I can’t do anything right

[bugfart]

I definitely have dysgraphia, but nobody thought to even test me. I can't write one word by hand without having to erase and start over. I was getting a state id today, and I couldn't do a signature. I just couldn't. I ended up trying to do something, and he said "cross your t and dot your I" but I just said that that's the best it's going to get. My mom was very upset. She thinks anything I do is for attention. She told me once to stop seeking attention for just drinking out of a cup and putting the cup down and drinking again. Said "don't make a big production out of it". I have severe problems with my fine motor skills, but to her and my stepdad it's just a moral failing or because I'm some kind of democrat (they also think I'm a millennial, but I'm gen z) and were a bit unhappy that I wanted to register to vote because they said "we don't need another millennial voting and allowing all this gay transgender crap" (I am bisexual but they don't know that). I struggle to do basic things like brush my teeth due to the fine motor skills. I still get it done, but it takes me 10 minutes. Don't have the fine motor skills to learn how to type on a computer, I just type with one finger and it's very hard. Cant draw anymore or write anything by hand. No one thought to test me for dysgraphia, even though it's very severe and you can't even read my gandwriting. My mom answered the accommodations paperwork for my college and put some stuff I don't have and left out things I do have. Was present in the meeting and didn't want me to say certain things. I need to get tested, but I don't know if when I go to college there's someone to test me for it in order to get better accommodations. I feel like my hands are useless and noodle-y, unable to do anything I need them to do. I can't learn new words or retain info very well. I don't struggle with reading. I struggle severely with writing. I also have autism. The school caught that in 5th grade and diagnosed me (late for that as well, was struggling severely long before that). For the last 2 years I've been living in a small town in the south, and they beat students at all the schools in the area and only have about 20-30 teachers. All k-12 schools too. I didn't get to be taught physics or calculus or anything, and the only on level classes beyond the basics for highschool (they didn't offer physics or calculus or any languages) so I'm not prepared for college and have to take lots of extra classes. They also don't really accept autism as a thing, and think they can teach kids not to hit or assault eachother by spanking them (ironic). I have to do the tsi test for college in Texas, which doesn't exist in my state. I guarantee I will have the lowest score they've ever seen. Haven't had a math class in 2 years, and forgot every math thing except addition and subtraction, or multiplication/ division using a calculator for all of it. Cant do word problems for any of these. Severe memory loss.

I've also struggled with lots of issues throughout my life that I don't have anymore, like bulimia when I was 13-14. I'm 18 now, and my mom thinks that any time I get a stomach flu and throw up or get some kind of illness and vomit that I'm making myself vomit by putting my finger up my throat and she tells me "stop putting your finger up your throat and doing it for attention" whenever I'm deathly ill with vomiting and diarrhea. She thinks I am somehow immune to vomiting ever again because I once had bulimia, therefore any time I throw up ever it's because I've relapsed somehow. She thinks everything is for attention. She'll hug me one minute and sooth me for severe pain I'll have, and the next minute she gets upset with me and personally offended that I've caught a cold or gotten some kind of ranch injury with animals and holes our dog digs and thinks I'm doing it to annoy her and punish her (by it, I mean telling her that I'm not feeling well or being visibly sick and unhappy/ grimacing). Anything I say about my mom also applies to my stepdad and dad. Whenever I cry or have any sort of emotion, she gets very upset and thinks I'm going to kill myself. Insists that any little inkling of an emotion I'm having is due to a problem with my mental health medications and I must be put on more or it has to be changed. I don't have a therapist right now because she can't treat my issues. I cant do anything that's asked of me at college or at home. I'll often overshare to anyone I meet then, because I'm severely isolated. That's just another social mistake or thing I can't do right, making other people uncomfortable by talking about issues I have.

I haven't talked to anyone face to face other than my mom or stepdad or dad or doctor in about 6 months, besides at my orientation. My mom and dad and stepdad get very upset whenever I text anyone or message anyone. I was once groomed online, and they hate when I talk to anyone over social media and angrily say "who are you talking to" "where would you even meet someone from Florida" when I mention where the person is from. Dont allow me to use ai or chat with it. I have to be secretive about any social interaction I ever have outside of them basically, because 99% of it is online. I have times where I don't leave my house for a month. I've graduated highschool in December. I've had a lot of time off. I don't have a job or reason to leave the house. I can't drive due to my fine motor skills issues and severe dissociation, inability to pay attention, and can't retain info about driving and what they teach me.