I text with this woman from a dating app quite frequently. Tomorrow she has an inportant exam today and did not text me. I did not double text. I want to leave her some space.
Next week college re-starts for me. And I am not able to cope with it. Stress makes me paranoid slightly psychotic. If I go to college I fuck it up with her. And I won't be able to date anyone. I won't even be able to go to my self-help group because of paranoia. If my paranoia fucks it up with this woman this will make me pretty suicidal. My therapist does not get that the paranoia is the issue. She often does not even get what paranoia means. Today she encouraged me to go to college and how bold my action was. I will regret it so badly.
On Monday I almost texted her something paranoid after the self-help group. (because it is too much stress). I asked a friend whether the question would be paranoid and he said yes in an extreme manner.
Usually I answer almost everyone specially women 5 seconds after they texded me. I am a smartphone addict. Some women like fast responses a lot. Some not.
I will go to college next week on Monday and Wednesday. I could maybe should go to more but it is way too risky. We text since two weeks. Getting paranoid would ruin everything. Especially, because she wants that our contact develops slowly. And yes explaining paranoia is difficult.
I told my parents I won't go to college because of this situation. They abused the shit out of me and are responsible for this misery and they know it.
I don't feel completely comfortable to skip another semester at college. Until October lmao. But let's be real college will drive me again to (almost) kill myself. I would give myself at maximum two semesters. Since I don't attent courses my life quality improved so much. My suicidality got less.
The only good thing is: At Monday she has an important exam too. Probably while I will be at college getting really paranoid. So the best strategy would be not to text on Monday while at college. Maybe plane mode. However, college will really destabilize me. It already does I need more addictive sleeping medication just out of fear. I think will have to take more time to respond. Re-think my responses how likely they will make me paranoia. But tbh with this much stress everything I text will make me bonkers paranoid as fuck. And let me panic.
I fear the expectations. What my therapist, parents and the people in the self-help group will think? The thing is I might only stop with college after I fucked it up with this woman. But if I fuck it up it will be irreversible. I need to sell my drop out of college for this semester. I feel like I need a good reason.
I could only cope with college stress with additive medication. Benzos. Which got me severe psychosomatic issues and withdrawal symptoms. I think I will take some on Monday and Wednesday. Maybe I will still feel in total anxiety and panic. So much that I can say I don't want to endure that. And with A LOT of luck I might can prevent to fuck it up with that woman. But I don't know how exactly. The scenario seems to unlikely especially in the long run. The benzo risk could be a good reason to quit college.
Some strategies: Take more time to response, avoid ambiguous terms, if you think you get paranoid before or after you text her ask your friends (they will be pretty annoyed), don't ask her something out of an insecurity I think many paranoid thoughts are part of my insecurities in an exaggerated way.
Maybe I will only become a little bit paranoid, only fuck it up a little bit, I might can repair the damage and finally don't attend courses at college this semester. Maybe I could apologize and tell her that I might cannot text that much on Monday and Wednesday. She did the same with me on different days.
The thing is I can get paranoid about everything. I can even become paranoid about the thought that I fucked it up with her while I did not actually fuck it up. But the last woman I dated did not care about paranoia I think with the current woman it is different. I Shit my pants.
Next week college re-starts for me. And I am not able to cope with it. Stress makes me paranoid slightly psychotic. If I go to college I fuck it up with her. And I won't be able to date anyone. I won't even be able to go to my self-help group because of paranoia. If my paranoia fucks it up with this woman this will make me pretty suicidal. My therapist does not get that the paranoia is the issue. She often does not even get what paranoia means. Today she encouraged me to go to college and how bold my action was. I will regret it so badly.
On Monday I almost texted her something paranoid after the self-help group. (because it is too much stress). I asked a friend whether the question would be paranoid and he said yes in an extreme manner.
Usually I answer almost everyone specially women 5 seconds after they texded me. I am a smartphone addict. Some women like fast responses a lot. Some not.
I will go to college next week on Monday and Wednesday. I could maybe should go to more but it is way too risky. We text since two weeks. Getting paranoid would ruin everything. Especially, because she wants that our contact develops slowly. And yes explaining paranoia is difficult.
I told my parents I won't go to college because of this situation. They abused the shit out of me and are responsible for this misery and they know it.
I don't feel completely comfortable to skip another semester at college. Until October lmao. But let's be real college will drive me again to (almost) kill myself. I would give myself at maximum two semesters. Since I don't attent courses my life quality improved so much. My suicidality got less.
The only good thing is: At Monday she has an important exam too. Probably while I will be at college getting really paranoid. So the best strategy would be not to text on Monday while at college. Maybe plane mode. However, college will really destabilize me. It already does I need more addictive sleeping medication just out of fear. I think will have to take more time to respond. Re-think my responses how likely they will make me paranoia. But tbh with this much stress everything I text will make me bonkers paranoid as fuck. And let me panic.
I fear the expectations. What my therapist, parents and the people in the self-help group will think? The thing is I might only stop with college after I fucked it up with this woman. But if I fuck it up it will be irreversible. I need to sell my drop out of college for this semester. I feel like I need a good reason.
I could only cope with college stress with additive medication. Benzos. Which got me severe psychosomatic issues and withdrawal symptoms. I think I will take some on Monday and Wednesday. Maybe I will still feel in total anxiety and panic. So much that I can say I don't want to endure that. And with A LOT of luck I might can prevent to fuck it up with that woman. But I don't know how exactly. The scenario seems to unlikely especially in the long run. The benzo risk could be a good reason to quit college.
Some strategies: Take more time to response, avoid ambiguous terms, if you think you get paranoid before or after you text her ask your friends (they will be pretty annoyed), don't ask her something out of an insecurity I think many paranoid thoughts are part of my insecurities in an exaggerated way.
Maybe I will only become a little bit paranoid, only fuck it up a little bit, I might can repair the damage and finally don't attend courses at college this semester. Maybe I could apologize and tell her that I might cannot text that much on Monday and Wednesday. She did the same with me on different days.
The thing is I can get paranoid about everything. I can even become paranoid about the thought that I fucked it up with her while I did not actually fuck it up. But the last woman I dated did not care about paranoia I think with the current woman it is different. I Shit my pants.
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