Venting I am in so much pain

[d3ad]

I am in so much pain right now. I feel like I am suffocating. Words cannot describe the immense kind of pain I am feeling mentally. My mind keeps playing vivid imagery of flashbacks and other traumatic things I have witnessed and experienced. I have been through HELL. I cannot go for an hour without crying. I am just so exhausted. For some reason, I keep pushing back on ctb. I can't bring myself to do it, no matter how hard I try.

 

[DivineSpark]

You are not alone in this......

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to suffer so unbearably, it sounds like you've suffered so much, it's just so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[d3ad]

You are not alone in this......

Thank you fren.

I'm sorry you have to suffer so unbearably, it sounds like you've suffered so much, it's just so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you. It really sucks how we have to choice but to continue experiencing pain and suffering.

 

[gothbird]

That sounds unbearable. And also familiar.

When the mind won't stop replaying the worst, it's a kind of psychological claustrophobia. Like there's nowhere safe inside your own skull. No off-switch. No room to breathe. And I know what it's like to cry until your eyes hurt, and still feel like nothing's leaving your body.

The part about not being able to CTB, even when you want to—that's your survival wiring doing what it was built to do. It doesn't mean you're meant to stay. It doesn't mean you're not allowed to go. It just means you're human. And the human body fights to keep breathing even when the mind is begging to stop.
You're exhausted because you've been carrying something way too heavy for way too long. That doesn't make you broken. It makes you tired. There's a difference.

You're not alone in that place—even if it feels like it.
And even if you never find a way out, you still deserve gentleness while you're stuck in it.

 

[d3ad]

That sounds unbearable. And also familiar.

When the mind won't stop replaying the worst, it's a kind of psychological claustrophobia. Like there's nowhere safe inside your own skull. No off-switch. No room to breathe. And I know what it's like to cry until your eyes hurt, and still feel like nothing's leaving your body.

The part about not being able to CTB, even when you want to—that's your survival wiring doing what it was built to do. It doesn't mean you're meant to stay. It doesn't mean you're not allowed to go. It just means you're human. And the human body fights to keep breathing even when the mind is begging to stop.
You're exhausted because you've been carrying something way too heavy for way too long. That doesn't make you broken. It makes you tired. There's a difference.

You're not alone in that place—even if it feels like it.
And even if you never find a way out, you still deserve gentleness while you're stuck in it.

This made me tear up. Thank you so much for your empathy and for validating my feelings. This means a lot to me.

 

[Cauliflour]

Just keep going out of spite. Don't give in to the pain and kill yourself, keep going, one day at a time, and with enough hope, you will be able to breathe again, even if it's just for a little while.

 

[d3ad]

View attachment 163506
Just keep going out of spite. Don't give in to the pain and kill yourself, keep going, one day at a time, and with enough hope, you will be able to breathe again, even if it's just for a little while.

That is what has kept me going over these past few years, but it's not easy. I am autistic and I get bullied all the time and even abused in some cases. I don't see why I should continue to live when I am going through hell and living in a world that's not built for people like me.

 

[Cauliflour]

That is what has kept me going over these past few years, but it's not easy. I am autistic and I get bullied all the time and even abused in some cases. I don't see why I should continue to live when I am going through hell and living in a world that's not built for people like me.

I'm autistic too and I think that's where I get my mentality from because the world isn't going to improve for other autistic people if we're all killing ourselves, y'know? Life is harder and that's not fair, but the worst thing you can do is go "well, my life was fucked from the start, might as well throw it away!". Then again I can't really speak from experience as I'm high functioning and people don't really bully me but the fact that you've made it over multiple years despite having autism proves that you are strong and people with that kind of willpower are the kind that can make the world better built for autistic people, even if it's just building it to make your particular kind a bit easier to manage.