I am currently pretty depressed and suicidal. So much that it distracted me of college which means that the pain level is pretty high. This is no advice to anyone. This is just my personal conclusion. I have talked to many people about my suicidality. Friend, family and therapists. I recently had a love delusion which reminded me of how lonely and desperate I am and how hopeless the situation in this instance is.
I have the urge to talk about suicide. On the other hand I have the feeling it is pretty useless. The situation is: I am chronically suicidal since one decade, more or less every single day. If my life continues like that I am deadset to kill myself in the future. I don't think life is inherently bad, actually I would like to live my life quality though is horrible and will very likely deteriorate a lot in the future. I am in a strategical intricate position. Currently I try to attend college and hope to find love. In fact I am very sure I am not able to work and in love relating issues I tend to become psychotic and fuck it up very quickly. It feels like I am cursed though this is magically thinking in which I don't believe. I rather believe that major unsolvable issues attract new issues they accumulate and some see no other way except suicide. As in my case.
I might get a new psychiatrist soon. I ask myself whether my old psychiatrist was aware of my suicidality. Our last appointment was weird. It felt like she is blaming me and her for something. I told her once or twice almost everything about my suicidality in the past. She forgot most of it pretty quickly and I remain quiet about it since. My theory is maybe she read her old notices to sum up my situation for my new psychiatrist. It is not impossible. I don't really blame her. There were way worse psychiatrist in my life. Though her take on assisted suicide is ridiculous and an insult for chronically suicidal people like me. She is religious. I would be pretty curious why she acted that way did she notice she forgot my suicidality? But there is a way more likely theory. She is annoyed by my whining about my sad love life and considers me a psychotic loser who is to be pitied but she blames herself for thinking that for looking down at me. Actually this theory is way more likely than the suicide theory. I once made an internship in an agency for unemployed people and a staff member (who treated the poor people like shit) said there are some sad little worms who have psychosis and wish to get a gf. Well I was severly depressed and suicidal during that internship and I am pretty sure I cannot work. Examples like that give me the feeling someone or something wants to drive me to commit suicide. People like me are looked down to. And when they insist on their right to die they want them to be punished and locked away. There are many reasons why I played down my suicidality to my psychiatrist we already do everything that is possible and I still want to die. When I admitted serious and longterm suicidal thoughts the atmosphere got hostile. She was overburdened by the situation and stammered to my request for assisted suicide. "That, that....is impossible..." None of her patients ever committed suicide. I need addictive medication and it was way more difficult to negotiate in an hostile atmosphere. In the end it also barely helped me when I admitted suicidality to her.
I have an urge to talk about my suicidality currently but personally for me my closest friends and this forum seem to be the best alternatives. Though I have the feeling I played the game through. The more I have talked about suicide the more frustrated I became. In the early days I debated prolifers on social media. Hell this was nightmarish for my mental health. I will never do this again in my whole fucking life. How ignorant some people can be. The therapists I talked to were pretty overburdened. My 3 closest friends acted the best way. Though one of them said to me talking to him about suicide makes him depressed which is why I remain silent since towards him. The other two simply do not know what to say anymore. My situation is so hopeless and these love delusions repeated like a 1000 times. No job, no love, poverty etc. I am very determined to kill myself if this is my future. In fact 2019 two therapists gave me up because they concluded that I will kill myself in the future due to the horrible life quality. I am still motivated to play this game. Though there are scenarios that will happen one day in which I will ctb as soon as possible. If my mom dies I will have to leave my apartment (financials). She had a stroke and her health is fragile. I am going to order SN the day she dies. I will do it pretty quickly. The welfare checks frightened me. I think it was good to wait for ordering it. I am still checking sellers when I am depressed. In case I have a relapse another breakdown I also want to kill myself as soon as possible. 2018 during my last major relapse I sweared to me to give life another shot. Well life spit me in my face a couple of times for it. I want to have a rational suicide: well I had 3 psychotherapies, tried more than 25 different medication, 2 traineeships, 2 times college, 5? clinic stays and I am fucking in my mid twenties. So this rational enough for me.
It just gives me less and less to vent about suicide. I get the feeling I should act on it and stop to babble about it. (I emphasize: This clearly is no advice to anyone here) The fact is though I tend to overthink and overanalyze my suicide. I want to die (but this feeling is very ambivalent - I will elaborate on it later), I get the feeling I should act on it finally. The thing is I tried to fucking much. I would suggest to anyone that life is worth trying to get better. Though in my case it is simply hopeless and I cannot run away forever. But for strategical reasons I will wait for it until either my mom dies or when I relapse. I try to prepare myself mentally for that. It feels like the sword of damocles is swinging above me. If I ordered SN and they would find it out my mom could get a stroke and maybe I had to take a break of college. My pain currently is not extreme enough in order of being able to beat SI. But I am sure that after a major relapse the pain will be strong enough to go through with it. I will cry, I will cry like a water fall. Though the reality is for me an happy end has an astronomically low likelihood and I have to accept that eventually. I won't let life torture for the next coming like 6 decades or shit like that. (The venting in this forum in this moment helps a little bit though admittedly).
I played the game through concerning talking about suicide. My life problems won't get solved by that. It might help a little bit for the moment. There will always be ambivalence in my communication about suicide. There will always be a part of me that does not want to die. Though I have to face the reality. My life was horrible the last decade, there are many factors by which my life quality will get way worse and I don't want to endure that. I consider to open up in my self-help group about my feelings. But all of them have girlfriends and recently so many people around me talked with their partners at college while I had my love delusions. One person the person I could relate to the most in my self-help group seemingly looks down at me because I never was in a relationship. I feel so ashamed already. I am already planning to kill myself. And then this. But fuck him honestly.
I want to be free like a bird. I want to be freed of this cage which is my existence. One day I will be free. But the way out there will also be pretty painful but better than several decades of torment. One reason why debating suicide with others is useless is that I am deadset on my opinion on suicide. For me personally I see suicide more or less as a last resort and I think that this is a healthy approach but more and more I reach exactly that. Religion made everything worse, therapists and medication could not help me enough there simply is no more realistic hope for me. I don't want to change my opinion on suicide. Many arguments just make me pretty angry which is why I also dodge articles in the media about assisted suicide. Fucking hypocrites. I get so angry reading their takes. I don't want to change my attitude. Either I want that my life quality gets substantially better in the longrun or I kill myself. It is that simple. I am in a waiting room for death. But I am also sure not wanting to rush it. It is not the right moment to kill myself - but the time will come. I often have the thought in mind like maybe this is the last New Year's party that I will ever experience etc. There is melancholia for sure. It comforts me that I am not alone with this fate. And I will kill myself with the same method as other people I liked in this forum.
Writing down my thoughts helped me for the moment. But it is just so fucking hopeless. I hope every single that I get a lethal disease which kills me quickly. I don't want to do it with my own hands (too scared to fuck it up) but if life gives me no other choice I will do it that way. I am just so full of it. And I still have go to college, act like everything was fine and smile. I could throw up. I am so fucking sick of all of that. But one day I will be free. And I will certainly won't wait several decades for that. If one could die solely because of mental anguish (no suicide) I would be already dead since a long time. I can't believe I have to endure all of that. The game is rigged against me so much it is surreal.
Edit: another major reason why I am not transparent towards my psychiatrist about suicide is that I am scared she could prevent it in case the explained scenarios happen. I cannot endure the extreme psychsomaic pain once more. I simply reached my limit. There is no logical argument to endure this one more time. If this happens I simply need to die.
I have the urge to talk about suicide. On the other hand I have the feeling it is pretty useless. The situation is: I am chronically suicidal since one decade, more or less every single day. If my life continues like that I am deadset to kill myself in the future. I don't think life is inherently bad, actually I would like to live my life quality though is horrible and will very likely deteriorate a lot in the future. I am in a strategical intricate position. Currently I try to attend college and hope to find love. In fact I am very sure I am not able to work and in love relating issues I tend to become psychotic and fuck it up very quickly. It feels like I am cursed though this is magically thinking in which I don't believe. I rather believe that major unsolvable issues attract new issues they accumulate and some see no other way except suicide. As in my case.
I might get a new psychiatrist soon. I ask myself whether my old psychiatrist was aware of my suicidality. Our last appointment was weird. It felt like she is blaming me and her for something. I told her once or twice almost everything about my suicidality in the past. She forgot most of it pretty quickly and I remain quiet about it since. My theory is maybe she read her old notices to sum up my situation for my new psychiatrist. It is not impossible. I don't really blame her. There were way worse psychiatrist in my life. Though her take on assisted suicide is ridiculous and an insult for chronically suicidal people like me. She is religious. I would be pretty curious why she acted that way did she notice she forgot my suicidality? But there is a way more likely theory. She is annoyed by my whining about my sad love life and considers me a psychotic loser who is to be pitied but she blames herself for thinking that for looking down at me. Actually this theory is way more likely than the suicide theory. I once made an internship in an agency for unemployed people and a staff member (who treated the poor people like shit) said there are some sad little worms who have psychosis and wish to get a gf. Well I was severly depressed and suicidal during that internship and I am pretty sure I cannot work. Examples like that give me the feeling someone or something wants to drive me to commit suicide. People like me are looked down to. And when they insist on their right to die they want them to be punished and locked away. There are many reasons why I played down my suicidality to my psychiatrist we already do everything that is possible and I still want to die. When I admitted serious and longterm suicidal thoughts the atmosphere got hostile. She was overburdened by the situation and stammered to my request for assisted suicide. "That, that....is impossible..." None of her patients ever committed suicide. I need addictive medication and it was way more difficult to negotiate in an hostile atmosphere. In the end it also barely helped me when I admitted suicidality to her.
I have an urge to talk about my suicidality currently but personally for me my closest friends and this forum seem to be the best alternatives. Though I have the feeling I played the game through. The more I have talked about suicide the more frustrated I became. In the early days I debated prolifers on social media. Hell this was nightmarish for my mental health. I will never do this again in my whole fucking life. How ignorant some people can be. The therapists I talked to were pretty overburdened. My 3 closest friends acted the best way. Though one of them said to me talking to him about suicide makes him depressed which is why I remain silent since towards him. The other two simply do not know what to say anymore. My situation is so hopeless and these love delusions repeated like a 1000 times. No job, no love, poverty etc. I am very determined to kill myself if this is my future. In fact 2019 two therapists gave me up because they concluded that I will kill myself in the future due to the horrible life quality. I am still motivated to play this game. Though there are scenarios that will happen one day in which I will ctb as soon as possible. If my mom dies I will have to leave my apartment (financials). She had a stroke and her health is fragile. I am going to order SN the day she dies. I will do it pretty quickly. The welfare checks frightened me. I think it was good to wait for ordering it. I am still checking sellers when I am depressed. In case I have a relapse another breakdown I also want to kill myself as soon as possible. 2018 during my last major relapse I sweared to me to give life another shot. Well life spit me in my face a couple of times for it. I want to have a rational suicide: well I had 3 psychotherapies, tried more than 25 different medication, 2 traineeships, 2 times college, 5? clinic stays and I am fucking in my mid twenties. So this rational enough for me.
It just gives me less and less to vent about suicide. I get the feeling I should act on it and stop to babble about it. (I emphasize: This clearly is no advice to anyone here) The fact is though I tend to overthink and overanalyze my suicide. I want to die (but this feeling is very ambivalent - I will elaborate on it later), I get the feeling I should act on it finally. The thing is I tried to fucking much. I would suggest to anyone that life is worth trying to get better. Though in my case it is simply hopeless and I cannot run away forever. But for strategical reasons I will wait for it until either my mom dies or when I relapse. I try to prepare myself mentally for that. It feels like the sword of damocles is swinging above me. If I ordered SN and they would find it out my mom could get a stroke and maybe I had to take a break of college. My pain currently is not extreme enough in order of being able to beat SI. But I am sure that after a major relapse the pain will be strong enough to go through with it. I will cry, I will cry like a water fall. Though the reality is for me an happy end has an astronomically low likelihood and I have to accept that eventually. I won't let life torture for the next coming like 6 decades or shit like that. (The venting in this forum in this moment helps a little bit though admittedly).
I played the game through concerning talking about suicide. My life problems won't get solved by that. It might help a little bit for the moment. There will always be ambivalence in my communication about suicide. There will always be a part of me that does not want to die. Though I have to face the reality. My life was horrible the last decade, there are many factors by which my life quality will get way worse and I don't want to endure that. I consider to open up in my self-help group about my feelings. But all of them have girlfriends and recently so many people around me talked with their partners at college while I had my love delusions. One person the person I could relate to the most in my self-help group seemingly looks down at me because I never was in a relationship. I feel so ashamed already. I am already planning to kill myself. And then this. But fuck him honestly.
I want to be free like a bird. I want to be freed of this cage which is my existence. One day I will be free. But the way out there will also be pretty painful but better than several decades of torment. One reason why debating suicide with others is useless is that I am deadset on my opinion on suicide. For me personally I see suicide more or less as a last resort and I think that this is a healthy approach but more and more I reach exactly that. Religion made everything worse, therapists and medication could not help me enough there simply is no more realistic hope for me. I don't want to change my opinion on suicide. Many arguments just make me pretty angry which is why I also dodge articles in the media about assisted suicide. Fucking hypocrites. I get so angry reading their takes. I don't want to change my attitude. Either I want that my life quality gets substantially better in the longrun or I kill myself. It is that simple. I am in a waiting room for death. But I am also sure not wanting to rush it. It is not the right moment to kill myself - but the time will come. I often have the thought in mind like maybe this is the last New Year's party that I will ever experience etc. There is melancholia for sure. It comforts me that I am not alone with this fate. And I will kill myself with the same method as other people I liked in this forum.
Writing down my thoughts helped me for the moment. But it is just so fucking hopeless. I hope every single that I get a lethal disease which kills me quickly. I don't want to do it with my own hands (too scared to fuck it up) but if life gives me no other choice I will do it that way. I am just so full of it. And I still have go to college, act like everything was fine and smile. I could throw up. I am so fucking sick of all of that. But one day I will be free. And I will certainly won't wait several decades for that. If one could die solely because of mental anguish (no suicide) I would be already dead since a long time. I can't believe I have to endure all of that. The game is rigged against me so much it is surreal.
Edit: another major reason why I am not transparent towards my psychiatrist about suicide is that I am scared she could prevent it in case the explained scenarios happen. I cannot endure the extreme psychsomaic pain once more. I simply reached my limit. There is no logical argument to endure this one more time. If this happens I simply need to die.
Last edited:
