Rudeus_Greyrat
Member
- Oct 13, 2024
- 45
I swear, this is getting ridicolous. Everyday feels like groundhog day. I wake up, after a nightmare about either my ex girlfriend or my brother that of course resets my mood to "what the fuck am I even trying to achieve anymore here?". I start the day hugging the pillow, the one I hugged before going to sleep because I'm basically a ghost now and I went from experiencing constant and almost excessive amounts of physical and emotional love, to not speaking to a SINGLE HUMAN all day long, everyday. From being bombed with "how are you, darling?" and "hey bro, you ok?" to the absolute VOID of a phone without a single message. If I died and my parents weren't here no one would find out I'm dead before a year, no jokes. I can't even cry anymore, I just feel empty, aside from a few moments where I scream around me "please, someone, anyone, hug me, comfort me, bring me back in time, please..." but no one answers, of course.
I MUST avoid speaking to my parents, because otherwise I'll get insulted for being too much of a crybaby. I walk in a wood nearby, trying to clear my mind, and every single second, I kid you not, I'm torn between "I'm tired, can't wait until SN arrives, so I'll finally be able to leave this world" and "ok, you have to endure the next 6 months, so you'll leave without regrets", but after I settle on that note a voice says "and what other hope awaits you after these 6 months? How long will your SI keep us locked in here, awaiting the next humiliation and crying remembering the perfect life that we had?" "but what's 6 more months in the face of eternity?" etc etc
And this keeps on going, in circles, until the day is done, and I haven't done a single step in any direction, aside from acquiring new info about my CTB.
My last unlocked fear is the chance to survive SN and get permanent disability as a reward. If any of you know how to unlock this situation, I'll be eternally thankful.
The choice is:
- I endure the next 6 months trying to learn how to code, and get a job in that field, hoping that this seemingly useless achievement and the possible economical return may bring me back my will to live (and maybe even my girlfriend and my brother), BUT I have to suffer loneliness, depression, and the constant pressure of not even knowing if my efforts are going to have any meaning at all, for 6 more months, where the last one already seems like it's been 2 years ago.
- I finally accept that my life has already peaked and from here it's only sadness and despair, or at best a pale ghost, a shadow of the dream life I experienced, and decide to CTB, BUT I constantly feel the pressure of "you didn't even wait for the dust to settle yet, maybe there's something good coming after all this madness?"
But no, there's nothing good coming, voice in my head. Please, leave me alone, for fuck's sake...
I MUST avoid speaking to my parents, because otherwise I'll get insulted for being too much of a crybaby. I walk in a wood nearby, trying to clear my mind, and every single second, I kid you not, I'm torn between "I'm tired, can't wait until SN arrives, so I'll finally be able to leave this world" and "ok, you have to endure the next 6 months, so you'll leave without regrets", but after I settle on that note a voice says "and what other hope awaits you after these 6 months? How long will your SI keep us locked in here, awaiting the next humiliation and crying remembering the perfect life that we had?" "but what's 6 more months in the face of eternity?" etc etc
And this keeps on going, in circles, until the day is done, and I haven't done a single step in any direction, aside from acquiring new info about my CTB.
My last unlocked fear is the chance to survive SN and get permanent disability as a reward. If any of you know how to unlock this situation, I'll be eternally thankful.
The choice is:
- I endure the next 6 months trying to learn how to code, and get a job in that field, hoping that this seemingly useless achievement and the possible economical return may bring me back my will to live (and maybe even my girlfriend and my brother), BUT I have to suffer loneliness, depression, and the constant pressure of not even knowing if my efforts are going to have any meaning at all, for 6 more months, where the last one already seems like it's been 2 years ago.
- I finally accept that my life has already peaked and from here it's only sadness and despair, or at best a pale ghost, a shadow of the dream life I experienced, and decide to CTB, BUT I constantly feel the pressure of "you didn't even wait for the dust to settle yet, maybe there's something good coming after all this madness?"
But no, there's nothing good coming, voice in my head. Please, leave me alone, for fuck's sake...
