Venting I am sickened with myself

[endless-void]

Sometimes I wish there was someone I could talk to. I know I'm not the only one who has had terrible, immoral thoughts but it eats me up inside and I feel the need to tell someone. I feel so guilty. I've fantasized about hurting my boyfriend who I love dearly. Not just as intrusive thoughts, I mean consciously thought about hurting him and taking pleasure of it. And I feel so bad about it. I am so disgusted with myself for thinking like that and I would never hurt him but it feels like there's some kind of disease like a worm in my head eating my brain and making me think that kind of things. Lately that's the only way I've felt...good. It's all about violence and I don't get why. I am not violent. I hate fights and argues. I don't get why do I think about hurting him in the first place and even less why I feel good about it. I am so sick. I don't deserve him.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

You're not sick, you're hurting.

Before I dealt with shit, I had some really vile thoughts and fantasies for many, many, many years, and thought I'd act on it, I had a real hatred for men, because all they have ever done is hurt me in disgusting, vile, sexual ways. Needless to say, it's not there anymore. I used to absolutely love gore as well - would get off on it. Not anymore.

The most important part is you haven't acted on it or told him.

We are all entitled to have private thoughts, and perhaps it's time for you to deal with what's causing it? That's the only way to heal

You're not alone. I guarantee a high percentage of us on here have felt this way at some point, don't be so hard on yourself.

The real sick ones are the ones that act on it, and claim they couldn't help it (when we all can - we make a choice).

You can get better, take it from me. X