backtoearth
<3
- Sep 9, 2023
- 124
[I'm just ranting here because there is nowhere else I can put this shit and I cba finding my journal rn]
As the days go by I can't help but be hyper-aware of how close the festive period is. I can't stand it, I feel sick with nerves just thinking about it. The only way I can think of to get out of it is either being in hospital, disappearing, or just dying. I didn't even think I'd make it this far through the year so the last option gets more and more tempting as the time gets closer.
It's so selfish the reasons I dislike this time of year but how can anyone be happy in a town that triggers them immensely, in the house I experienced some of my worst nights and memories, forced in a room with their mother who is slowly dying and deteriorating. It is always so uncomfortable and I can't do another round of having to pretend I care about my mother like she isn't the most mean, bitter woman you could ever meet. The woman that never fucking cared my whole childhood.
My mind is flicking between running away and seeing what happens or just ending it, I have a history with OTC ODs so that's always an option to get me into hospital for at least a night or two. I can't bear the thought of going to that place again. I have been disabled and my life ruined due to the things that happened there, I have psychosis that stems from the trauma, how do they expect me to go there and just be fine? God I wish I could just die in my sleep, I wish I could easily get my hands on some fent or SN, I wish things were fucking easier for once, I wish that my life wasn't a series of trauma and horrors and disappointment.
As the days go by I can't help but be hyper-aware of how close the festive period is. I can't stand it, I feel sick with nerves just thinking about it. The only way I can think of to get out of it is either being in hospital, disappearing, or just dying. I didn't even think I'd make it this far through the year so the last option gets more and more tempting as the time gets closer.
It's so selfish the reasons I dislike this time of year but how can anyone be happy in a town that triggers them immensely, in the house I experienced some of my worst nights and memories, forced in a room with their mother who is slowly dying and deteriorating. It is always so uncomfortable and I can't do another round of having to pretend I care about my mother like she isn't the most mean, bitter woman you could ever meet. The woman that never fucking cared my whole childhood.
My mind is flicking between running away and seeing what happens or just ending it, I have a history with OTC ODs so that's always an option to get me into hospital for at least a night or two. I can't bear the thought of going to that place again. I have been disabled and my life ruined due to the things that happened there, I have psychosis that stems from the trauma, how do they expect me to go there and just be fine? God I wish I could just die in my sleep, I wish I could easily get my hands on some fent or SN, I wish things were fucking easier for once, I wish that my life wasn't a series of trauma and horrors and disappointment.