Help (I am not sure if it is the correct flair) I am thiking of ending things in about 6 months

[lost_one]

So Ironically I came to this Forum looking to get better, but I have been failing at it, spetacularly. I am looking for some insights if anyone is willing to help me out.

I have done some pretty fucked things in the past , some actually bad, actually serious things, that would only not lend me in jail cause I was a minor when they happened, I don't have drugs or alcohol as an excuse for them, just my pain, anger and sadness at the world and the people in it, I have hurt some people and I can't ask them for forggiveness. ( This is going to be an incoherent mess, I can feel it)

I don't want to kill myself, but I feel like I should, I hate myself too much and I just can't forgive myself and live with myself anymore, it feels right, it feels like what I should do.

if anyone has any ideas on what I can do to try and forgive myself, and redeem myself and live a peacefull life, but like actual practical advice, cause I have tried so many things but everything is so abstract and convoluted it doesn't make sense to me, I would greatly appreciate it. I have been in therapy for 3 years now and hasn't really helped much, I started with psychnalisis (which is the most prevalent in Brazil) and swiched to CBT, but honestly I don't see that big of a diference in practice.

I have isolated myself ever since, cause I don't think I should be around other people.

If not it's okay, like I said right now I am strongly considering ending things ( maybe it is just cause I am really sad right now but I have been suicidal since I was 14 soooo, life hasn't really improved)


In about six months, before my birthday, I can't stand the idea of turning 27 years old. ( I can't belive I am 26, it feels weird, like I shouldn'thave existed for this long, unnatural in a way, I am so averse my own existence, I am self-aware and I can see how sad this is, but it is what it is.

Six months feels good, feels like a good amount of time to put my affairs in order, just finish some things, read some books, and then when I finish it all, I will just exit quietly.

(It sucks a bit for me that I will never have known love, but it's for the best, no one would love me if they knew what I did, and it wouldn't be right to keep it from them, but it's also better that no one will miss me, I just want to dissapear into thin air, like I never existed)

When is somewhat settled, it leaves how and where?

The how seems simple, dispite really wanting to, I don't think I have the moxxie to do it with a blade, so N will be, (exit bag)

The where?

I don't want to do it in my sister house (which is where I am currently living and I don't have the money to rent an apartament for myself so I wanted to ask you guys, is it too much of a dick move to do in in a hotel room? cause I am all out of f ideas.

I would also like to know if it's okay to come here before I do it to chat a bit, cause I don't want to feel completely alone in the end, it's okay if it is against the rules.

I think that is it, I will leave it open for me to change my mind if I do, but I right now just don't see the point of going forward, unless I can forgive myself at least partially or be okay living as a hermit or recluse... I like the word loner.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Hey. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I really got a sense for how lost and hopeless you feel. To answer your last question, it's completely ok to come here before or even during a suicide attempt. You will find lots of threads from people posting before during and even in the interval between taking SN and their death, for example. It's one of the purposes of this forum, so no one who doesn't want to has to be entirely alone at that time.

I have some concrete advice for your issues with your past actions and self hatred. You can take it or leave it but I think it could help you if you want to try and forgive and redeem yourself and live your life. I don't usually like to make a direct suggestion, but seeing as you asked: my advice is to look into buddhism. There are many ways you can access buddhist teachings, but I suggest you start with some books. I would recommend "Opening the Hand of Thought" by Uchiyama, "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, and "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" by Shunryu Suzuki. You might also consider attending a 10 day Vipassana retreat, which don't charge any fee. Buddhism deals with the nature of the self and the laws of cause and effect. I am not qualified or able to explain it very well, which is why I recommend these books or attending a retreat where you can receive teaching.

But I can tell you that from understanding buddhism, which started from reading books and then practicing meditation, I found an ultimate acceptance of myself and all my actions, and a framework for forgiving myself and acting right going forwards. I also found a complete acceptance of death. I would love for everyone to have these gifts. It's not always an easy path and it takes effort. But if you want to try something before deciding your only option is death, this is what I would recommend from my own experience. All the best to you

 

[Gangrel]

Hi, i just wanted to let you know that i resonate a lot with your posts, i am also from Brazil and my reason to CTB is also strong guilt from past mistakes. I don't have useful advice since i am here as well...but...well, you aren't alone in that feeling.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. Maybe this is going to be too personal- so- ignore it if it is. Can I ask why you feel like you can't apologise to the people you feel you've hurt? Is it because you don't want to cause them pain by reminding them? Or, is it the fear of facing them and it again? Did your therapists advise you to apologise? I don't know but I think that would be one step to reconciling things. I think it's important for people to know you're truly sorry and accept blame for your actions. They may still not be able to forgive you but, at least they'll know you feel remorse/ regret about it.

You mentioned that you couldn't blame alcohol etc. but that your actions came from your own emotional pain. I think that's valid. There's that whole 'people who hurt, hurt' phrase. To be truthful, there's stuff I did as I child I'm deeply ashamed of. I can try to make the excuse to myself that I was being bullied myself but, it doesn't quit cut it in my mind. I don't think I actually deserve to be forgiven for some of it. But- there's nothing I can do to change it now. All we can do is control our current actions and try to live as good morally as we can now.

 

[lost_one]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. Maybe this is going to be too personal- so- ignore it if it is. Can I ask why you feel like you can't apologise to the people you feel you've hurt? Is it because you don't want to cause them pain by reminding them? Or, is it the fear of facing them and it again? Did your therapists advise you to apologise? I don't know but I think that would be one step to reconciling things. I think it's important for people to know you're truly sorry and accept blame for your actions. They may still not be able to forgive you but, at least they'll know you feel remorse/ regret about it.

You mentioned that you couldn't blame alcohol etc. but that your actions came from your own emotional pain. I think that's valid. There's that whole 'people who hurt, hurt' phrase. To be truthful, there's stuff I did as I child I'm deeply ashamed of. I can try to make the excuse to myself that I was being bullied myself but, it doesn't quit cut it in my mind. I don't think I actually deserve to be forgiven for some of it. But- there's nothing I can do to change it now. All we can do is control our current actions and try to live as good morally as we can now.

I don't want to get into it, but talking to my therapist she has told me, after I explaned the whole thing to her that I probably shouldn't contact them, that it could do more damage than good, I am not going to get into it, but I think she is right. As for the second paragraph I don't think I deserve to live or be happy. Cause like I said what I did was serious and I don't think I would go to jail since I was 13 at the time, but probably juvenile detention, so essencially I don't know how to let go of this, to move on from it, and I am tired of living with this hate and self-loathing, and if I can't do better somehow than just ending this misery feels like the correct thing to do

Hey. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I really got a sense for how lost and hopeless you feel. To answer your last question, it's completely ok to come here before or even during a suicide attempt. You will find lots of threads from people posting before during and even in the interval between taking SN and their death, for example. It's one of the purposes of this forum, so no one who doesn't want to has to be entirely alone at that time.

I have some concrete advice for your issues with your past actions and self hatred. You can take it or leave it but I think it could help you if you want to try and forgive and redeem yourself and live your life. I don't usually like to make a direct suggestion, but seeing as you asked: my advice is to look into buddhism. There are many ways you can access buddhist teachings, but I suggest you start with some books. I would recommend "Opening the Hand of Thought" by Uchiyama, "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, and "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" by Shunryu Suzuki. You might also consider attending a 10 day Vipassana retreat, which don't charge any fee. Buddhism deals with the nature of the self and the laws of cause and effect. I am not qualified or able to explain it very well, which is why I recommend these books or attending a retreat where you can receive teaching.

But I can tell you that from understanding buddhism, which started from reading books and then practicing meditation, I found an ultimate acceptance of myself and all my actions, and a framework for forgiving myself and acting right going forwards. I also found a complete acceptance of death. I would love for everyone to have these gifts. It's not always an easy path and it takes effort. But if you want to try something before deciding your only option is death, this is what I would recommend from my own experience. All the best to you

I will look into the books, but being honest I won't read more than one considering I have few on my list I would like to read before CTB. Unfortuantely I have looked and there are no Vipassana near me, the closest is 600km away, and would only have something going on on may next year. I have tried meditation in the past and it gives me anxiety for some reason. But thanks for taking the time and answering me. Like I said before I will look into the books

 

[avalokitesvara]

I understand. I'm sorry your past weighs on you so heavy.

Fwiw I think you're very brave to acknowledge your wrong actions and feel responsible for them even considering you were only a child. It's not something everyone's capable of. I think accepting your act and feeling remorse is enough to redeem you, but I understand why this might be insurmountable for you.

I hope you find some absolution in one way or another