nir
27/F/Canada
- Aug 18, 2024
- 308
I can't even attain being average. I'm such a fuck-up. I have such an avoidant personality, it's fucking crazy.
Recently a friend of a friend has been messaging me online. Nothing crazy. Small talk. I literally cannot reply without it feeling like I'm pulling out my own teeth. I have had to reward myself like I'm a dog just for doing the bare minimum. Literally I will tell myself "oh, you can buy yourself x if you just...reply to them". Imagine someone asking you what your favourite music is, and you have to buy yourself something as a bribe to make yourself feel able to muster up the energy to reply? It's fucking insane. I have been avoiding replying for over a DAY now because...no idea why. It's like I have a brain block. I don't get it. I can't be accountable for anything.
I do this with everything. I can't keep up with basic chores unless I have some kind of reward. I have to bargain with myself constantly. Brush your teeth and you can have x. Take a shower and then you can x. It's fucking crazy. And if it's not rewards, it's punishments. If you don't take out the recycling, you'll have to x. If you don't message back, you'll force yourself to x. Why can't my brain just fucking do stuff? Why am I not in control?
I struggle to hold conversations. I am so fucking awkward. I even avoided this site for awhile because of the social aspect of it. Isn't that fucked?
I don't know how to fix myself. I'm avoidant, lazy, prone to taking the easy way out, and willing to live with horrible consequences instead of just doing a simple task. Have you ever tried to walk a dog, but it just stays still and refuses to budge? No matter how hard you pull on the leash, it won't move forward? That is my brain. How the fuck do I deal with that? How do I even fix this?
Fuck. I can't even be human right. I can't do anything for the sake of doing. Something is deeply wrong with me, but I don't even know what to call it.
Recently a friend of a friend has been messaging me online. Nothing crazy. Small talk. I literally cannot reply without it feeling like I'm pulling out my own teeth. I have had to reward myself like I'm a dog just for doing the bare minimum. Literally I will tell myself "oh, you can buy yourself x if you just...reply to them". Imagine someone asking you what your favourite music is, and you have to buy yourself something as a bribe to make yourself feel able to muster up the energy to reply? It's fucking insane. I have been avoiding replying for over a DAY now because...no idea why. It's like I have a brain block. I don't get it. I can't be accountable for anything.
I do this with everything. I can't keep up with basic chores unless I have some kind of reward. I have to bargain with myself constantly. Brush your teeth and you can have x. Take a shower and then you can x. It's fucking crazy. And if it's not rewards, it's punishments. If you don't take out the recycling, you'll have to x. If you don't message back, you'll force yourself to x. Why can't my brain just fucking do stuff? Why am I not in control?
I struggle to hold conversations. I am so fucking awkward. I even avoided this site for awhile because of the social aspect of it. Isn't that fucked?
I don't know how to fix myself. I'm avoidant, lazy, prone to taking the easy way out, and willing to live with horrible consequences instead of just doing a simple task. Have you ever tried to walk a dog, but it just stays still and refuses to budge? No matter how hard you pull on the leash, it won't move forward? That is my brain. How the fuck do I deal with that? How do I even fix this?
Fuck. I can't even be human right. I can't do anything for the sake of doing. Something is deeply wrong with me, but I don't even know what to call it.
