Venting I am so tired of masking my depression at home.

[fungus]

I feel like I can never let my guard down. My parents are always at home and constantly around me. Even if I am in my room with the door closed, I cannot expect them not to just barge in at some point. And if I don't look happy, they immediately want to know what's wrong. I have anxiety, I'm depressed, and I'm introverted. I just want to be alone at home in peace and not have to go out. I want my home to be a safe space where I can act how I truly feel, but instead it's a nightmare for me, and I keep thinking more and more about killing myself. And even that is something I cannot tell anyone outside of this forum.

I've thought about telling my therapist, and I wouldn't even mind being admitted to a psych ward. They are shitty, but at least there I could act how I feel and not just run on autopilot, constantly trying not to break down. But the thought of my parents visiting me there makes me prefer dying over considering it. They love me, I get that, but their love feels like poison and I have tried so much over the last years in the hope they would change.

I know my parents are the problem. I know it, but I can't confront them. They try to be good parents, and that's the worst thing in my life because they just keep doing things wrong again and again. They hurt me emotionally, make my life harder, and think they're doing everything great and right, while completely ignoring me when I tell them what I actually want or what my problems are. Especially if my problem is something they do. They always promise I can talk to them if I have an issue with them, but nothing ever changes. It makes me so furious sometimes.

I feel trapped at home. I can't even have a bad day without them expecting me to explain what's wrong. Only for them to completely dismiss me if I open up a little bit. When I tell them what really bothers me, whether it's about home, school, or them, they either take it as a joke or act like I'm just lazy and making things up. It feels like I would need to have a complete breakdown before they admit I even have a problem. But even then, they would still miss the point and only make things worse. They give help where I don't want it and ignore the places where I actually need them to see me.

They constantly fight with each other. They never communicate like adults. I just want a normal, stable family, or for them to just fuck off and leave me alone. I don't want them around me, thinking they need to know how I feel or trying to "be there" for me. I'm not even sure if I love or hate them. I feel like I want to implode, but I can't, and there's nobody who will truly be there for me. Not even my therapist. 50min per weak are a joke in my opinion and I will never talk that open to her.

I'm not at the point where I can say with 100% certainty that I would go through with killing myself if I attempted it. But I also know I cannot afford a second failed attempt. If I try again, it has to work, otherwise things will only become worse.

 

[R. A.]

...can you leave?

 

[fungus]

...can you leave?

Not really. I am old enough, but I still don't want to hurt them. I feel responsible in some way for their mental wellbeing. Even though I often hate them, I also still don't have the financial possibility to leave. I am just finishing school, and until that is done, there's no way I can get out without huge drama. Any kind of confrontation or emotional situation is so exhausting and complicated, and it only leads to more problems. I know I should probably leave because staying only makes my depression worse, but the emotional guilt and the consequences are things I'm not really able to deal with.They would not understand why I made this decision. It feels kind of selfish. Suicide, which at the moment seems like the only realistic outcome, would hurt them too. But at least then I wouldn't have to live with the consequences. I've gone through so much just to avoid hurting them, but there comes a point where I can't anymore, and I also don't want to. I'm tired of trying to fix my parents, my life and forcing myself through even more things I don't have the energy for. Everyone is trying to get me out of my comfortzone so I 'get better' but it is just slowly killing me mentaly.

 

[R. A.]

Not really. I am old enough, but I still don't want to hurt them. I feel responsible in some way for their mental wellbeing. Even though I often hate them, I also still don't have the financial possibility to leave. I am just finishing school, and until that is done, there's no way I can get out without huge drama. Any kind of confrontation or emotional situation is so exhausting and complicated, and it only leads to more problems. I know I should probably leave because staying only makes my depression worse, but the emotional guilt and the consequences are things I'm not really able to deal with.They would not understand why I made this decision. It feels kind of selfish. Suicide, which at the moment seems like the only realistic outcome, would hurt them too. But at least then I wouldn't have to live with the consequences. I've gone through so much just to avoid hurting them, but there comes a point where I can't anymore, and I also don't want to. I'm tired of trying to fix my parents, my life and forcing myself through even more things I don't have the energy for. Everyone is trying to get me out of my comfortzone so I 'get better' but it is just slowly killing me mentaly.

right now it sounds like you can't leave - due to money. after that; if you want to due anyway, why not try getting the fuck out? maybe once you're gone, you'd realize it's not as bad as you thought it would be and can live, actually live

 

[claviceps.purpurea]

Reading your words seems like watching a mirror of my past. I'm now here for very different reasons, but when I lived with my family I struggled with the same dis-functional patterns you're talking about.

I know how it feels not having even a place to take a breathe and to be yourself without constantly pretending and reflecting on how you have to act with them and consequently with the others too. No matter what you do, either talking or withdrawing into yourself, they will never understand u. And the worst thing is that all the efforts you had to make to talk/understand/help them are totally useless and a waste of time and energy that emptied u and made you more closed and alone than ever. It's hard because you don't seem to really hate your family as I also don't, but that's even worse because you can feel guilty of detesting and loving them at the same time and probably not understating what's going on with all this shit in and out of yourself...

I'm so sorry for your situation and I just want to say that if you need to vent, share or anything else my DM is always open to talk.
Hope you can find the support you need and deserve here.

 

[fungus]

right now it sounds like you can't leave - due to money. after that; if you want to due anyway, why not try getting the fuck out? maybe once you're gone, you'd realize it's not as bad as you thought it would be and can live, actually live

Yeah, your words make complete sense. And I really wish it would actually work like that.

The reason I want to die, at least in my case, is mental pain. Waking up in the morning, feeling like shit, and then having to figure out how to get through the day, while being told to do better, to try harder, and to fix myself, just makes everything around me feel like it's working against me. If a single day already feels unbearable, then a week feels like torture, and a month feels like hell.

So I guess the problem is the waiting. As a kid and teenager, I always set my 18th birthday as my goal to at least try to make it there. I thought being an adult would make things easier, that I'd finally have the freedom I needed to feel better. I thought I'd only have to wait one more year to finish school, and then I could move out without issues as long as I got into university.

Now I'm 18 and almost there, but it's the same. The same feelings, the same struggles, the same problems, just with more expectations and more work.

The difference is that shortly before my 18th birthday, I stumbled so hard and even attempted suicide. Since then, I've been struggling to keep everything together in my life. But around me, nothing really changed.
Things couls get better if I push through. They could also get worse. Right now, I don't even know how to make it through the next week without crying myself to sleep.

There are days when I think it's going okay. On those days I tell myself, If it stays like this, I can keep going. But then people come along saying: Oh, by the way, you need to do this, and on that day there's this event, and you need to work on yourself because you're not good enough in our eyes right now, so also do this and this.

I suck at life. I wasn't even good at it on easy mode. And there's not much of a reward..it isn't fun.

I'm just really frustrated and tired at this point. I guess that's why I'm venting. I'm not dumb. I see the possible way out. I just don't have the mental strength right now to actually get there.

Reading your words seems like watching a mirror of my past. I'm now here for very different reasons, but when I lived with my family I struggled with the same dis-functional patterns you're talking about.

I know how it feels not having even a place to take a breathe and to be yourself without constantly pretending and reflecting on how you have to act with them and consequently with the others too. No matter what you do, either talking or withdrawing into yourself, they will never understand u. And the worst thing is that all the efforts you had to make to talk/understand/help them are totally useless and a waste of time and energy that emptied u and made you more closed and alone than ever. It's hard because you don't seem to really hate your family as I also don't, but that's even worse because you can feel guilty of detesting and loving them at the same time and probably not understating what's going on with all this shit in and out of yourself...

I'm so sorry for your situation and I just want to say that if you need to vent, share or anything else my DM is always open to talk.
Hope you can find the support you need and deserve here.

I am really sorry you are struggling yourself at the moment, but it is still comforting to see that other people go through or have been through similar experiences.
I think one of the hardest parts of growing up in a family that just doesn't work is realizing that this is not "normal" or at least shouldn't be. As a kid I always thought I was ungrateful because my parents tried so hard. They never got violent or anything like that. What else could it be than a perfect, happy family? Except… it never actually felt like a happy and good family.

Even now, I still struggle not to think: But they tried! So I must be the problem. How could I not have just fixed myself as a child? I should have just been a better kid. How dare I not see them as loving and trustworthy people? If only I hadn't been so complicated and dysfunctional, then this family would have been perfect.

But I am glad I found this place. Honestly, I don't know how I would get through some days without having a space to vent. And I am really grateful for your kind words.