I am feeling comfort in the thought of ctb.

[Roboto]

So since I am feeling so sick to my stomache being alive... everytime I imagine taking N and falling asleep I feel comforted. Like I won't have to wake up and face another day with this intense feeling of sickness.

I know I am choosing to CTB because I am being left by my fiance, and to some that seems excessive - but to me she's all I got. If she goes... well I'll break. I just can't even possibly bear the thought of not having her around. I'm even doing therapy and it's not helping a lot... though it is making the pain a little easier to handle - it still hurts more than anything. I am very tired of trying to survive, and live a life of constant mental turmoil. I have Bipolar Disorder and I'm on some meds to help but no matter how many meds I've tried none of them actually end up helping much.

CTB sounds amazing. I just want it all over. With it there's like this light at the end of the tunnel... I see my life being capped off. The good that I achieved can end, and the bad that keeps occurring can end as well. Some people tell me that CTB'ing over a relationship is the wrong idea but I truly can't go through this. So I'm sitting here hoping that I can get my N soon...

I have some questions though. I weigh 274 lbs and I am 5'9. How many bottles do I need to consume to insure that it goes properly. Also when I take the antiemetic (are those easy to obtain?) do I take it before? Lastly... Do we know if it's for sure non-painful? The main reason I haven't CTB'd with any other method is because I am intensely afraid of the pain, and the thought of mutilating myself is horrifying. When I do take it will I just "go to sleep" because that's what I want.

 

[Ghab]

Nembutal is a proven peaceful death. You fall asleep, it sedates you, just like when the doctor puts you under for surgery, this time though, you never wake up. You really have nothing to be afraid of with it. Maybe the taste, which I've heard is horrible but you can endure a few mins of a bad taste in the mouth to liberate yourself from a life of horror.

 

[Ghab]

As with any method, please please PLEASE extensively do your research.

 

[Redt2go]

this time though, you never wake up. .

Reminds me of the gravity of dying. Made me sad. A little less in love with dying now...

 

[Volomori83]

Growing up I was intensely afraid of dying — of being dead. The idea of not existing, being that it's impossible to imagine, was a horrifying prospect, so much so I would lay awake some nights, terrified I wouldn't wake up, crying myself to sleep eventually. As I've gotten older, the fear of dying hasn't really abated, but I've developed an acceptance of it. One way or another we all die, so the inevitability of it has allowed me to process my death in such a way that the emotional terror of non-existence is still there but it doesn't consume me. Over the past number of weeks, I've put a lot of thought into my death, planning it as acutely as I can, and this has really helped me to chill.

I can now separate the emotion from the practicality.

Don't get me wrong, when the day comes (and it is undoubtedly coming soon), I will be scared, I will be emotional, I'll cry and I may even waver for a time until my cognitive reasoning kicks back in and I put the noose around my neck and kill myself.

Nothingness is a scary thought but not a scary reality. I'm comfortable in knowing the finality of what I've determined myself to do.