Context I'm 19, female. 1st year undergraduate student living in hostel with roomate(random girl). Relatively nice parents who would help me no questions asked if I told them I want to die but will taunt and in turn badly affect my mental health if I just asked them for help. Also have a loving long-distant boyfriend we fight yeah but at the end of the day ik he'd love me no matter what.
For my situation, it's not worth discussing because I just couldn't care less about it. It's not like I didn't try to fix everything, I did but it didn't work out and I keep digging myself in a bigger and bigger hole. I'm just not trying to go along with life. Example- I have classes but I just don't attend them and soon I'll get short attendance and I would be told to repeat the year which would make my parents mad at me and then me blaming myself which would turn into self harm or suicide. I mean I can make everything right go to classes and get life back on track but I just don't want to. I just want life to get worse and worse to the point I can't fix things so I'd go hopeless and my only option would be to die and I wouldn't try to talk myself out of it cuz rn I am. The reason why I don't want to get life back on track is... I am just emotionally and mentally exhausted and can't face being hurt or hurting others again. Yet at the same time I can't force myself to die either. I tried to injure myself by jumping from 2 story building like ofc 2 story is not enough to kill me but because I'd be hurt that in turn would make parents realise that oh she might actually kill herself and we can have a failure as daughter than no daughter and all and they'd help me and from there I can again start to live one day a time but yeah the plan failed cuz my roomate found my note and found me on the balcony she and her frnd took me inside and idk it's a blur after that. I feel like hurting myself or showing that I might die is the only way to get out alive in the situation I am in, normally talking is not enough parents are going to say stuff that I don't wanna hear from them again and maybe won't even be able to survive those words this time around but they won't say the same thing if they think I am suicidal cuz yeah they care that much about me and might send me to therapy too. My boyfriend is very helpful he doesn't want me to die and tries to tell me that everything is gonna be alright if not now then in future. He is suicidal too, honestly more than me but still he stays alive for me because I told him I don't want him to die. I love him but I am being selfish when I say that I wouldn't wanna do the same for him.
But honestly though I wanna kill myself I can't even bring myself to do that. I am just want to die in an instant and don't wanna feel pain but I feel like I might suffer through everything and atlast couldn't even die cuz my roomate found me or the method just failed. I just wanna get peace with dying and not have to go through life anymore. I honestly told about my plan to my boyfriend and ofc he doesn't want me to die but somehow I was hoping he'd understand me and tell me it's ok to give up now, you tried your best it's fine if you are done with life. Now he would also keep a close eye on me. Ig I am stupid for thinking that but a girl can dream.
My options to kill myself are either by hight or hanging. Can try CO poisioning but arranging and executing that is quite difficult in my situation. Can try to poison myself by rat poison but it is not reliable. Cutting vein needs too much strength and precision and not capable of that. Ig SN is a thing but not really sure where to get that around me nor how to use it. If anyone has any better suggestion pls tell me. Originally want to die before 21 but I can wait till end of the year to arrange stuff or give life a one last try (actually just don't wanna)
Update- wrote this yesterday and today some stuff happened and now my bf is trying to talk me out of dying by trying to kill himself before me(he's pro in that lol). I just don't want to die after him like what if I fail and then parents also get alerted and I don't have his side with me like sounds horrible idk what to do.
For my situation, it's not worth discussing because I just couldn't care less about it. It's not like I didn't try to fix everything, I did but it didn't work out and I keep digging myself in a bigger and bigger hole. I'm just not trying to go along with life. Example- I have classes but I just don't attend them and soon I'll get short attendance and I would be told to repeat the year which would make my parents mad at me and then me blaming myself which would turn into self harm or suicide. I mean I can make everything right go to classes and get life back on track but I just don't want to. I just want life to get worse and worse to the point I can't fix things so I'd go hopeless and my only option would be to die and I wouldn't try to talk myself out of it cuz rn I am. The reason why I don't want to get life back on track is... I am just emotionally and mentally exhausted and can't face being hurt or hurting others again. Yet at the same time I can't force myself to die either. I tried to injure myself by jumping from 2 story building like ofc 2 story is not enough to kill me but because I'd be hurt that in turn would make parents realise that oh she might actually kill herself and we can have a failure as daughter than no daughter and all and they'd help me and from there I can again start to live one day a time but yeah the plan failed cuz my roomate found my note and found me on the balcony she and her frnd took me inside and idk it's a blur after that. I feel like hurting myself or showing that I might die is the only way to get out alive in the situation I am in, normally talking is not enough parents are going to say stuff that I don't wanna hear from them again and maybe won't even be able to survive those words this time around but they won't say the same thing if they think I am suicidal cuz yeah they care that much about me and might send me to therapy too. My boyfriend is very helpful he doesn't want me to die and tries to tell me that everything is gonna be alright if not now then in future. He is suicidal too, honestly more than me but still he stays alive for me because I told him I don't want him to die. I love him but I am being selfish when I say that I wouldn't wanna do the same for him.
But honestly though I wanna kill myself I can't even bring myself to do that. I am just want to die in an instant and don't wanna feel pain but I feel like I might suffer through everything and atlast couldn't even die cuz my roomate found me or the method just failed. I just wanna get peace with dying and not have to go through life anymore. I honestly told about my plan to my boyfriend and ofc he doesn't want me to die but somehow I was hoping he'd understand me and tell me it's ok to give up now, you tried your best it's fine if you are done with life. Now he would also keep a close eye on me. Ig I am stupid for thinking that but a girl can dream.
My options to kill myself are either by hight or hanging. Can try CO poisioning but arranging and executing that is quite difficult in my situation. Can try to poison myself by rat poison but it is not reliable. Cutting vein needs too much strength and precision and not capable of that. Ig SN is a thing but not really sure where to get that around me nor how to use it. If anyone has any better suggestion pls tell me. Originally want to die before 21 but I can wait till end of the year to arrange stuff or give life a one last try (actually just don't wanna)
Update- wrote this yesterday and today some stuff happened and now my bf is trying to talk me out of dying by trying to kill himself before me(he's pro in that lol). I just don't want to die after him like what if I fail and then parents also get alerted and I don't have his side with me like sounds horrible idk what to do.
