and dated me behind his back. I had a guilty conscience over that. I thought maybe she is unhappy because he does not treat her well. First, she friendzoned me over being too clingy. My world fell apart and I went an acute suicidal clinic almost attempting. But there were also other issues in my life to that time. After the clinic stay she showed interest in me again. But I showed interest for someone else. I told the chemsitry master student I might have feelings for another woman and rejected her. Though this woman after first good signs ignored me more and more. I think she feared our relationship would be like a relation between a mom and her son. She experienced that in her first relation. I was like okay that's fine you don't want to talk with me outside the group meeting? And you don't engage in conversations with me over a messenger? Now I change my mind. So I turned down the woman who I might had feelings for and told the chemistry master student that I give that other woman up for her. Then it slipped. The chemistry master student was surprised that I did that only for her "an adventure" of her. I was an adventure for her? I was like WTF. I think the other women was not interested in me anyway but I think she was also pissed at me for it. But I dated the chemistry master still. She treated me like a friend but also gave me hope for more. She played with me. Later I found out she does this with countless men behind the back of her boyfriend. Like with 4-5 men at the same time. And the way she talks about her boyfriend and her relationship is horrendous. It made me a little bit sick.
To that time I met a woman on a dating app. We became close, we got intimate all of that. The irony is also that woman had borderline as it turned out. I rejected the chemistry master student because I was pretty serious with that woman from the dating app. The chemistry master student tried everything she could to manipulate me into keeping my options open. But I was pretty clear in my communication that there is no hope for us. So I texted with the woman of the dating app for some months. And more and more was she ghosting and insulting me. After it was over I opened up in my self-help group and the chemistry master student was interested to date me/play with me again. I thought after such a rejection nothing good come out of that and I turned it down.
So we were just good friends for over half a year after we dated. We were emotionally close though. I was pretty burnt out of online dating. After one meeting I had the feeling of a little bit magic between us. I also had a sex dream with her. Rationally, I knew nothing good can come out of that. In the last weeks I was unstable. Somewhat psychotic. And I texted her after the group. I thought she was angry at me. Which was not the case. And last week I texted her again. I did not flirt with her but I looked for reassurance. In some way I was willing that she plays with me again. I knew she was not serious with me. I knew of her pathologies that she emotionally cheats on her boyfriend in this way. I think first she felt a little bit compimented. Maybe I did not show enough interest. But today it seemed like she was pretty pissed at me. Maybe for my subtle assumption that she is not serious either. Maybe she felt like I was playing with her feelings. But honestly I don't understand that. Isn't that exactly what she is doing with these countless men behind the back of her boyfriend? Why is she offended by that?
So after this long introduction we come to this evening. I texted her about an incident related to our group this week. I did not want to approach her romantically I had the feeling we are nothing more than friends for her now. And I accepted that. So today we had a session the two borderline women seem to hate each other so much that one just left the group meeting today before it started. One guy who does not belong to the core group was there too. And it gets really crazy. She flirted with that dude to make me jealous. It was really bizarre. The way she did it. And she does not hide she has a boyfriend. I think she also wanted to hurt me by talking about her career because she knows that I struggle so much with no future prospects. Honestly, I was not hurt. I also was not really jealous. First and foremost, I was confused. Because the social interaction was so weird. I fetl sort of pity for that guy. He suffers from loneliness and now she is playing with his feelings which is low-key disgusting. It rather reinforced my feelings that I dodged a bullet with her and I really wonder how she cannot realize the hypocrisy. She is mad at me for playing with her? And then she goes to another dude to play with him in order to make me jealous? Isn't that sort of crazy?
I was sort of confused because the situation also was sort of awkward. I think the other dude also was somewhat confused. I have to chuckle thinking about the awkward silence. It does not mean I did nothing wrong. Maybe I did something wrong. But honestly with my overanalyzing of social interactions caused by psychosis and autism I struggle to get the full picture and to think clear. And the situation was ambivalent and hard to read. I tried not to draw conclusions too early. After the meeting I was alone with the chemistry master and she alluded she flirted with the dude way earlier. In some way I feel very sorry for her. It is obvious I hurt her. I would like to apologize. My behavior might have been wrong. But I wasn't aware she would get offended by it. She is a good friend of mine and now I might lose her. But even if I now apologized to her it would make everything worse and she would deny anyway to be mad at me. The thing that confuses me the most. I was willing that she plays with me, but at the same time I was not really serious either with her, why is this a reason to be offended? It is the same she does with the other men but they instead of me they are not self-aware about it and have their hope up.
Others in this forum have rightfully pointed out that she is a major red flag. Which might be true. I don't want to lose this self-help group though. They mean a lot to me. I just wish we could all be friends again.
