I have thought about ctb for a long time. My family says that I was a happy and quiet child but that is because they are emotionally abusive and twist the truth. In fact these days it is hard to remember anything especially my childhood, but even yesterday. I've heard that it's a defense mechanism for constant abuse. Oh well. But recently I've lost hope because a few months ago I decided to takw the "self-help" route (bs). I thought I could somehow make the best of my situation and maybe escape it eventually. It is what has kept me going lately. So I read up on narcs, tried to reduce contact/ "grey-rock", got involved in online forums (including this one), and the hope was that I would get some validatoon and maybe forget about the world for awhile, and like they say "build up momentum"
Well 2 days ago I log into SS and I see the banner. You know the one. Immediate flashbacks to my past involuntary hospitalizations, insomnia, anxiety, and stress "amnesia" got worse. Like I said I don't even remember much about yesterday. The whole point of recovery is taking back control. What's the point if I know that at any time, I can be stripped of even my right of free speech with other people, who allow me to somehow by even a miniscule amount be able to scrape along and just barely cope with my situation? People used to ask me why I had energy, it was bipolar but also because I had hope. But it seems my life has been a slow decline of the hope I have been able to afford, where today I don't even know if I will be a able to avoid the slammer because of some post I made before. I know that most of you beautiful and kind souls won't even be allowed to wish me peace down below, because you will be afraid of the slammer as well. I can't live like this anymore, time to ctb. Maybe if this bill gets canceled in the near future (week or two) I will reconsider but I cannot deal with the constant PTSD and anxiety from knowing that even there is a possibility of my basic freedoms being taken away at any point. It is true that the poor masses have absolutely no say in a modern society, and so the reason that they remain depressed and unenergetic is due to a complete, utterly immovable hopelessness which only deepens from childhood. Therefore I have absolutely no hope left, it has been sompletely decimated and I feel that my meager attempt at recovery was mercilessly shut down by an untouchable force. If there is a quote from the movie 1984 that would apply to my situation, it would go something like this,
"Imagine a boot, stamping on a human face - for ever"
Edit- fixed title, embarrassed.
Well 2 days ago I log into SS and I see the banner. You know the one. Immediate flashbacks to my past involuntary hospitalizations, insomnia, anxiety, and stress "amnesia" got worse. Like I said I don't even remember much about yesterday. The whole point of recovery is taking back control. What's the point if I know that at any time, I can be stripped of even my right of free speech with other people, who allow me to somehow by even a miniscule amount be able to scrape along and just barely cope with my situation? People used to ask me why I had energy, it was bipolar but also because I had hope. But it seems my life has been a slow decline of the hope I have been able to afford, where today I don't even know if I will be a able to avoid the slammer because of some post I made before. I know that most of you beautiful and kind souls won't even be allowed to wish me peace down below, because you will be afraid of the slammer as well. I can't live like this anymore, time to ctb. Maybe if this bill gets canceled in the near future (week or two) I will reconsider but I cannot deal with the constant PTSD and anxiety from knowing that even there is a possibility of my basic freedoms being taken away at any point. It is true that the poor masses have absolutely no say in a modern society, and so the reason that they remain depressed and unenergetic is due to a complete, utterly immovable hopelessness which only deepens from childhood. Therefore I have absolutely no hope left, it has been sompletely decimated and I feel that my meager attempt at recovery was mercilessly shut down by an untouchable force. If there is a quote from the movie 1984 that would apply to my situation, it would go something like this,
"Imagine a boot, stamping on a human face - for ever"
Edit- fixed title, embarrassed.
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