i can't decide

[1964dodge]

i'm still in the same place I was in September. I know this makes me look like a coward but I don't want to die but my severe chronic pain and chronic illness is starting to take it's toll. I joined a pro life suicide site at the same time. I have been clinging to hope that things can get better and they did a little but bot enough.. I still have suicidal thoughts at least one a day because of pain when it gets too bad I have to suffer until dilaudid kicks in. I used to be on a reasonable pain level until cdc got involved. i also look seriously at suicide 1 or 2 times a week. 2 x I came close 1x the other site pulled me back and a couple months ago my wife caught and stopped me.

the other side I would cause extreme pain to friends and family and if I go unless by accident before 7/20 my wife is destitute and i'm afraid of hell. i'm tired of fighting a losing battle i''m tired of suffering but the consequences bother me anyone else stuck in limbo

 

[21Neberg]

Just look at what's looking good in your life, and what isn't. To put it simply, do the negatives outweigh the positives, and do they outweigh the positives so heavily that you don't want to continue living?

Personally, they do. That is why I have made up my mind - I'm going to die young.

This site has plenty of resources and methods, so if you do decide to go out, we're here to help.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi there, I think your situation would resonate with a lot of people. So many people would ctb in a heartbeat but for fear of hurting family of friends - or, if they are a bread-winner or source of income through pension, they worry about leaving their partner in a financially precarious situation.

It's a horrible situation to be in and I'm so sorry for your physical pain. I hope you can find some clarity xx

 

[Hopeless_soul]

I know this makes me look like a coward

No, it doesn't. Sometimes while reading posts here and planning my own ctb, I forget about the transcendental decision I made and the irreversible action I will/would take.

I still have suicidal thoughts at least one a day because of pain

I'm sorry you feel that way. It's distressing to be in limbo; to feel that you don't have the strength to decide about anything. But it's not about courage or cowardice. It's about being brutally honest with yourself and trying to see clearly what you really want. It's harder than it seems.

I wouldn't rush into anything. You seem to have tried to feel better. And that's a great thing.

Hope your pain goes away.

Hugs.

 

[TooLate2582]

I'm sorry you're in such a bad spot. I see your username and it reminded me of Kowalski.

Now that's a way to go.

 

[1964dodge]

No, it doesn't. Sometimes while reading posts here and planning my own ctb, I forget about the transcendental decision I made and the irreversible action I will/would take.



I'm sorry you feel that way. It's distressing to be in limbo; to feel that you don't have the strength to decide about anything. But it's not about courage or cowardice. It's about being brutally honest with yourself and trying to see clearly what you really want. It's harder than it seems.

I wouldn't rush into anything. You seem to have tried to feel better. And that's a great thing.

Hope your pain goes away.

Hugs.

I do make progress my pain level has gone down almost a whole point and with work my copd has gotten a little better. I still need oxygen when walking more than 50 ft and at night and i'm still on an avap (passive ventilator) at night. I am just tired of the pain spiking taking breakthrough meds then repeat. I've been suffering chronic pain 20 years disabled 15. I have hope but i'm losing the the ability to fight. sorry to whine and complain

 

[Hopeless_soul]

I've been suffering chronic pain 20 years disabled 15

It's admirable you've been able to cope for so long, even though it must be really exhausting and harrowing.

sorry to whine and complain

There's no need to be sorry. X