AboutTimeToDepart
...
- Apr 8, 2024
- 24
My method was (and may still be) jumping, but over the past week, I've been heavily considering jumping in front of a train. For those who are going to say it, I'm well aware of the impact it has on the driver and passengers, but quite frankly, I'm too desperate to think about it.
The main difficulty here is that the train isn't fast enough at the actual platforms along the route to do the job since they stop at each one (unless you wish to lay on the actual tracks, the idea of which I'm less than fond of) meaning that I had to find a point between two platforms. There is one that is easy enough to get at, just involves jumping over some surprisingly short railings.
As I stood at the railing (which I could have easily jumped over) I got spooked as I thought I could hear people talking near by. Even though it was dark, I was worried that they would come around the corner as I jumped over the railings, and tried to intervene. At this point I walked back to my car. I did try to return around 10 minutes later, but at this point I could see the train, so unfortunately I had to give up for tonight, as I wouldn't have made it across the railings in time to actually position myself properly.
I'm kicking myself now, as I never actually saw anyone come and/or go after hearing what I thought was voices, meaning that I actually had my chance and blew it. I was one hopped railing away from finally getting some peace.
Even worse is the fact that I genuinely felt like I could commit to it. Each time I would drive to my desired spot (a cliff) I would feel nothing, no nervousness but no excitement or anything else. each time I ended up getting back in my car 30 minutes later and walking away. It was like I knew that my fear of heights would never allow me to jump. But as I approached the railing, my legs were weak and I was so damn nervous, which in itself isn't pleasant, but I interpret it as my body understanding that I could actually end up not walking away from this.
I'm gonna try again tomorrow I think. I'll time it better so there's less time for me to be interrupted, and also I'll do it during the day, so I'm not getting spooked in a creepy as hell forest (kinda childish I suppose, but it is what it is).
Anyway, there's no meaning or question in this wall of text, I just wanted to get this off my chest as it's not like I can tell anyone about this.
The main difficulty here is that the train isn't fast enough at the actual platforms along the route to do the job since they stop at each one (unless you wish to lay on the actual tracks, the idea of which I'm less than fond of) meaning that I had to find a point between two platforms. There is one that is easy enough to get at, just involves jumping over some surprisingly short railings.
As I stood at the railing (which I could have easily jumped over) I got spooked as I thought I could hear people talking near by. Even though it was dark, I was worried that they would come around the corner as I jumped over the railings, and tried to intervene. At this point I walked back to my car. I did try to return around 10 minutes later, but at this point I could see the train, so unfortunately I had to give up for tonight, as I wouldn't have made it across the railings in time to actually position myself properly.
I'm kicking myself now, as I never actually saw anyone come and/or go after hearing what I thought was voices, meaning that I actually had my chance and blew it. I was one hopped railing away from finally getting some peace.
Even worse is the fact that I genuinely felt like I could commit to it. Each time I would drive to my desired spot (a cliff) I would feel nothing, no nervousness but no excitement or anything else. each time I ended up getting back in my car 30 minutes later and walking away. It was like I knew that my fear of heights would never allow me to jump. But as I approached the railing, my legs were weak and I was so damn nervous, which in itself isn't pleasant, but I interpret it as my body understanding that I could actually end up not walking away from this.
I'm gonna try again tomorrow I think. I'll time it better so there's less time for me to be interrupted, and also I'll do it during the day, so I'm not getting spooked in a creepy as hell forest (kinda childish I suppose, but it is what it is).
Anyway, there's no meaning or question in this wall of text, I just wanted to get this off my chest as it's not like I can tell anyone about this.
