Venting I am sick and tired of living (Failed Goodbye)

[Namelesa]

I don't know what do anymore. I don't know how to get rid of my emptiness with out the risk of triggering unwanted memories, thoughts and emotions. Interacting with this site has helped a little in feeling belonging and filling the void in me but I sometimes have gotten triggered by things on here so I don't know how I have supposed to cope.

My continued existence just causes more pain to me and others. I have either rot alone and suffer eternal emptiness or take a gamble with interacting with people as I could get hurt with fear of abandonment or not being understood and listened to or hurting other person with my intense emotions and hurting them either accidentally or cus I suddenly feel intense pain that I am desperate to escape from. I don't want to cause more pain to me or others.

I am sick of having to remember school and re-experience the torture of it through nightmares and it lessening my tolerance of mental pain. I am sick of having disgusting thoughts that I know other people will hate me for and forever have to be guilty about so have to cut to punish myself for thinking this way. I am sick of being pathetic and sensitive to everything and get upset easily. I am sick of upsetting others with my emotions. I never be able to function normally as a human being without feeling intense fear, boredom, guilt, emptiness or despair.

Its hard to recover but its also hard to die. My parents trap me so I don't have the freedom to get better or end my suffering. I can't see my best friend to feel better but potential can't kill myself to end the pain due to lack of access to methods. I am trapped in this suffering with no way out.

I just want be looked after. I just want someone to give me a long huggie. I just want to be cared for and listened to. I want to be able to do the same for others and not hurt anyone innocent. All I want is to not feel or remember or have to do anything painful anymore.

 

[CaliguIa]

feel you

 

[Namelesa]

I have decided to make a suicide note now for my parents and have written that I want them to suffer for creating and trapping me.



I am going to try to a tie a noose and see if I can try to partial hang. Hopefully I am not too dumb to be able to tie a slipknot and the rope is strong enough as this the only method I can access and only have this rope. I do have regrets about not being able to see my best friend again but I can't deal with being trapped here any longer. I hope after death is forever non existence so I don't have to ever suffer again.

Update: I think I managed to make the knot and me pushing it down doesn't break it but it hurts so much to put my neck on it. I know I am pathetic with physical and mental pain but I need to be determined to kill myself now so I don't have to go through even more of it in the future. I am just a step away to ending my suffering.

 

[b1241]

I am so sorry things are so hard. That all sounds so difficult. I hope you can pause for a moment and make sure you aren't acting out of impulse. I don't mean that to sound rude or uncaring, I just want to make sure you have a clear head. I am sending heaps of care your way.

Edited for a typo

 

[Namelesa]

God I am trying several times now and it just hurts so much. Am I doing it wrong or I am just pathetic like I usually am?

I am so sorry things are so hard. That all sounds so difficult. I hope you can pause for a moment and make sure you aren't acting out of impulse. I don't mean that yo sound rude or uncaring, I just want to make sure you have a clear head. I am sending heaps of care your way.

I am acting on impulse cus of triggering memories and feelings of guilt and worthless consuming me at the moment but I don't care. I know logically it's best for me to die as there isn't a guarantee I will get better when with dying there is a guarantee my suffering will end. The stupid hopefully part of me is thinking of things I could do with my life but that's just too painful for me to deal with anymore. I don't want to live with constant traumatic memories and guilt of what I have done drag me down any longer and I don't want to add to those things by continuing to live. I would prefer to be able to live longer to be able to do what I want to do but if after death is non existence then I could free from all this torture and I won't care about any of those stuff if I am dead.

I heard about using a sock to lessen the pain of it so should I stick to using it? Is this a good enough noose to kill myself on?

 

[Namelesa]

Why am I so pathetic? I can't do anything right. Not even my own suicide. It isn't even SI stopping me, just my strong avoidance to feel any pain. Why do I have to continue to suffer?

Well it's best for me not to attempt it anymore now cus my mum is awake so this has been a failure. I hate my life and myself so much.

 

[EternalShore]

Why am I so pathetic? I can't do anything right. Not even my own suicide. It isn't even SI stopping me, just my strong avoidance to feel any pain. Why do I have to continue to suffer?

I'm sorry, Namelesa~ :( The road to leaving this world is truly blocked by inaccessibility and pain~ :(

I don't know what do anymore. I don't know how to get rid of my emptiness with out the risk of triggering unwanted memories, thoughts and emotions. Interacting with this site has helped a little in feeling belonging and filling the void in me but I sometimes have gotten triggered by things on here so I don't know how I have supposed to cope.

I'm glad SS has managed to help you feel a little bit better in spite of everything~ :) unfortunately, I've had the same issues with finding stuff here that makes me feel bad~ >_< generally, when I see unwanted stuff here, I remind myself that just like me, they're here for a reason, so while their life may seem somewhat better than mine, it's still quite terrible and nothing to be jealous of~ then, regarding other users (:/), I just hit the ignore button for them~ There should really be a better system of muting stuff! :/ thankfully tho, this website is still way better (at least, for me) regarding that than places like Twitter and Reddit~ :) at the end of the day tho, imo, sleep is the best way to cope with awfulness~ :) I wish you well and a good morning should you decide to sleep it all off~ :)

My continued existence just causes more pain to me and others. I have either rot alone and suffer eternal emptiness or take a gamble with interacting with people as I could get hurt with fear of abandonment or not being understood and listened to or hurting other person with my intense emotions and hurting them either accidentally or cus I suddenly feel intense pain that I am desperate to escape from. I don't want to cause more pain to me or others.

I'm sorry you feel that way about talking to others~ :( I would like to tell you that humans are social creatures~ they inherently like talking~ I'm sure you do too~ :) We've been able to talk to each other and others lots during the counting game! ^_^ plus, humans are selfish as heck as you've probably noticed from your parents trapping you to keep you alive. They don't care one bit about you and will abandon if they dislike you~ If you hurt others even slightly, you'll notice quite quickly~ ofc, I'm sorry about your pain that you experience through being abandoned by these selfish humans and can definitely empathize with it as I've experience the same thing wayyy too many times~ >_< as far as I can tell, you've been quite nice for me and others to talk to here tho~ :)

I just want be looked after. I just want someone to give me a long huggie. I just want to be cared for and listened to. I want to be able to do the same for others and not hurt anyone innocent. All I want is to not feel or remember or have to do anything painful anymore.

I'm sorry for all that has happened to you~ >_< You've certainly not lived an easy life with everything that has gone on and especially your parents trapping you indoors as of late! >_< I can't promise you'll be okay, but I wish to make you feel better and cared for a little more~ :( huggies~ <333

 

[wanttodie]

i want to end my life by hanging to

 

[Namelesa]

I'm sorry, Namelesa~ :( The road to leaving this world is truly blocked by inaccessibility and pain~ :(

I wish I was less sensitive and had higher pain tolerance. I have always been like this physically and mentally. I don't any other methods except this one.

I'm glad SS has managed to help you feel a little bit better in spite of everything~ :) unfortunately, I've had the same issues with finding stuff here that makes me feel bad~ >_< generally, when I see unwanted stuff here, I remind myself that just like me, they're here for a reason, so while their life may seem somewhat better than mine, it's still quite terrible and nothing to be jealous of~ then, regarding other users (:/), I just hit the ignore button for them~ There should really be a better system of muting stuff! :/ thankfully tho, this website is still way better (at least, for me) regarding that than places like Twitter and Reddit~ :) at the end of the day tho, imo, sleep is the best way to cope with awfulness~ :) I wish you well and a good morning should you decide to sleep it all off~ :)

Its been infrequent that I have felt negative here. Just 2 particular threads have triggered me with what was said in them as it made me to either hate myself or feel invalid for feeling this way. I wish I could sleep more but people often wake me up cus I am needed for something. I am not going to sleep well tonight cus I tried to stay up to attempt this over and over and it's 7am for me.

I'm sorry you feel that way about talking to others~ :( I would like to tell you that humans are social creatures~ they inherently like talking~ I'm sure you do too~ :) We've been able to talk to each other and others lots during the counting game! ^_^ plus, humans are selfish as heck as you've probably noticed from your parents trapping you to keep you alive. They don't care one bit about you and will abandon if they dislike you~ If you hurt others even slightly, you'll notice quite quickly~ ofc, I'm sorry about your pain that you experience through being abandoned by these selfish humans and can definitely empathize with it as I've experience the same thing wayyy too many times~ >_< as far as I can tell, you've been quite nice for me and others to talk to here tho~ :)

I do like interacting with people. I am just so paranoid of getting hurt or accidentally hurting others. I don't want to hurt anyone innocent at all and only do so out of accident or if I desperate to escape the pain I am in. I feel so much guilt for the things I have done wrong.

Sadly I wish my parents weren't so protective of me. They are very persistent about keeping me alive. I wish they could just kick me out the house so I could jump off somewhere.

I'm sorry for all that has happened to you~ >_< You've certainly not lived an easy life with everything that has gone on and especially your parents trapping you indoors as of late! >_< I can't promise you'll be okay, but I wish to make you feel better and cared for a little more~ :( huggies~ <333
View attachment 157331

Thank you<3<3<3 I just want to be able to forget the torture I went through with school and people abandoning me and get rid of my feelings of guilt and emptiness. I just want to see my best friend. I just want a hug from him. I don't know what to do with my life to make it better or to escape it early.

 

[joyfulegirl999]

I don't know what do anymore. I don't know how to get rid of my emptiness with out the risk of triggering unwanted memories, thoughts and emotions. Interacting with this site has helped a little in feeling belonging and filling the void in me but I sometimes have gotten triggered by things on here so I don't know how I have supposed to cope.

My continued existence just causes more pain to me and others. I have either rot alone and suffer eternal emptiness or take a gamble with interacting with people as I could get hurt with fear of abandonment or not being understood and listened to or hurting other person with my intense emotions and hurting them either accidentally or cus I suddenly feel intense pain that I am desperate to escape from. I don't want to cause more pain to me or others.

I am sick of having to remember school and re-experience the torture of it through nightmares and it lessening my tolerance of mental pain. I am sick of having disgusting thoughts that I know other people will hate me for and forever have to be guilty about so have to cut to punish myself for thinking this way. I am sick of being pathetic and sensitive to everything and get upset easily. I am sick of upsetting others with my emotions. I never be able to function normally as a human being without feeling intense fear, boredom, guilt, emptiness or despair.

Its hard to recover but its also hard to die. My parents trap me so I don't have the freedom to get better or end my suffering. I can't see my best friend to feel better but potential can't kill myself to end the pain due to lack of access to methods. I am trapped in this suffering with no way out.

I just want be looked after. I just want someone to give me a long huggie. I just want to be cared for and listened to. I want to be able to do the same for others and not hurt anyone innocent. All I want is to not feel or remember or have to do anything painful anymore.

Hii! Farewell on your journey, don't make the same mistake I did and get caught. If you want it to work make sure there is nothing around you that you can use to cut the rope (only if you want it to work), partial hang, and hanging in general does hurt but when you look at it in the long run, that pain is temporary. I understand the parent thing so much although mine is only my dad I dislike. I wish you the best of travels <3

 

[scottchy]

Poor babe
I can feel my heart shredding into a million pieces reading this.
I'm so sorry you had to experience everything you've gone through.
Please take care of yourself and be safe

 

[EternalShore]

I wish I was less sensitive and had higher pain tolerance. I have always been like this physically and mentally. I don't any other methods except this one.

I'm sorry, Namelesa~ :( I understand your pain because I have it similarly as well~ :( it sucks that some dumb boys will always do stupid stuff and be like "made you flinch" or whatever~ :p I had to stop karate when I was younger partially because I couldn't handle the pain of practice sparring~ >_<

Its been infrequent that I have felt negative here. Just 2 particular threads have triggered me with what was said in them as it made me to either hate myself or feel invalid for feeling this way. I wish I could sleep more but people often wake me up cus I am needed for something. I am not going to sleep well tonight cus I tried to stay up to attempt this over and over and it's 7am for me.

I'm glad about that~ :) other sites would certainly make it more frequent~ >_< I'm sorry that you did feel bad about those threads tho and do hope you find a way to encounter them less and preferably not at all~ :)
well, I wish you the best with sleeping then! :) why can't you ruin your sleep schedule and sleep rn btw? :) If you fail an all nighter and accidentally fall asleep in the day, it'll ruin your sleep even more~ >_< Is it because of daytime responsibilities or whatever~?

I do like interacting with people. I am just so paranoid of getting hurt or accidentally hurting others. I don't want to hurt anyone innocent at all and only do so out of accident or if I desperate to escape the pain I am in. I feel so much guilt for the things I have done wrong.

Sadly I wish my parents weren't so protective of me. They are very persistent about keeping me alive. I wish they could just kick me out the house so I could jump off somewhere.

hehe~ I'm glad you do! ^_^ Me too! ^_^
I'm sorry to hear about that~ :( I wish socializing were easier, but it's really not, and it can be such a struggle at times too! >_< Especially for those of us who are more sensitive and others are more prone to dislike for some unknown reason~ :/ I hope any people you do hurt will understand that you don't mean to hurt them, and that you, in fact, mean the best for them~ :) sure, they may never act like that to you, but if you approach all your interactions with the mindset that you wish to care for yourself and others as much as you can given whatever knowledge you have at that moment, then, you'll likely not regret your past actions very much~ after all, everything you said or did is what you thought was best then, even if it unfortunately doesn't pan out~ :/ It's helped me feel better about myself, and many of the terrible decisions I've made~ >_<
They really are~ :/ Part of that is because they're your parents, and even being pro-choice, I can't really let people I truly care for go very easily~ Also, it all comes back to what TAW always says about pro-lifers~ Quantity of life > quality of life~ :/ Unfortunately, they don't seem to realize that the sewer slidality comes from bad things happening and not just randomly or for attention~ and ofc, them not letting you out just makes that even worse for you! :/
idk how exactly they know you're sewer slidal and whether or not they plan on just doing it forever due to one thing~ However, just in case that isn't the case and they can be convinced to stop, I would try to feign a healthy mental state around them and try to win some privileges~ :) Trust me, I get that it's tough and terrible to pretend, but you have an outlet for all your real thoughts here on SS~ :) Hopefully, that'll make you feel better and be able to actually start feeling better as you get more and more freedom, more becoming of someone 18+~ :)

Thank you<3<3<3 I just want to be able to forget the torture I went through with school and people abandoning me and get rid of my feelings of guilt and emptiness. I just want to see my best friend. I just want a hug from him. I don't know what to do with my life to make it better or to escape it early.

you're welcome! <333 I'm sorry about all the troubles you went with school and all the abandonment of others~ :( I can certainly say that I've experienced it too, and I'm sure many others here have as well! :( It sucks and is terrible, and no one deserves to go through such horrible treatment! >_<
hehe~ I hope you're able to see him again some day~ :) ofc, idk about your living situation but perhaps you could ask your parents if they could let him come over and if not, perhaps try to get him in while they're sleeping~ :) ofc, that 2nd idea could really backfire, but I figure it'd be really nice for you to see and hug someone you truly care about irl again even if you still can't leave the house, and it'd make you feel way better too! :D

 

[natthebrat]

i dont have any advice, but i hear you. it seems like you and i just want the same things, to be out of pain. hopefully we'll both have that soon. id give you that long hug if i could. thank you for being so kind around my own failed attempt last week, i really appreciated your words <3

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm sorry that you're still trapped in this cruel existence. It's so cruel at how little freedom that we have to do what we want. I hope that you find peace soon

 

[Undertow Mermaid]

I mean, my honest take on your note? You seem kinda young, how old are you around? If you can't stand your parents maybe try finding resources to move out and go no contact. It sucks they brought you into a world you're suffering in but you can attempt to give life a go independent of outside influences like shit tier parents.

But then again, my suicide note is literally just probably gonna be "Yeah whatever." I got nothing left to say, no one left to blame I just couldn't hack it.

 

[Namelesa]

I mean, my honest take on your note? You seem kinda young, how old are you around? If you can't stand your parents maybe try finding resources to move out and go no contact. It sucks they brought you into a world you're suffering in but you can attempt to give life a go independent of outside influences like shit tier parents.

But then again, my suicide note is literally just probably gonna be "Yeah whatever." I got nothing left to say, no one left to blame I just couldn't hack it.

I am 19. I wouldn't be able to move out as I wouldn't be able to handle a job and can't even go outside cus of parents trapping due to my suicidalness. I don't know how I am supposed to get better when I am trapped like this and often when I try to do things to fill the void in me it back fires on me and causes me more pain.

 

[Namelesa]

I'm sorry, Namelesa~ :( I understand your pain because I have it similarly as well~ :( it sucks that some dumb boys will always do stupid stuff and be like "made you flinch" or whatever~ :p I had to stop karate when I was younger partially because I couldn't handle the pain of practice sparring~ >_<

I always hated PE cus of the potential to get hurt and that I was never good at it. I often cried during it.

I'm glad about that~ :) other sites would certainly make it more frequent~ >_< I'm sorry that you did feel bad about those threads tho and do hope you find a way to encounter them less and preferably not at all~ :)
well, I wish you the best with sleeping then! :) why can't you ruin your sleep schedule and sleep rn btw? :) If you fail an all nighter and accidentally fall asleep in the day, it'll ruin your sleep even more~ >_< Is it because of daytime responsibilities or whatever~?

My family will wake me up often for eating food, taking medication at right time and if I need to go to therapy or help with something. I wish I could sleep more as well but my brain sometimes just doesn't want to.

hehe~ I'm glad you do! ^_^ Me too! ^_^
I'm sorry to hear about that~ :( I wish socializing were easier, but it's really not, and it can be such a struggle at times too! >_< Especially for those of us who are more sensitive and others are more prone to dislike for some unknown reason~ :/ I hope any people you do hurt will understand that you don't mean to hurt them, and that you, in fact, mean the best for them~ :) sure, they may never act like that to you, but if you approach all your interactions with the mindset that you wish to care for yourself and others as much as you can given whatever knowledge you have at that moment, then, you'll likely not regret your past actions very much~ after all, everything you said or did is what you thought was best then, even if it unfortunately doesn't pan out~ :/ It's helped me feel better about myself, and many of the terrible decisions I've made~ >_<
They really are~ :/ Part of that is because they're your parents, and even being pro-choice, I can't really let people I truly care for go very easily~ Also, it all comes back to what TAW always says about pro-lifers~ Quantity of life > quality of life~ :/ Unfortunately, they don't seem to realize that the sewer slidality comes from bad things happening and not just randomly or for attention~ and ofc, them not letting you out just makes that even worse for you! :/
idk how exactly they know you're sewer slidal and whether or not they plan on just doing it forever due to one thing~ However, just in case that isn't the case and they can be convinced to stop, I would try to feign a healthy mental state around them and try to win some privileges~ :) Trust me, I get that it's tough and terrible to pretend, but you have an outlet for all your real thoughts here on SS~ :) Hopefully, that'll make you feel better and be able to actually start feeling better as you get more and more freedom, more becoming of someone 18+~ :)

Sadly I often regret stuff I did accidentally. I feel like I need to remember everything bad I have done and hate myself for it so I don't do it again. I also feel like I have done actual terrible things but only did it cus I was desperate to escape the pain I am in and it ends up with me hurting the other person even if that isn't my intention.

They know I am suicidal cus I have told them about it as I find it hard to keep things to myself. I will try to hide it more but I very easily react in intense ways to upsetting stuff. Problem is also they won't even trust me with traveling far outside cus they think I can't be responsible with roads or buses or trains. I have never been able to have the chance to do these things on my own.

you're welcome! <333 I'm sorry about all the troubles you went with school and all the abandonment of others~ :( I can certainly say that I've experienced it too, and I'm sure many others here have as well! :( It sucks and is terrible, and no one deserves to go through such horrible treatment! >_<
hehe~ I hope you're able to see him again some day~ :) ofc, idk about your living situation but perhaps you could ask your parents if they could let him come over and if not, perhaps try to get him in while they're sleeping~ :) ofc, that 2nd idea could really backfire, but I figure it'd be really nice for you to see and hug someone you truly care about irl again even if you still can't leave the house, and it'd make you feel way better too! :D

<3<3<3 My parents would allow him to come over but he is too scared of going against his abusive mum to go and see me and as I can't go outside myself I can't go see him somewhere outside.

 

[L'absent]

I'm sorry you have to go through all this mental and physical pain. Unfortunately, hanging is not pleasant and to get rid of this life you have to feel pain, and you have to feel much more pain to live it. Maybe it goes better for some than others, but it's always a tight rope around the neck. The only way is to have patience and endure because the pain will not be eternal, or to continue living. This life will always make us experience terrible suffering and getting out of it will be terrible. It will be terrible to commit suicide and it will be terrible to await natural death. But, for me, natural death is much worse. Anything can happen while you wait and the end can truly be a horror film. I hope you find the strength to embrace peace, I imagine you will be suffering a pain that cannot be explained in words. Happy eve

 

[EternalShore]

oooo~ You waited until I woke up again to respond! nice attention to detail, nya! :3

I always hated PE cus of the potential to get hurt and that I was never good at it. I often cried during it.

I'm sorry it brought you all the way to crying and could hurt you too~ :( I was never very good for me either~ >_< outside of a few incidents, PE went fine for me~ well, except if you didn't have friends in high school gym, you were absolutely screwed~ >_<

My family will wake me up often for eating food, taking medication at right time and if I need to go to therapy or help with something. I wish I could sleep more as well but my brain sometimes just doesn't want to.

that's frustrating! :/ It's great that they care for you, but it's much better to let you get all you sleep in a row and establish a good sleep schedule in order to stay healthy~ :) It's kinda crazy how good amounts and quality (not getting nearly woken up or woken up constantly) of sleep are helpful for most things! :)

Sadly I often regret stuff I did accidentally. I feel like I need to remember everything bad I have done and hate myself for it so I don't do it again. I also feel like I have done actual terrible things but only did it cus I was desperate to escape the pain I am in and it ends up with me hurting the other person even if that isn't my intention.

They know I am suicidal cus I have told them about it as I find it hard to keep things to myself. I will try to hide it more but I very easily react in intense ways to upsetting stuff. Problem is also they won't even trust me with traveling far outside cus they think I can't be responsible with roads or buses or trains. I have never been able to have the chance to do these things on my own.

I'm sorry that you feel the need to hate yourself for that~ >_< You don't need to hate yourself at all! Just try and understand the context in which you did and realize that you've at least grown in that way since to know it's wrong~ :) as long as you have good intentions for yourself and others, you're automatically better than most people who are only worried about their own selves anyways~ >_< and yeah, hurting so much and being so miserable can really make yourself break sometimes! >_< it has happened to me too where I just lash out at my family a lot~ :/ I wish they could understand my point of view and how lucky they are by comparison, but they just don't... :/

yeahhh, mine know I am too and threaten to ward me every so often~ However, the less you act like you are, the more lax at least mine become~ :) you could try the same thing! :) perhaps one day, they'll think you've gotten over it~ ofc, we know that that's not really true, but at least, then, you'll be better able to enjoy yourself without their constant interference! :) idk why they're like that~ :/ getting hit by a car or something sounds very painful and still has a really good chance not to kill you~ :/

<3<3<3 My parents would allow him to come over but he is too scared of going against his abusive mum to go and see me and as I can't go outside myself I can't go see him somewhere outside.

oh no~ >_< That's terrible! D: geez, it sure sounds both of your families suck in regards to restrictive parents~ :/ I'm sorry you both have to deal with that~ >_< It sounds sooo awful! :((( no wonder it makes you so sewer slidal to have to deal with! >_<

 

[Namelesa]

Great, I don't even have access to partial hanging anymore. I was going to practice partial hanging every night but the place I want to do it is unreliable now as the anchor point I use is the clothes rail in my wardrobe and it broke from me trying this method again last night. I am truly trapped in this suffering with no way for me to ctb. I am forced to keep living with little way to recover. I hate my life so much.