I am going to kill myself very soon.

[noname223]

We phoned again the whole Day. I got really paranoid and the house of Cards Fell apart. I was really paranoid about she understands how dependent I am on my Mom and that college has no future. I am pretty sure I won't survive this one. I am quite confident I kill myself soon. It is gonna be SN. Honestly, I don't See any way how to survive that. The pain is unbearable and I consider to ghost her. Maybe she will Do it on me.


I think I gonna buy the SN tomorrow. Same source as the last time. I feel like throwing up. The pain is undescribable. Really I cannot put it into words. It is unimaginable.

 

[TheHolySword]

I hope you are able to find your peace, wherever and however that may look. We'll be here while you still are

 

[opheliaoveragain]

hoping you can find relief. we're here for you

 

[ma0]

I hope you're able to find peace and happiness with whatever you choose to do.

 

[noname223]

Maybe it was all paranoia. I took a benzo and I am way calmer now. She reassured me couple of times she is still interested in me.

 

[parasite_eve]

Maybe it was all paranoia. I took a benzo and I am way calmer now. She reassured me couple of times she is still interested in me.

Wishing you and this person the best <3

 

[noname223]

She confesses to me she has doubts whether we have a future. Also because of my college Situation. Bro I can't handle it. My mind plays limbo with instantly killing myself. I could cry it is very very Hard to handle

 

[noname223]

Update to the whole situation:

We never had a conversation like this before.

She told she has sometimes doubts and fears about our future. Maybe one day we will have nothing to say anymore because our interests are too different. I told I think this might be overthinking. We now have a conversation of 2 weeks from good morning to good night. There will always be new topics. However, after we might talk a little bit less. And she feared that. I told her I have no problem to keep texting like that.

She wanted to know my plans for the future in general marriage, children, house?
I got very very anxious. I told I will keep trying college maybe change to an online uni. I already made plans for that. However, in case I start uni again I could never in my whole life put out the same output in text messages. It is insane how much we text. But now in my free time I love it. I told her maybe I need another semester as hiatus. College re-starts in April. There is a deadline with the online uni and the meeting for the organization to change the uni was cancelled due to illness. I think I will never be able to work. But I never told her that explicitly. She wants kids and thinks the income of the man is essential for that. I told her I might inherit an apartment which is the truth but not safe (at all). I did not tell her thus far about the insurance money I receive. It is only 350 Euros per month anyway. And maybe up to 450 Euros.

And then the big one. I know she wants children. I am rather sceptical whether I really want children. I am such a mental wreck. I once was very much into antinatalism but quitted it a long time ago. There seems to exist a viable compromise for us. It is likely she cannot get childen for some reason. She asked me about my stance on adoption. And then I could reply honestly I always had fears of getting children and being the biological father due to my bad genes. But I could imagine adopting children with the right partner. That seems to be the better choice than biological children. And I think she was happy with that answer.

I was pretty insecure afer this exchange. But after that our texting continued as usual. I dowloaded instagram so that she can send me funny animal videos.