Story I can't see myself getting any better

[PublicDiary0606]

Hey everyone, it's good to be back after a year of inactivity. Let's cut to the chase. I have been battling depression for many years since perhaps my late childhood (recently figured it out) and I have come to some conclusions. I understand that my depression is not consistent. It usually comes as big waves but it dies down and some point but never to a complete 0. It is persistent and I notice it's usually there. Especially when I am just alone with my thoughts, not occupied and not with anyone else. I'm mostly a person who is very critical and maybe cruel to myself, it goes both ways where it either leads to being hopeless or striving for improvement in what I do or my character. It also occurs to me that I am obsessed with the idea of dying or death.

Despite all of that, I do appreciate the world I am living in. I have friends and family who care and love about me. I am able to afford the time and finances for my hobbies. I live in a location where generally crime isn't high and it's safe. However, somewhere in my mind, there's also that little persistent voice bringing me down. And it brings me down. Slowly I get better, and suddenly I can relapse. And it's been the same cycle for many years. The idea of getting better seems to have vanished and I can't imagine a world where I do not have depression. It has assimilated to my personality and I guess that's who I am forever. It is the same cycle at different points of my life and sometimes it gets better. I am just afraid that I no longer have the energy to fight, or maybe a great tragedy happen and I just give up. Much like when I was a teenager when I attempted, only to be saved by a timely phone call from my sister.

Well, to sum it up, I live a loveable life in a world I appreciate. I can see the goodness in this world and it makes me feel warmer. However, the persistent depression I have removes that connection from what I experience to what I feel. It covers me with a cold blanket which I can't seem to get out. At the end of the day, it's the same cycle to better and relapse again in the future.

 

[cantwaittodie]

Same I can't get better as well :(

 

[BlackEyedDog]

I think it's great that you have awareness and better understanding of your depression. For some of us it is just something we have to manage throughout life, like a medical condition. There may not necessarily be a cure. With some people meds help, others find different ways to endure, by keeping busy, finding things in life to enjoy and can engage with. No one says you have to see a therapist every week of every year for the test of your life. But therapy from time to time can help when those depressive periods become too heavy or too prolonged.

 

[PublicDiary0606]

Same I can't get better as well :(

I think it's great that you have awareness and better understanding of your depression. For some of us it is just something we have to manage throughout life, like a medical condition. There may not necessarily be a cure. With some people meds help, others find different ways to endure, by keeping busy, finding things in life to enjoy and can engage with. No one says you have to see a therapist every week of every year for the test of your life. But therapy from time to time can help when those depressive periods become too heavy or too prolonged.

I am slightly glad to hear that I am not the only one who feel the same way of hopelessness. There seem to be no other way out of this from my current point of view. But I do hope that one day I get to realize that there is a world where people like me do get better...