ScaredGirl
Mimi Ruru- 21 ~ she/her soft, death craving nerd
- Dec 20, 2020
- 71
I have the means to get SN and Meto. I want to CTB i have tried many times over my life but I am scared of being forgotten. Nobody remembers me anyhow and I really don't have anyone alive who would mourn, miss or celebrate me... I want to be remembered as the kind, caring, loving and devoted REAL FULL girl i always have been and will be.... I don't want to be alone in my final few days... I dont want to be in pain anymore...
I'm Lillie I'm 21 in 3 days. I'm trans female and two years on HRT. I just want someone to talk to who won't guilt-trip me or talk to me like I'm vermin and who can give me guidance.
I've been suicidal many times before I've attempted many times before. I self-harm I drink alcohol and have abused prescription drugs in the past. I've been through the NHS for mental health and they don't offer any real help just these self-help courses which I've been doing and following since I was 16.
Before I tell my story I want to say how I try to live life. I try to love myself and be kind to myself, I try not to pressure myself or compare myself, I try not to push myself too hard or put myself into situations that lower my mood or trigger me falling into crisis. I do self-help mindfulness and cbt which doesn't work too much anymore. I try to completely rewrite how I see life, the world, my body, myself and my pain. I take antidepressants, anti anxiety meds, HRT medications, lots of pain killers for my fibromyalgia and I take them daily at the right times. I have tried many antidepressant medications and have been on benzos too. I try to set small goals, respect my disabilities and isolate myself completely from online and irl social situations due to ptsd and social anxiety. I try my best to look after myself and love myself and life. I try to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I cannot accept.
I have ADHD, ASD, Gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, chronic depression, chronic social and general anxiety, EDS, fibromyalgia and cPTSD I came out as trans female when I was 12 and I got abused and raped by people in my hometown (a very not lgbt friendly place ran by gangs and drug lords)
I believe I am fat ugly have disgusting skin, a large sideprofile, huge shoulders, arms, hands, feet, legs, lots of cellulite and flab, a long neck, huge nose, huge forehead, tiny eyes and a really whiny voice even after voice training for 4 years. I have breasts from hrt and an hour glass figure but I cannot stand this face body or voice. I have the wrong genitalia I should have a vagina and a womb and be able to one day have my own children but I can't it's the wrong body with the wrong parts and nothing seems to be fixing it. I have surgery coming up in the next year but I'm not super hopeful that the rest of my life, body, voice and face will get to where I want it to get to.
I got bullied all through primary school, high school, college and the first year of uni (last year) my family were never there for me so I had 0 help and as a result of me being trans my teachers hated on me too (I went to a Catholic school) I have been the victim of many hate crimes because that's the UK and internet for you.
I am in a stable relationship now for once and I love my girlfriend to pieces. All my past relationships were abusive and I was cheated on and or raped causing my sexual trauma and sexual negativity which is why I do not go into the lgbt community I see too many triggers.
I am disabled I cannot walk much and need a wheelchair, I am very fatigued and in constant pain which requires me to drop out of university, rely solely on my partner for everything and rest in bed days on end. The things I used to enjoy I stopped enjoying a long time ago but kept doing them to stay busy and maybe through doing would enjoy again but now I can't even do them without being in pain and exhausted. I feel I suck at aeveything and I am not good at any of the things I've been practicing my whole life. I feel lost and hopeless.
I am very shy, kind, quiet, anxious, loyal, loving, funny, fun, awkward, gentle, slow and caring. I'm not a bad person I always try my best to help others and make friends. But things never work out.
My family abused me from birth and abused me more after I came out was trans female. I've been estranged from them. I found another family who wanted to adopt me at 15 but ended up just ghosting me for 5 years then telling me how perfect their life is now without me in it. (The most hurtful message I have ever received) all my exes who became poly, cheated or abused me are living much better lives and haven't been bit by karma. And said exes caused the friends I did have to leave me over lies they made about me.
Socially, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially I am just disabled I cannot go a day without feeling suicidal and wanting to cut or kill myself...
I just can't be social without breaking down, I have panic attacks, anxiety attacks, flashbacks from trauma where I have been beaten, raped, abused and seen really messed up things happen in from of me. I see anything sexual or any other girl and my brain tells me I'm not enough I am ugly and I won't be as beautiful as they are.
I tell myself to stop and not compare myself to others. Life or body but I can't help it. I was born ugly and hrt and surgery can't fix that. I'm disabled, mentally and physically so I can't really reach my goals. The world is a horrible place to live and the beautiful things it has just aren't keeping me here. I'm religious I used to be a pagan. I then became christian and I pray to God daily near enough but I do not feel his love or Christ's love. I'm a spiritualist and I try to embrace the strength of my soul and find some sort of love, hope and happiness in myself.
I can't do anything with my life, I'm too ugly to become a sex worker(as a last resort) or a cosplayer, my voice isnt femme to voice act female characters like I wanted to, I can't give birth or get a job to provide for an adopted child, I couldn't join the military because health, I can't travel to see the world or afford the surgeries that might just make me feel beautiful so I can sleep at night without wanting death.
Bottom line... I just want to be happy, make others happy, be a cis girl isnstead of a trans girl be as small skinny and beautiful in face body and voice as all these other girls o envy cosplayers and friends. I want a family and to not be mentally disabled or physically disablrd. I don't want to be shy or breakdown anymore. I want to be a normal beautiful girl who can make friends find meaning in life and obtain it. I want to be able to function I want to love and be loved.
But it's not possible I'm an optimist but I need to be real. With all I've been through with all my disadvantages and all the things I am trying to change which aren't changing. I try to say "I don't know how things will be maybe I'll be happy with my face body and voice someday? Maybe I'll get better and be able to reach all my goals and dreams? Maybe I'll get a job and pay for therapy and get my cptsd anxiety and depression fixed so I can exist in the community wihtout having a crisis? I don't know what the future holds?" But I say that day after day week after week year after year.
Realistically my disabilities won't go away, I won't be able to earn enough for any surgeries and hrt and said surgeries won't be able to make the drastic changes I need, my mental health isn't curable it's just treatable.
Realistically my only option is to live a life of pain trying to be positive and happy hoping for a big maybe that is very very unlikely or to kill myself and not have to experience anymore pain. When I'm dead I won't know relief I won't feel relief but I also won't feel pain. My spirit and soul will be free form this horrible body and life.
The reasons the suicide rate for trans women is so high is too clear to me and I've tried to dedicate my life to helping other trans people through advice and being there for them. I've saved lived and helped change lives for the better Ive done lots of activist work but I had to completely stop after my diagnosis of fibro and eds put me in too much pain to function normally...
Please help me find peace. I focus on one thing at a time and try to resolve that while I isolate myself from my triggers and try to fake it until I make it but I can't change the things I need to change for myself to be happy and find my life worth living.
I want to end my life. I deserve to have that option and not be judged for that...
Edit: I get told I need to love myself before someone else will love me. That's just not true. My partner loves me and I love her which makes ending my life all the more harder ..
I'm suffer from chronic social anxiety, general anxiety, agoraphobia, fibromyalgia, ehlers danlos syndrome, chronic depression, gender dysphoria, cPTSD, flashbacks, sexual trauma, ADHD and autism.
I want therapy and help to fix all of the above I am far too shy and anxious to meet new people or make fun enjoyable conversation and lots of people think I'm weird uninteresting or too awkward.
I want to be happy with my face voice and body I want to have the right body with female genitalia. I want voice therapy and hrt to work but I'm two years on hrt and I haven't had much change and I am four years on hrt and haven't had much change. I ask the community for help with dieting weight loss voice therapy and they don't provide advice or help that isn't toxic.
I struggle to walk because my disability and my mental cognition is massively degraded due to being in constant pain and suffering. As a result I struggle to practice and I can barely control my hands for things like drawing, painting, sewing and writing. Practicing is very hard and I had to stop playing guitar and I struggle to draw because I keep feeling what I produce doesn't lead to improvement.
I unfortunately keep comparing myself to other people who are more privileged genetically, mentally or financially. People who are cis or trans women who pass very easily with minimal or no time on hrt or voice therapy. People who are more skilled in things or more able to function. People leading very social lives or people with the confidence to be super slutty not that I want to be a whore anymore.
I struggle to practice to get good at things, I feel my transition won't get me to where I would like to be, because I am disabled I have no income or means to obtain income to self medicate my adhd pay for therapy, pay for face surgery, voice surgery and get optional substances like weed to help myself cope and function. I cannot be sexual or social so I am seen as a really not attractive or worthwhile girl to talk with or spent time which which is why all my exes cheated and abused me and my friends all abandoned me. I have been betrayed many times and my autism, anxiety, cptsd plus my lack of enjoyment in things anymore have made engaging in conversation a panic attack outcome and my girlfriend cried her eyes out tonight because of how upset I am and i only live for her to make her happy. She kinda guilts me into being here and tells me not to talk about my suicidal feelings because they bring her down
Ideally I want to fix my face body voice and genitalia to all be gorgeous feminine sexy hot and beautiful to where I am happy in my own skim
I want to overcome my anxiety, cptsd, sex trauma and I want to understand my autism and learn to accept my disability and that I can't accomplish as much as others.
I want to feel self love self confidence and pride in myself and my skills.
I want to be confident, social, fun, funny, lovable, attractive, desirable, sexy, gentle, loyal, genuine, honest, selfless
I want to be mega cute inside and out
I want to enjoy things again and get really good at drawing 2D digital and traditional, sewing and designing clothing and plushies, making clay and resin jewelry and sculptures, photographer, voice acting, singing, cosplay and I want to get good at talking to other people and making other people feel happy loved supported and understood
I want to pass 4000% cis female In every way and make lots of real friends who will love me for me and want to spend time with me. I want to be happy and comfortable being me. I want to feel. happy with my name with the way I talk, think, write, move, breathe, laugh, smile. I want to be able to post and talk like you do and I want to feel calm and accomplished
I really want my fibro and eds to get better or become more bearable so the constant fatigue and pain doesn't keep holding me back from doing things
I want to lose weight and feminize my body more through exercise and I want hrt and voice therapy to work
I really want to live happily within myself and to make my girlfriend the happiest girl
But I feel like all of these things aren't possible because I don't have an income, because of my disabilities, because of my genetics, and because of my many repetitive negative experiences. I am on the right levels of hrt to. Get the changes I should be getting but being two years on hrt aren't getting the amazing results happy trans women get two months on hrt and voice therapy doesn't seem to be moving. I want surgery for my face and voice. I tried crowdfunding I tried to get really good at crafting sewing and drawing so I could make a business to sell things but the quality didn't attract any customers
I try to love myself and be happy within myself but my autism makes me really confused and I feel misunderstood by everyone. An example. Even when I write a username, a bio, or choose an avatar I struggle to think of ones that would express me and make me happy
Please God send me a miracle send me some weed send me some love send me the things I want to believe to be truutba
Tell me I will be happy with my face body and voice once day tell me I am a lovable good girl and all the things I wish to be. Tell me that hrt and voice therapy will work they are just taking time. Please tell me I will be able to beat my depression dysphoria dysmorphia anxiety eating disorders my pain that I will be able to practice learn and improve all my skills and knowledge. That I will be able to understand my autism..that people will love me and want to be my friend that I will have the beauty and confidence to be happy with myself.
want god to tell me I am beautiful I am lovable and I am the best friend and wife anyone could want and have that people do want me do crush on me do think I am aweskme fun cool and enjoyable to hang out with
I want to believe I will overvome my truama nd be able to look a poly person a super sexual perosn a bully or a toxic person in the eyes and feel no negative feelinga no envy no fear no anxiety
I want to be able to feel comfortable and confident to go into the trans community again and continue my activm work to look at more priveleged prettier trans girls without feeling less than they are
I want my hrt results to take me down the road all these other trans women have gone down where they are happy with a quarter of the time I have been on it for.
I want to become knowledgeable in many things skilled good and excellent on lots of things and I really want to be loved and make others feel loved and happy
I want to figure out my religious and spiritual compass because i believe in a goddess I believe in crystal healing I believe in chakras I believe in God and christ jesus I am so full of spirit but so damaged and neglected with no money or support to get to where I want to be. I just want to know it can all be done and that the things which do look like proof that they can't be fixed isn't proof but just depression telling me otherwise
I want to hear what I want to believe but if it's not the truth then I'm not sure I will ever be able to cope or live
Can someone please reach out to me and try be my friend...
I'm Lillie I'm 21 in 3 days. I'm trans female and two years on HRT. I just want someone to talk to who won't guilt-trip me or talk to me like I'm vermin and who can give me guidance.
I've been suicidal many times before I've attempted many times before. I self-harm I drink alcohol and have abused prescription drugs in the past. I've been through the NHS for mental health and they don't offer any real help just these self-help courses which I've been doing and following since I was 16.
Before I tell my story I want to say how I try to live life. I try to love myself and be kind to myself, I try not to pressure myself or compare myself, I try not to push myself too hard or put myself into situations that lower my mood or trigger me falling into crisis. I do self-help mindfulness and cbt which doesn't work too much anymore. I try to completely rewrite how I see life, the world, my body, myself and my pain. I take antidepressants, anti anxiety meds, HRT medications, lots of pain killers for my fibromyalgia and I take them daily at the right times. I have tried many antidepressant medications and have been on benzos too. I try to set small goals, respect my disabilities and isolate myself completely from online and irl social situations due to ptsd and social anxiety. I try my best to look after myself and love myself and life. I try to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I cannot accept.
I have ADHD, ASD, Gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, chronic depression, chronic social and general anxiety, EDS, fibromyalgia and cPTSD I came out as trans female when I was 12 and I got abused and raped by people in my hometown (a very not lgbt friendly place ran by gangs and drug lords)
I believe I am fat ugly have disgusting skin, a large sideprofile, huge shoulders, arms, hands, feet, legs, lots of cellulite and flab, a long neck, huge nose, huge forehead, tiny eyes and a really whiny voice even after voice training for 4 years. I have breasts from hrt and an hour glass figure but I cannot stand this face body or voice. I have the wrong genitalia I should have a vagina and a womb and be able to one day have my own children but I can't it's the wrong body with the wrong parts and nothing seems to be fixing it. I have surgery coming up in the next year but I'm not super hopeful that the rest of my life, body, voice and face will get to where I want it to get to.
I got bullied all through primary school, high school, college and the first year of uni (last year) my family were never there for me so I had 0 help and as a result of me being trans my teachers hated on me too (I went to a Catholic school) I have been the victim of many hate crimes because that's the UK and internet for you.
I am in a stable relationship now for once and I love my girlfriend to pieces. All my past relationships were abusive and I was cheated on and or raped causing my sexual trauma and sexual negativity which is why I do not go into the lgbt community I see too many triggers.
I am disabled I cannot walk much and need a wheelchair, I am very fatigued and in constant pain which requires me to drop out of university, rely solely on my partner for everything and rest in bed days on end. The things I used to enjoy I stopped enjoying a long time ago but kept doing them to stay busy and maybe through doing would enjoy again but now I can't even do them without being in pain and exhausted. I feel I suck at aeveything and I am not good at any of the things I've been practicing my whole life. I feel lost and hopeless.
I am very shy, kind, quiet, anxious, loyal, loving, funny, fun, awkward, gentle, slow and caring. I'm not a bad person I always try my best to help others and make friends. But things never work out.
My family abused me from birth and abused me more after I came out was trans female. I've been estranged from them. I found another family who wanted to adopt me at 15 but ended up just ghosting me for 5 years then telling me how perfect their life is now without me in it. (The most hurtful message I have ever received) all my exes who became poly, cheated or abused me are living much better lives and haven't been bit by karma. And said exes caused the friends I did have to leave me over lies they made about me.
Socially, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially I am just disabled I cannot go a day without feeling suicidal and wanting to cut or kill myself...
I just can't be social without breaking down, I have panic attacks, anxiety attacks, flashbacks from trauma where I have been beaten, raped, abused and seen really messed up things happen in from of me. I see anything sexual or any other girl and my brain tells me I'm not enough I am ugly and I won't be as beautiful as they are.
I tell myself to stop and not compare myself to others. Life or body but I can't help it. I was born ugly and hrt and surgery can't fix that. I'm disabled, mentally and physically so I can't really reach my goals. The world is a horrible place to live and the beautiful things it has just aren't keeping me here. I'm religious I used to be a pagan. I then became christian and I pray to God daily near enough but I do not feel his love or Christ's love. I'm a spiritualist and I try to embrace the strength of my soul and find some sort of love, hope and happiness in myself.
I can't do anything with my life, I'm too ugly to become a sex worker(as a last resort) or a cosplayer, my voice isnt femme to voice act female characters like I wanted to, I can't give birth or get a job to provide for an adopted child, I couldn't join the military because health, I can't travel to see the world or afford the surgeries that might just make me feel beautiful so I can sleep at night without wanting death.
Bottom line... I just want to be happy, make others happy, be a cis girl isnstead of a trans girl be as small skinny and beautiful in face body and voice as all these other girls o envy cosplayers and friends. I want a family and to not be mentally disabled or physically disablrd. I don't want to be shy or breakdown anymore. I want to be a normal beautiful girl who can make friends find meaning in life and obtain it. I want to be able to function I want to love and be loved.
But it's not possible I'm an optimist but I need to be real. With all I've been through with all my disadvantages and all the things I am trying to change which aren't changing. I try to say "I don't know how things will be maybe I'll be happy with my face body and voice someday? Maybe I'll get better and be able to reach all my goals and dreams? Maybe I'll get a job and pay for therapy and get my cptsd anxiety and depression fixed so I can exist in the community wihtout having a crisis? I don't know what the future holds?" But I say that day after day week after week year after year.
Realistically my disabilities won't go away, I won't be able to earn enough for any surgeries and hrt and said surgeries won't be able to make the drastic changes I need, my mental health isn't curable it's just treatable.
Realistically my only option is to live a life of pain trying to be positive and happy hoping for a big maybe that is very very unlikely or to kill myself and not have to experience anymore pain. When I'm dead I won't know relief I won't feel relief but I also won't feel pain. My spirit and soul will be free form this horrible body and life.
The reasons the suicide rate for trans women is so high is too clear to me and I've tried to dedicate my life to helping other trans people through advice and being there for them. I've saved lived and helped change lives for the better Ive done lots of activist work but I had to completely stop after my diagnosis of fibro and eds put me in too much pain to function normally...
Please help me find peace. I focus on one thing at a time and try to resolve that while I isolate myself from my triggers and try to fake it until I make it but I can't change the things I need to change for myself to be happy and find my life worth living.
I want to end my life. I deserve to have that option and not be judged for that...
Edit: I get told I need to love myself before someone else will love me. That's just not true. My partner loves me and I love her which makes ending my life all the more harder ..
I'm suffer from chronic social anxiety, general anxiety, agoraphobia, fibromyalgia, ehlers danlos syndrome, chronic depression, gender dysphoria, cPTSD, flashbacks, sexual trauma, ADHD and autism.
I want therapy and help to fix all of the above I am far too shy and anxious to meet new people or make fun enjoyable conversation and lots of people think I'm weird uninteresting or too awkward.
I want to be happy with my face voice and body I want to have the right body with female genitalia. I want voice therapy and hrt to work but I'm two years on hrt and I haven't had much change and I am four years on hrt and haven't had much change. I ask the community for help with dieting weight loss voice therapy and they don't provide advice or help that isn't toxic.
I struggle to walk because my disability and my mental cognition is massively degraded due to being in constant pain and suffering. As a result I struggle to practice and I can barely control my hands for things like drawing, painting, sewing and writing. Practicing is very hard and I had to stop playing guitar and I struggle to draw because I keep feeling what I produce doesn't lead to improvement.
I unfortunately keep comparing myself to other people who are more privileged genetically, mentally or financially. People who are cis or trans women who pass very easily with minimal or no time on hrt or voice therapy. People who are more skilled in things or more able to function. People leading very social lives or people with the confidence to be super slutty not that I want to be a whore anymore.
I struggle to practice to get good at things, I feel my transition won't get me to where I would like to be, because I am disabled I have no income or means to obtain income to self medicate my adhd pay for therapy, pay for face surgery, voice surgery and get optional substances like weed to help myself cope and function. I cannot be sexual or social so I am seen as a really not attractive or worthwhile girl to talk with or spent time which which is why all my exes cheated and abused me and my friends all abandoned me. I have been betrayed many times and my autism, anxiety, cptsd plus my lack of enjoyment in things anymore have made engaging in conversation a panic attack outcome and my girlfriend cried her eyes out tonight because of how upset I am and i only live for her to make her happy. She kinda guilts me into being here and tells me not to talk about my suicidal feelings because they bring her down
Ideally I want to fix my face body voice and genitalia to all be gorgeous feminine sexy hot and beautiful to where I am happy in my own skim
I want to overcome my anxiety, cptsd, sex trauma and I want to understand my autism and learn to accept my disability and that I can't accomplish as much as others.
I want to feel self love self confidence and pride in myself and my skills.
I want to be confident, social, fun, funny, lovable, attractive, desirable, sexy, gentle, loyal, genuine, honest, selfless
I want to be mega cute inside and out
I want to enjoy things again and get really good at drawing 2D digital and traditional, sewing and designing clothing and plushies, making clay and resin jewelry and sculptures, photographer, voice acting, singing, cosplay and I want to get good at talking to other people and making other people feel happy loved supported and understood
I want to pass 4000% cis female In every way and make lots of real friends who will love me for me and want to spend time with me. I want to be happy and comfortable being me. I want to feel. happy with my name with the way I talk, think, write, move, breathe, laugh, smile. I want to be able to post and talk like you do and I want to feel calm and accomplished
I really want my fibro and eds to get better or become more bearable so the constant fatigue and pain doesn't keep holding me back from doing things
I want to lose weight and feminize my body more through exercise and I want hrt and voice therapy to work
I really want to live happily within myself and to make my girlfriend the happiest girl
But I feel like all of these things aren't possible because I don't have an income, because of my disabilities, because of my genetics, and because of my many repetitive negative experiences. I am on the right levels of hrt to. Get the changes I should be getting but being two years on hrt aren't getting the amazing results happy trans women get two months on hrt and voice therapy doesn't seem to be moving. I want surgery for my face and voice. I tried crowdfunding I tried to get really good at crafting sewing and drawing so I could make a business to sell things but the quality didn't attract any customers
I try to love myself and be happy within myself but my autism makes me really confused and I feel misunderstood by everyone. An example. Even when I write a username, a bio, or choose an avatar I struggle to think of ones that would express me and make me happy
Please God send me a miracle send me some weed send me some love send me the things I want to believe to be truutba
Tell me I will be happy with my face body and voice once day tell me I am a lovable good girl and all the things I wish to be. Tell me that hrt and voice therapy will work they are just taking time. Please tell me I will be able to beat my depression dysphoria dysmorphia anxiety eating disorders my pain that I will be able to practice learn and improve all my skills and knowledge. That I will be able to understand my autism..that people will love me and want to be my friend that I will have the beauty and confidence to be happy with myself.
want god to tell me I am beautiful I am lovable and I am the best friend and wife anyone could want and have that people do want me do crush on me do think I am aweskme fun cool and enjoyable to hang out with
I want to believe I will overvome my truama nd be able to look a poly person a super sexual perosn a bully or a toxic person in the eyes and feel no negative feelinga no envy no fear no anxiety
I want to be able to feel comfortable and confident to go into the trans community again and continue my activm work to look at more priveleged prettier trans girls without feeling less than they are
I want my hrt results to take me down the road all these other trans women have gone down where they are happy with a quarter of the time I have been on it for.
I want to become knowledgeable in many things skilled good and excellent on lots of things and I really want to be loved and make others feel loved and happy
I want to figure out my religious and spiritual compass because i believe in a goddess I believe in crystal healing I believe in chakras I believe in God and christ jesus I am so full of spirit but so damaged and neglected with no money or support to get to where I want to be. I just want to know it can all be done and that the things which do look like proof that they can't be fixed isn't proof but just depression telling me otherwise
I want to hear what I want to believe but if it's not the truth then I'm not sure I will ever be able to cope or live
Can someone please reach out to me and try be my friend...
