I am very close to ending my life. Ask me anything!

[death's_door]

I want you to ask me anything except questions that could potentially lead to my real identity.

I am about to CTB within the coming weeks and so I want to tell my life story a bit, but, with a twist... you ask me the questions you want to, anything except things that would identify where I live or who I am.

Everything else is on the table, so to speak.

Let the games begin!

 

[TheBroken]

When did you realize living wasn't for you? Would having a lover versus just taking care of your needs alone stop you from CTB?

 

[nattys5thtoenail]

What do you think death is like? Is there an afterlife?

 

[death's_door]

I had planned to CTB when I turned 35. I was in my 20s when I made this plan. I am now older than 35.

My one goal was to see the world before it all ended and I have accomplished this. I've visited the countries on my bucket list. I have eaten every food possible. Listened to all of the greats, including music form classical composers to every genre of EDM and beyond. I've been rich, I've been poor, I've seen and experienced the suffering in the world and there's not a god damn thing that can be done about it.

The most traumatic thing for me was Nepal when I woke up one morning and looked down from the balcony, there were two little boys sleeping on a piece of cardboard. I tried to go down and give them some money but they were gone and so I gave it to a homeless lady instead.

The Messed up thing is that most people are struggling, nowadays, well, at least in my country, and they're living paycheque to paycheque, including my mother whom graciously lets me stay with her and I am a burden. I truly am a millstone around her neck, even though she loves me and appreciates what I do for her, I just fuck shit up and can't get it right. A true definition of madness = my life.

I am just salivating, while thinking about the day when I will leave this earth and when I will know what true peace really is.

I can't sleep at night, I have terrible nightmares and night terrors, sleep paralysis, etcetera. I am also shit at taking care of my health and mental health and they have both turned their backs on me if this was a Pixar movie based on emotions.

Metaphorically speaking, everything's up in smoke and I am just sitting here, surrounded by the flames that creep closer and closer.

It excites me as they are the all consuming, cleansing element that will make the phrase "ashes to ashes, and dust to dust" come to life.

 

[cinnamonstix]

What made you finally decide this is the time you wish to ctb?

 

[death's_door]

What do you think death is like? Is there an afterlife?

I have given this a lot of thought and I truly believe nothing is a coincidence.

I've had moments in my life where I am either A) convinced there is a God or creator or B) convinced that we are living in a simulation and thus there is a creator.

Example one.

I was walking home with friends late one night and I was stopped by a gang of teens that pulled up in a car, and one of them pulled out a knife on me, he lunged at me and tried to stab me because he thought I was a guy that did something to their car... and I was pulled back according to my friends, as if by an invisible force. I didn't jump back as I would have remembered that. I then kicked rocks as fast as possible and sprinted away and hid in bushes while they drove through the neighbourhood looking for me.

Example two.

I am a Lavayen Satanist and have done ritual magic with curses that came true. I've cursed people and then they died or something horrible happened to them (according to my curse and the wish of the person requesting the curse as well).

I have also blessed people and good things have happened to them as well, but, admittedly, not as common for me as curses.

Disclaimer: I was in my early 20s when I was going around cursing people, and don't really do it anymore. Maybe my belief has faded or I don't have any confidence or self-esteem left.

Reminds me of that Southpark episode where they are fighting each other with their psychic powers. Na na na na na na na bzzz nanananana.

So, I understand why people would be highly skeptical of that and I encourage your skepticism as it can't be repeated in a lab setting. But, consider this. Sometimes, my volume button will turn on and off my indoor fan that also has a remote control. It happens completely randomly and doesn't matter what distance away from my fan the remote is. It just happens randomly and there is no formula to replicate this occurrence.

My curses and blessings came true consistently.

Oh, and one night I woke up to something trying to drag me from my bed by my leg. Some invisible hand grabbed my leg. And I could feel it digging into my flesh and pulling me out of bed. It puled me halfway out of bed and I woke up in the middle of it pulling me out of bed. Reminiscent of Paranormal Activity. I sleep deep as sin when I take the right cocktail of medications. And that particular night, I had taken the right cocktail.

Example three:

I was somewhere because of my poor health, recovering from an injury and I was there with some other people who I ate dinner with sometimes. One night we (3 of us) all had the same shared dream, where we each played an equally important part in it, like we were 3 characters in the same story (or dream in this case). I won't go into detail what the dream entailed, but, I will say it was fucking crazy.

So, yes, I believe in an afterlife, but, not as a Christian, or Muslim believes in it. I'm a bit more cautious and think that those faiths are really harmful despite the important wisdom they can offer.

For me, the universe is God and everything alive is God experiencing itself and when we die we return to the cluster and are at peace.

 

[painfullypoetic]

I want you to ask me anything except questions that could potentially lead to my real identity.

I am about to CTB within the coming weeks and so I want to tell my life story a bit, but, with a twist... you ask me the questions you want to, anything except things that would identify where I live or who I am.

Everything else is on the table, so to speak.

Let the games begin!

I am sorry that this is a part of the human experience to feel this way, I feel it too. I am brand new to this site, this is my first response. I'd like to hear any answers you feel comfortable sharing. I have more but I'll start with a handful:

When was the moment you made your decision?
What memory are you the most fond of?
If you were a color, what color would you be?
What were your favorite and least favorite subjects in school?
Do you have any arrangements for after?
Do you have a specific song that resonates with you the most?

When did you realize living wasn't for you? Would having a lover versus just taking care of your needs alone stop you from CTB?

I know you weren't asking me, but I ask myself your second question a lot. I guess I haven't had anyone to do that, so I don't know if I'll get the answer. The lover girl in me thinks that love could be enough, but the love starved me is losing hope that such thing exists for me. Have you figured your answer out?

 

[death's_door]

What made you finally decide this is the time you wish to ctb?

I've run too many miles and have too many miles on my life.

I am tired and at the end of my rope, literally and figuratively.

I think the human condition is an honest nightmare and that existence is cruel and uncaring. It's kill or be killed in the real world and humans are just making things worse, including myself.

I am a dog and I will either fight or be killed off by another dog. I wouldn't consider myself a sheep but maybe some of you might because I support Trump (not all of his policies but some of his ideas are good). It's also another reason why I want to CTB, because we're heading to WW3 and as much as I love some of his ideas, he's going to stir the pot and make things worse.

But Kamala was appalling regarding her policies and ideas and how she answered questions was like watching a mentally handicapped person trying to play at being president. No offence to the mentally handicapped as I am myself mentally handicapped... Anyways, I hope this answers your question.

I am sorry that this is a part of the human experience to feel this way, I feel it too. I am brand new to this site, this is my first response. I'd like to hear any answers you feel comfortable sharing. I have more but I'll start with a handful:

When was the moment you made your decision?
What memory are you the most fond of?
If you were a color, what color would you be?
What were your favorite and least favorite subjects in school?
Do you have any arrangements for after?
Do you have a specific song that resonates with you the most?

I know you weren't asking me, but I ask myself your second question a lot. I guess I haven't had anyone to do that, so I don't know if I'll get the answer. The lover girl in me thinks that love could be enough, but the love starved me is losing hope that such thing exists for me. Have you figured your answer out?

Thank you very much for the list of questions! I love typing so this works well.

1) When was the moment you made your decision?

I was in my early 20s when I decided to die by the time I reached 35. I made a pact with myself. Now, I'm over 35 and it's been chaotic and messy and life just isn't as zesty as it once was. Hey! I rhymed!

2) What memory are you the most fond of?

I have three cherished memories...

The first is when I was at a bird aviary in Asia and I saw this bird that was on my bird list or whatever. It was an honour to see it and it just stood there, on its branch, watching me while I snapped photos. He was majestic to say the least.

My second one was how whenever I cook for my mom, it mostly turns out yummy and she really appreciates it. Also, my dad teaching me to drive.

3) If you were a colour, what colour would you be?

Ohhh, good question, can I be red and black? Colourful and passionate but hopeless and void of light? Or yellow as it is my favourite color and the color of the sun on most days.

4) What were your favorite and least favorite subjects in school?

I loved history and hated math. Although, if someone just explained the math in a way I could understand, maybe in an allegory or something, then I would have faired much better in math.

5) Do you have any arrangements for after?

Yes, I have about 20K in savings that I am going to give to my mother and I wish to be cremated where my ashes will be spread at a duck pond in a cemetery. Sneaky, eh? Kind of like being buried but not... It's a pseudo funeral. I think I rhymed again. Bless me!

6) Do you have a specific song that resonates with you the most?

This question made me cry and I know why... Music has been so important in my life. I have two songs that are my favourite that I would like to share with you.

The first one is titled Born Slippy by Underworld and it was so hard of me to mix when I was learning to DJ so many years ago. Its arrangement signature is off compared to other EDM of the time. This was when I was mixing with a crossfader instead of the EQ faders. Anyways, this song's lyrics are pure bliss and poetry in one. And the man in the music video is me, sitting there listening to music, or at least I wish I was that cool.



Lyrics:

Drive boy, dive boy
Dirty numb angel boy
In the doorway boy
She was a lipstick boy
She was a beautiful boy
And tears boy
And all in your inner space boy
You had
Hand girls boy
And steel boy
You had chemicals boy
I've grown so close to you
Boy and you just groan boy
She said come over, come over
She smiled at you boy
Drive boy, dive boy
Dirty numb angel boy
In the doorway boy
She was a lipstick boy
She was a beautiful boy
And tears boy
And all in your inner space boy
You had
Hand girls boy
And steel boy
You had chemicals boy
I've grown so close to you
Boy and you just groan boy
She said come over, come over
She smiled at you boy
Let your feelings slip boy
But never your mask boy
Random blonde bio high density random
Blonde boy blonde country blonde high density
You are my drug boy
You're real boy
Speak to me and boy dog
Dirty numb cracking boy
You getting wet boy
Big, big time boy
Acid bear boy
Babes and babes and babes and babes and babes
And remembering nothing boy
You like my tear hole boy
It gets wet like an angel
Derailed
(You got a velvet mouth
You're so succulent and beautiful
Shimmering and dirty
Wonderful and hot times
On your telephone line
And God and everything
On your telephone
And in walks an angel)
And look at me mum
Squatting pissed in a tube hole at Tottenham Court Road
I just come out of The Ship
Talking to the most
Blonde I ever met
Shouting
Lager, lager, lager, lager
Shouting
Lager lager, lager lager
Shouting
Lager, lager, lager, lager
Shouting
Lager, lager, lager
Shouting
Mega, mega white thing
Mega, mega white thing
Mega, mega white thing
Mega, mega
Shouting lager, lager, lager, lager
Mega, mega white thing
Mega, mega white thing
So many things to see and do
In the tube hole true
Blonde going back to Romford
Mega, mega, mega going back to Romford
How am I at having fun?
I know why you're on your way
To a new tension
Headache

The second is Paradise by Coldplay... Again, the lyrics resonate with me because I feel like I am that elephant trying to get to paradise but I am more like the elephant in the room if you catch my drift...



7) Could love save you?

I am a skeptic when it comes to love due to being in an abusive relationship for 9 years. I was victimized by my ex and so it left a very bad taste in my mouth. I have been single since 2017. So, it's been a while. Am I jaded, sure, but maybe someone could shape this heart of stone into something beautiful a la statue of David or something similar. I don't know but I am willing to try if I ever found the right person.