coolgal82
she/her, terminally silly :3
- Sep 10, 2024
- 438
I hate my fucking brain so much jesus christ. nothing makes sense. i dont know who i am or what i am or anything. everything is just so inconsistent and like combined with my bad memory i feel like how i act/think/feel constantly changes. Well i know it does in some ways (like when i join a friendgroup i tend to like kinda absorb alot of their views/opinions and like either replace my own with them or like make my views change to compromise/meet in the middle with theirs, and when i disagree i try and like rationalise to myself why they arent fully wrong) But for others i have no idea. i feel like theyve been around a while but i dont know if theyve been in the same form or like as bad or whatever? It also feels like as soon as i notice certain behaviours they start happening way more. I don't know what's real and what im like misunderstanding/exaggerating/faking subconsciously.
Like one example is how recently ive noticed way more that im constantly randomly apologising sometimes when like i dont know if i did that before? i think i did? but it wasnt this bad? it feels like its gotten worse after i noticed it which im worried is me like subconsciously faking it or something.
I hate this feeling its so all consuming. alot of my feelings are and the worst thing is my brain gets so like focused on them and idfk whatever that i just cant even go to sleep to escape it. the only escape is alcohol which only works sometimes. i wish my brain would just fucking be quiet for like a day. the only way it's gonna be quiet is when i finally CTB, i cant wait for the day where i can have the courage to do that. I'm probably gonna place my order with DMC soon but i need to wait for my brain to like calm down to the idea cus its currently running through every possible thing that could go wrong lmao like my parents finding it/asking about it, getting scammed, mistyping something, etc. i just want it all to end.
Like one example is how recently ive noticed way more that im constantly randomly apologising sometimes when like i dont know if i did that before? i think i did? but it wasnt this bad? it feels like its gotten worse after i noticed it which im worried is me like subconsciously faking it or something.
I hate this feeling its so all consuming. alot of my feelings are and the worst thing is my brain gets so like focused on them and idfk whatever that i just cant even go to sleep to escape it. the only escape is alcohol which only works sometimes. i wish my brain would just fucking be quiet for like a day. the only way it's gonna be quiet is when i finally CTB, i cant wait for the day where i can have the courage to do that. I'm probably gonna place my order with DMC soon but i need to wait for my brain to like calm down to the idea cus its currently running through every possible thing that could go wrong lmao like my parents finding it/asking about it, getting scammed, mistyping something, etc. i just want it all to end.
