Venting I barely had a childhood, yet I somehow am expected to live as an adult.

[EntomologicalCat]

I suffer with ADHD, MDD, sensory issues, chronic migraines, and likely autism. I was held back a grade during Covid. I have always been messy and unmotivated, and I've been called lazy by my parents too many times to count. My symptoms were so obvious, yet my parents treated them as if they were moral failures on my part.

I hardly got to be a kid. I rotted in bed, struggled with school work, just watched youtube and anime as an escape. I drew a lot, but slowly lost momentum as my tiredness and pain grew. I never played any sports, hardly went on any fun vacations or trips, I was extremely (mentally) sick and left untreated, unaccommodated for years. It is all my parent's fault, and partially the fault of the other adults around me who could see me suffering yet said nothing.

I was expected to just get better on my own with the PoWeR oF jEsUs!! But I obviously couldn't. I wanted so badly to live, to be normal, to be a kid, but I waited and waited…. and then unceremoniously, I turned 18. Nothing changed.

Well, a little changed. I was finally able to get extremely basic accommodation for my ADHD— Adderall— after jumping through so many hoops. Nearing the end of my senior year, I received a medication that I should've had access to years ago. This was about a month ago.

The adderall helped me a little. The side effects sucked, sure, but I felt a little more normal. When they upped the dose, I felt *A LOT* more normal. That was nice. I also took shrooms a few times, and those made me feel wonderful, but… the aftermath is brutal.

the Adderall and shrooms are a little helpful while they are working, but afterwards what do I even feel? Pain. The migraines and the sensory issues are multiplied a hundred times in the evening when I'm experiencing an Adderall crash, after the shrooms wear off, and sometimes while they are working. The hunger dehydration from neglecting my needs, the bedridden body that I am stuck in, the foggy, hurting brain I know all to well, the lack of motivation to do anything, and all of the other feelings that I almost convinced myself I could escape. Will I always live like this?

As I graduate, after a painstaking 5 years of high school, I am expected to go off to college. "You're an adult. Act like one.", my mom tells me. "You don't get to be babied anymore, grow up.", my dad tells me. I've thought to myself, "College could be nice, perhaps. I can leave my house and make friends. I can get resources and accommodations that I don't have access to here! This could be the change I need in order to fix myself!", but will it?

my life has been one big domino affect. My mental illness and disabilities were ignored, I struggled in school as a result, I was ridiculed for laziness by family and teachers which made me suicidal, sometimes I'd attempt and fail, and then I'd have a brief period of relief from my depression which would post-pone my suicide. This cycle has repeated all of my life, the relief period getting shorter and the suicidal thoughts getting more and more convincing.

Now as I approach 19 years old, despite the fact that now I am getting more help than ever before, I am the worst I've ever been and am only getting worse. I know this is because I have been neglected all of my life, and now that my parents are practically forcing my hand— making me move out of my childhood room, pressuring me into college and a job, expecting so much from me after tormenting my psyche for years— I am almost at the point of no return.

How can I be an adult when I have never had the opportunity to grow up into one?

If nothing changes, if nothing gets resolved, I will certainly die. I have been forced to fight for so many years, and I always thought that there would be a time where I would not have to fight— where someone would stick up for me and help me.

Realizing that I will never catch a break, that I will have to rely on medicine in order to somewhat function, that I will always be forced to participate in a society that was not made for me, this is what just might drive me over the edge.

Unless something changes, someone helps me, or literally anything gets significantly better, I will kill myself.

I don't know the date or the time, I don't know exactly how I would do it, but I'm almost certain it will happen. My life will have been practically meaningless, only knowing sorrow, pain, fear, and shame. The unique characteristics about me, my memories, my feelings, my likes and dislikes— everything will disintegrate into a grave, a statistic, and a blurry memory in the minds of those who know me now.

If I cannot live a life where I am treated kindly and where I can pull some meaning or significance out of it, I do not want to live at all.

If you read this far,
thank you.

 

[LunarLight]

I feel so much for you. I can relate. I lost what could have been the best years of my life to crippling depression. I can't have a job. I'm expected to rot untreated for years in my bed until I die in excruciating pain due to whatever terminal illness I will have. I used to make music but I can't anymore due to dyspraxia and depression worsening. This is not a life.
Have you tried rTMS/ECT? It helps some people.

 

[LittleCupcake]

I feel the same way, my childhood was about surviving and trying to find ways to eat without my dad knowing as he didnt want to cook and didnt want me to cook anything either, Dinner most days was just canned stuff or nothing.

I really dont get how people can function without a support network and proper care, your definitely not alone

 

[Meteora]

I relate so much. No childhood, people expect the impossible. It can only lead to depression and suicidality. But no one cares. Your parents remind me of mine. They think children miraculously become perfect adults at the age of 18, when in fact they have never taught them a thing.

I don't know what to recommend.... although I understand what you're talking about.
Do you have anyone you trust, anyone who takes you seriously? The fact that you have to rely on medication for now is ok, I would say. Allow yourself this "help". Most important would be you find a meaning, a profession that makes you happy, gives you some kind of a fullfillment.
If you could choose (without thinking if its possible), what would you want to do in life?

 

[ForgottenAgain]

That life is so sad. I read your whole post thinking about how well written it was and how unfair it was that someone could live all these years without anyone seeing how clearly unwell you were. I don't understand why people don't care, don't open their eyes, just blame others when it's not their fault.

Life shouldn't have been that way.

You're right that things may get better with more independence and you doing the work to create the support network you should have had in the first place. My life improved when I moved out of my father's house and could finally do what I thought was needed. It's a different kind of pain having to rely on your own, finding a boyfriend/girlfriend does help.

So sorry your life has been so difficult and painful. I hope your suffering stops, ideally in life, it would be even more unfair having to die because of how mistreated you were by others.

 

[Linda]

Jesus is dead. He isn't going to help you. Since the people around you don't seem to be helping you much either, I guess that means you're largely on your own.
Let's assume that's true, and see where it gets us. Can you think of something (or some things) that you are good at? (There must be something. Nobody is bad at everything, just like nobody is good at everything.) Can you leverage that to make some kind of life for yourself? I think you need to be imaginative here. You may find it difficult to recognise what strengths you have, because you have been put down so much by other people, but you will certainly have some. If you can recognise some abilities in yourself, then the old advice of "Play to your strengths" becomes relevant.
If you can start to get on your feet, you might be able to avoid (or at least make less use of) the medications, and that might help too. The hardest part will be making the first steps. If you can get started, you may benefit from the reverse of a domino effect, with one small success making the next ones easier.
Good luck.