I can't take these tormenting memories anymore, I need help

[eliza23]

Like I'd said in a previous thread of mine about how I was treated at home by my parents especially my brothers. Well I was pregnant this past month but I lost my baby and it just brought back old taunting memories of mine. When I was 13 my brother one day got me pregnant and I never told him or anyone else in my family because for fucks sake I was only 13 I wanted to keep the baby but I decided to get rid of the baby 8 weeks after what he did because when I took that digital pregnancy test and it came back as pregnant I couldn't do it I didn't know what to do. I mean I wanted to keep the baby have the baby then tell the world about what my brothers did make them suffer and to feel the pain they've caused me but I couldn't do it. I knew my mother well enough to know she'd never believe me and she would never let anyone know of what happened. So i decided to terminate my pregnancy. I knew it was my brothers because they were the only ones doing that stuff to me I just didn't know which one was the father. I can't sleep I keep remembering what happened and now that I lost this baby also from rape just not incest as well it was actually a stranger but I feel like I have killed both of my babies. Because with this recent pregnancy I lost my baby at three months pregnant and it was either because of my diabetes or the fact that I overworked myself at work because I'm so used to working at home and doing whatever even if i feel sick or i'm tired or I need the bathroom or water or even a break. And I just did the same at work because that's all I'm used to. Now I don't know what to do, i wanna tell my friends but I'm scared I don't know what to do because yes in a way I am still protecting my brothers because even though I'm telling the truth I feel like no one will believe me because my mother is good at manipulating others tricking them and guilt tripping them into believing whatever she wants them to. I mean she had others believing I was delusional about what my brothers had done to me until they outright admitted to what they have done. The thing is my brothers are just like my mother and to save their own asses and their mothers and fathers they'll sell me out as a delusional girl with mental issues. Please someone anyone help me, I need someone to tell me what it is I should do. Give me advice anything at all will be better than nothing and having these memories eat me from the inside out.

 

[jodes2]

I would still try talking to your mum about it, in the off chance it brings closure. Sorry for what you've been through

 

[eliza23]

I would still try talking to your mum about it, in the off chance it brings closure. Sorry for what you've been through

as much as id like to take your advice and tell my mother, she still doesn't even believe that my brothers did what I said they did so why on earth would she believe me if i told her i got pregnant by one of them yet i dont even know which one was the father?

 

[jodes2]

as much as id like to take your advice and tell my mother, she still doesn't even believe that my brothers did what I said they did so why on earth would she believe me if i told her i got pregnant by one of them yet i dont even know which one was the father?

Oh sorry I didn't know you'd already told her what your brothers did and she didn't believe you. That's horrible. Why the fuck does she think you'd make that shit up

 

[rainysummer]

i think you should try talking to whichever of your friends you trust the most/will be the most understanding. if they are a decent person at all they will believe you completely.

 

[eliza23]

Oh sorry I didn't know you'd already told her what your brothers did and she didn't believe you. That's horrible. Why the fuck does she think you'd make that shit up

no idea why shed be that way, but when we finally got around to going into depth about what they'd done she told me they were just being curious boys they didn't do anything wrong. Well boy was she wrong about that, I mean she always talked about replacing me with one of there friends because I'd be less of a hassle for her less of a burden or problem if I was gone and became someone else's problem to deal with. Well turns out she had already replaced me so I'm fucked either way. Apparently her sons my brothers matter more to her than her own fucking daughter and now after all she, her husband, sons and daughters have done to me she wants me to apologize to her and come back home and be a family again, fuck that no way in hell is that happening. Her daughters would hurt me when we were younger, I've gotten more than my fair share of stitches on my head from my sisters and my one brother, I've gotten more than my fair share of how cruel the world can be to naive little girls. I've gotten more than my fair share of experience with men and I know what brothers are thanks to them because their not what brothers should be. I've gotten more than my fair share of lectures, beatings and so called love from my mother father and my brothers and sisters to last me five life times. I've gotten more than my damn fair share of sexual experiences to last me all of eternity. I've gotten more than my fair share of a lot of things for which I never needed to go through nor did I deserve to go through so yeah when I say I'm done with the world it's because the world has shown me just how much it wants me gone. How much it fucking hates me and seems to regret bringing me into it.

 

[Mental]

Like I'd said in a previous thread of mine about how I was treated at home by my parents especially my brothers. Well I was pregnant this past month but I lost my baby and it just brought back old taunting memories of mine. When I was 13 my brother one day got me pregnant and I never told him or anyone else in my family because for fucks sake I was only 13 I wanted to keep the baby but I decided to get rid of the baby 8 weeks after what he did because when I took that digital pregnancy test and it came back as pregnant I couldn't do it I didn't know what to do. I mean I wanted to keep the baby have the baby then tell the world about what my brothers did make them suffer and to feel the pain they've caused me but I couldn't do it. I knew my mother well enough to know she'd never believe me and she would never let anyone know of what happened. So i decided to terminate my pregnancy. I knew it was my brothers because they were the only ones doing that stuff to me I just didn't know which one was the father. I can't sleep I keep remembering what happened and now that I lost this baby also from rape just not incest as well it was actually a stranger but I feel like I have killed both of my babies. Because with this recent pregnancy I lost my baby at three months pregnant and it was either because of my diabetes or the fact that I overworked myself at work because I'm so used to working at home and doing whatever even if i feel sick or i'm tired or I need the bathroom or water or even a break. And I just did the same at work because that's all I'm used to. Now I don't know what to do, i wanna tell my friends but I'm scared I don't know what to do because yes in a way I am still protecting my brothers because even though I'm telling the truth I feel like no one will believe me because my mother is good at manipulating others tricking them and guilt tripping them into believing whatever she wants them to. I mean she had others believing I was delusional about what my brothers had done to me until they outright admitted to what they have done. The thing is my brothers are just like my mother and to save their own asses and their mothers and fathers they'll sell me out as a delusional girl with mental issues. Please someone anyone help me, I need someone to tell me what it is I should do. Give me advice anything at all will be better than nothing and having these memories eat me from the inside out.

First of all, you are a very strong person for moving on after everything that has happened to you, many people would have taken the "easy" path and would have left everything. Secondly, you're not a bad person, you know what happened to you is reprehensible? And it doesn't matter how good your mother is at lying and decorating stories. Things don't work that way nowadays.

I would recommend that you look at options in your city that help women and inform yourself there of what you can do. Because you are not alone, what has happened to you is not right. That your mother allowed it is not right. It doesn't matter if they are your brothers, sometimes one has to be "selfish" think more about you, because you have not done anything wrong in this world, advise yourself. There are free places where they are very jovial and will be happy to help you.

If you don't feel ready, that's fine. And if you want to start with smaller things, you can tell a good friend. Believe me, if she's a real friend, she's not gonna be manipulated by anyone.

People like your mother and siblings use fear to make you think there's no way out, but hopefully you'll see there's a real way out that there is.

You're a very strong person, never forget.





A very strong hug

 

[Hollowillow]

Like I'd said in a previous thread of mine about how I was treated at home by my parents especially my brothers. Well I was pregnant this past month but I lost my baby and it just brought back old taunting memories of mine. When I was 13 my brother one day got me pregnant and I never told him or anyone else in my family because for fucks sake I was only 13 I wanted to keep the baby but I decided to get rid of the baby 8 weeks after what he did because when I took that digital pregnancy test and it came back as pregnant I couldn't do it I didn't know what to do. I mean I wanted to keep the baby have the baby then tell the world about what my brothers did make them suffer and to feel the pain they've caused me but I couldn't do it. I knew my mother well enough to know she'd never believe me and she would never let anyone know of what happened. So i decided to terminate my pregnancy. I knew it was my brothers because they were the only ones doing that stuff to me I just didn't know which one was the father. I can't sleep I keep remembering what happened and now that I lost this baby also from rape just not incest as well it was actually a stranger but I feel like I have killed both of my babies. Because with this recent pregnancy I lost my baby at three months pregnant and it was either because of my diabetes or the fact that I overworked myself at work because I'm so used to working at home and doing whatever even if i feel sick or i'm tired or I need the bathroom or water or even a break. And I just did the same at work because that's all I'm used to. Now I don't know what to do, i wanna tell my friends but I'm scared I don't know what to do because yes in a way I am still protecting my brothers because even though I'm telling the truth I feel like no one will believe me because my mother is good at manipulating others tricking them and guilt tripping them into believing whatever she wants them to. I mean she had others believing I was delusional about what my brothers had done to me until they outright admitted to what they have done. The thing is my brothers are just like my mother and to save their own asses and their mothers and fathers they'll sell me out as a delusional girl with mental issues. Please someone anyone help me, I need someone to tell me what it is I should do. Give me advice anything at all will be better than nothing and having these memories eat me from the inside out.

Your mother is a narcissist, your brothers are rapists... Never speak to any of them again. You start your own family of 1 now.

The police are crap but denounce your brothers. I bet they raped others.

Flee far away, I hope you're old enough. Child protective services are abusive too but might be better...

Babies aren't angels from heaven. They're clothes of the fathers. The world don't need the psychopaths to reproduce. You lost your baby from extreme stress & no support. It was kind of you not to give birth to a possibly deformed crippled baby from incest, born in a rape family.

I hope you'll make your own family, with a gentle lover, far away from those monsters. Hopefully while they get raped in jail.

Everybody deserves to die in that story except you!

I would still try talking to your mum about it, in the off chance it brings closure. Sorry for what you've been through

No it'd give the narc the opportunity to do more gaslight. I wrote a letter to my mom explaining why she's bad and I'll never speak to her again.

no idea why shed be that way, but when we finally got around to going into depth about what they'd done she told me they were just being curious boys they didn't do anything wrong. Well boy was she wrong about that, I mean she always talked about replacing me with one of there friends because I'd be less of a hassle for her less of a burden or problem if I was gone and became someone else's problem to deal with. Well turns out she had already replaced me so I'm fucked either way. Apparently her sons my brothers matter more to her than her own fucking daughter and now after all she, her husband, sons and daughters have done to me she wants me to apologize to her and come back home and be a family again, fuck that no way in hell is that happening. Her daughters would hurt me when we were younger, I've gotten more than my fair share of stitches on my head from my sisters and my one brother, I've gotten more than my fair share of how cruel the world can be to naive little girls. I've gotten more than my fair share of experience with men and I know what brothers are thanks to them because their not what brothers should be. I've gotten more than my fair share of lectures, beatings and so called love from my mother father and my brothers and sisters to last me five life times. I've gotten more than my damn fair share of sexual experiences to last me all of eternity. I've gotten more than my fair share of a lot of things for which I never needed to go through nor did I deserve to go through so yeah when I say I'm done with the world it's because the world has shown me just how much it wants me gone. How much it fucking hates me and seems to regret bringing me into it.

Read about narcissism. They like a punching bag to vent their anger, accumulated as they try to look perfect. The boys were the golden child, can do no wrong to her. She believed you but thought you didn't deserve protection.

As therapy, if you have flashbacks, take control, imagine yourself kicking their balls, or worse. That's the purpose of otsd flashbacks, to figure out ways to prevent being harmed if it happened again. Try self defense. Allow yourself the dignity if daying no, gaving boundaries, that were denied. I'm still working on it.

You lived some very extra hell. If you want to act violent scenarios on them... They deserve the worst.

But you don't deserve jail. So have some empowering sadistic revenge daydream .. try the cops... Flee... Try to never let narcs in your life again. Don't fall for grandiose kindness & promises... They're often traps for the emotionally starved...

Best wishes

 

[hamvil]

Getting over memories is not easy. I keep ruminating about old stuff and I cannot find a way to get out of it.

 

[eliza23]

I've already tried the cops they didn't believe me or help me anyways. But once I turned 18 I got out of there I'm moving far away soon enough. But I just can't see men the same way because I fell for a guy who only see me as a good fuck and to bad for me I didn't see that until after he fucked me, called me beautiful made me feel loved and then crushed me in the end. He was bragging about how he fucked me how I had begged for it which was backwards and he was telling every guy about how he fucked me as if i was some trophy in a game. But sense then I can't do it anymore I can't do guys anymore, I'm afraid to be used, to be tossed aside for someone better, afraid to be hurt, afraid it's gonna all be fake, I'm afraid I'll be lied to by a guy just so he can get into my pants I'm so afraid to fall in love I can't ever tell someone I love them. I mean I loved him and he used me, but when he called me beautiful while we were doing it he said he wouldn't hurt me that he didn't wanna hurt me and he even went slowly cuz I was scared. Turnes out to all be fake in the end and I got hurt and that was the last time I was ever gonna trust a guy again. Then I found out I was pregnant with his baby but I lost that baby anyways, and I told the cops the situation between us and they said that it was manipulation, that I was coerced into doing what I did and I just didn't know what to do or believe anymore. I just can't put my trust in guys anymore besides all the good guys are taken anyways, and in order to keep myself safe as far as I know I tell myself no one could want me like that anyways,and I mean so far no guy has ever wanted me for more than sex it's just my brothers, that guy I fell for and an old classmate in high school beat them to it and I just can't get myself to ever trust a guy again not like that not even like a friend.

 

[Mental]

Like I'd said in a previous thread of mine about how I was treated at home by my parents especially my brothers. Well I was pregnant this past month but I lost my baby and it just brought back old taunting memories of mine. When I was 13 my brother one day got me pregnant and I never told him or anyone else in my family because for fucks sake I was only 13 I wanted to keep the baby but I decided to get rid of the baby 8 weeks after what he did because when I took that digital pregnancy test and it came back as pregnant I couldn't do it I didn't know what to do. I mean I wanted to keep the baby have the baby then tell the world about what my brothers did make them suffer and to feel the pain they've caused me but I couldn't do it. I knew my mother well enough to know she'd never believe me and she would never let anyone know of what happened. So i decided to terminate my pregnancy. I knew it was my brothers because they were the only ones doing that stuff to me I just didn't know which one was the father. I can't sleep I keep remembering what happened and now that I lost this baby also from rape just not incest as well it was actually a stranger but I feel like I have killed both of my babies. Because with this recent pregnancy I lost my baby at three months pregnant and it was either because of my diabetes or the fact that I overworked myself at work because I'm so used to working at home and doing whatever even if i feel sick or i'm tired or I need the bathroom or water or even a break. And I just did the same at work because that's all I'm used to. Now I don't know what to do, i wanna tell my friends but I'm scared I don't know what to do because yes in a way I am still protecting my brothers because even though I'm telling the truth I feel like no one will believe me because my mother is good at manipulating others tricking them and guilt tripping them into believing whatever she wants them to. I mean she had others believing I was delusional about what my brothers had done to me until they outright admitted to what they have done. The thing is my brothers are just like my mother and to save their own asses and their mothers and fathers they'll sell me out as a delusional girl with mental issues. Please someone anyone help me, I need someone to tell me what it is I should do. Give me advice anything at all will be better than nothing and having these memories eat me from the inside out.

https://gcadv.org/domestic-violence-centers/

I'm sorry to be so truthful, some say revenge and other things that are part of the grieving process, I would say justice.
I have seen in one of your post that you are from Georgia, I do not know many resources there since I have not studied them,( I am from Spain, that explains my bad English) but I would love to be of help, so I leave you this to think about. The police are shit, but the associations are something else, they have lawyers, psychologists, social integrators, psychiatrists, they will take care of you and they will not judge you, they will do what is best for you, that is, what you consider most appropriate.

I've already tried the cops they didn't believe me or help me anyways. But once I turned 18 I got out of there I'm moving far away soon enough. But I just can't see men the same way because I fell for a guy who only see me as a good fuck and to bad for me I didn't see that until after he fucked me, called me beautiful made me feel loved and then crushed me in the end. He was bragging about how he fucked me how I had begged for it which was backwards and he was telling every guy about how he fucked me as if i was some trophy in a game. But sense then I can't do it anymore I can't do guys anymore, I'm afraid to be used, to be tossed aside for someone better, afraid to be hurt, afraid it's gonna all be fake, I'm afraid I'll be lied to by a guy just so he can get into my pants I'm so afraid to fall in love I can't ever tell someone I love them. I mean I loved him and he used me, but when he called me beautiful while we were doing it he said he wouldn't hurt me that he didn't wanna hurt me and he even went slowly cuz I was scared. Turnes out to all be fake in the end and I got hurt and that was the last time I was ever gonna trust a guy again. Then I found out I was pregnant with his baby but I lost that baby anyways, and I told the cops the situation between us and they said that it was manipulation, that I was coerced into doing what I did and I just didn't know what to do or believe anymore. I just can't put my trust in guys anymore besides all the good guys are taken anyways, and in order to keep myself safe as far as I know I tell myself no one could want me like that anyways,and I mean so far no guy has ever wanted me for more than sex it's just my brothers, that guy I fell for and an old classmate in high school beat them to it and I just can't get myself to ever trust a guy again not like that not even like a friend.

When you're broken, you're more vulnerable, and that's what idiots like that kid notice, I know because it happened to me too. They did it to me over and over again. But eventually you realize who's worth it, and they're not the ones who call you beautiful, they're the ones who see you at your worst and love you anyway. Right now might not be your time because you're vulnerable and you need help, so the partnership thing, so you can empower yourself and realize how great you really are. You're only 18, they haven't let you be a normal person. Not to have a life, you need a break and discover yourself, and in the future working inwardly what has happened to you you will have a good relationship, with a good boy and you will have sons and daughters if you wish.

 

[Teddybear]

…
Now I don't know what to do, i wanna tell my friends but I'm scared I don't know what to do because yes in a way I am still protecting my brothers because even though I'm telling the truth I feel like no one will believe me because my mother is good at manipulating others tricking them and guilt tripping them into believing whatever she wants them to. I mean she had others believing I was delusional …

I am not able to cope with my own childhood traumata, so take what I say with a grain of salt:

Secrecy is your primary enemy. Tell not just somebody, tell *everybody* about what happened to you (e.g. write a book about it).
What's the worst outcome? They'll think you are dellusional and they do that already anyway. :)

The truth shall set you free.

 

[7b48hl]

My god. This world needs to end. That's so evil, what's been done to you
Are you polish? Eliza is a common name in Poland and so is incest

 

[eliza23]

My god. This world needs to end. That's so evil, what's been done to you
Are you polish? Eliza is a common name in Poland and so is incest

sadly I am not polish, and eliza is just a screen name, my real name is rose and incest is a word that describes sexual activity between siblings. And while I do sometimes wish the world would end I think everyone deserves a happy ending and that's kinda the reason I'm not dead I mean sure nobody asked me but I wanna try and find a way for the world to get better and others to live happily like they've always wanted to, I've not yet given up but I think I'm getting there but I just hate what I've been through and it would kill me if the world keeps going int eh direction it's going in for much longer. I really just wish I had some sort of super power not to be a hero but to help others and still remain dead and invisible to the world. Just help the world but have them think they did it themselves so maybe they'd start to do better and do right by the world and themselves because if I am ever able to save the world I wouldn't do it for the credit fame or money I'd do it because of what I've been put through and I'd rather stay as invisible as I am today and be called crazy for the rest of my life as long as the world can become better and seem more alive than it is in this time and era. It's a stupid a stupid dream and something that will probably never become reality but I do hope so because I have this belief that everyone is connected and we all play a part in each others lives so maybe if I do one thing in one persons life and another in someone else's life then maybe it'd have a chain reaction and start a better tomorrow for the whole human race.

I am not able to cope with my own childhood traumata, so take what I say with a grain of salt:

Secrecy is your primary enemy. Tell not just somebody, tell *everybody* about what happened to you (e.g. write a book about it).
What's the worst outcome? They'll think you are dellusional and they do that already anyway. :)

The truth shall set you free.

 

[7b48hl]

Is there a family member you can stay with? You need to leave asap

 

[Teddybear]

Is there a family member you can stay with? You need to leave asap

Leaving is always better than dying.

 

[eliza23]

Is there a family member you can stay with? You need to leave asap

no I don't have any family to stay with, I'm actually already out, I made it out already the memories are the one thing that haunts me more than anything they still try to contact me and get me to come home but I refuse and I guess I'm doing alright now. I mean I almost died because I have type 1 diabetes and I had a really low sugar of 41 which is bad and seriously deadly. I'm sorta alright now but I don't know if I can do this alone like I am now.

 

[jodes2]

Time heals wounds they say, so you'll adapt and find someone so you're not lonely, I hope it's sooner rather than later, *hugs*

 

[Anonymus]

I can't help you... I don't know where you live, but where I live you would have been helped by a lot of associations that would show their face and fight for you, without a doubt this kind of thing is not allowed where I live and you defenders/res come out from under the stones.

If it had happened to me, I would simply go and ask for a job at an association like this to have all the necessary means to prevent anyone else from suffering what you have suffered.
Helping others often helps you keep your ghosts at bay and you gain a lot of strength and understanding towards yourself, which is what you need right now.

I leave you this link, I don't know if it will be of any use to you, but I hope you will take advantage of the contacts shown there so that someone can help you wherever you are:

Contact us

UN Women has its headquarters in New York City and works worldwide out of a number of regional, country, multi-country, and liaison offices.

www.unwomen.org

//

Jo no puc ajudar-te pas... no se on vius, però on visc jo t'haguessin ajudat un munt d'associacions que donarien la cara i lluitarien per tu, sens dubte aquest tipus de coses no es permeten on visc i et surten defensors/res de sota les pedres.

Si a mi m'hagués passat, simplement aniría a demanar feina a una associació d'aquestes per disposar de tots els mitjans necessaris per evitar que ningú mes torni a patir el que has patit tú.
Ajudar als altres sovint t'ajuda a mantenir a ratlla els teus fantasmes i guanyes molta fortalesa i comprenssió cap a tu mateix/xa, que és el que necessites ara.

Et deixo aquest enllaç, que no se pas si et pot servir de res però espero que aprofitis els contactes que s'hi mostren perquè et pugui ajudar algú allà on siguis:

Contact us

UN Women has its headquarters in New York City and works worldwide out of a number of regional, country, multi-country, and liaison offices.

www.unwomen.org

 

[Hollowillow]

II

I've already tried the cops they didn't believe me or help me anyways. But once I turned 18 I got out of there I'm moving far away soon enough. But I just can't see men the same way because I fell for a guy who only see me as a good fuck and to bad for me I didn't see that until after he fucked me, called me beautiful made me feel loved and then crushed me in the end. He was bragging about how he fucked me how I had begged for it which was backwards and he was telling every guy about how he fucked me as if i was some trophy in a game. But sense then I can't do it anymore I can't do guys anymore, I'm afraid to be used, to be tossed aside for someone better, afraid to be hurt, afraid it's gonna all be fake, I'm afraid I'll be lied to by a guy just so he can get into my pants I'm so afraid to fall in love I can't ever tell someone I love them. I mean I loved him and he used me, but when he called me beautiful while we were doing it he said he wouldn't hurt me that he didn't wanna hurt me and he even went slowly cuz I was scared. Turnes out to all be fake in the end and I got hurt and that was the last time I was ever gonna trust a guy again. Then I found out I was pregnant with his baby but I lost that baby anyways, and I told the cops the situation between us and they said that it was manipulation, that I was coerced into doing what I did and I just didn't know what to do or believe anymore. I just can't put my trust in guys anymore besides all the good guys are taken anyways, and in order to keep myself safe as far as I know I tell myself no one could want me like that anyways,and I mean so far no guy has ever wanted me for more than sex it's just my brothers, that guy I fell for and an old classmate in high school beat them to it and I just can't get myself to ever trust a guy again not like that not even like a friend.

I cringe when a guy call me beautiful instead to ask about who I am. Often try to assault me. I did self love & stayed single. But a vibrator. Cats even. Porn raised men wrong.

 

[freedompass]

II

I cringe when a guy call me beautiful instead to ask about who I am. Often try to assault me. I did self love & stayed single. But a vibrator. Cats even. Porn raised men wrong.

Hear ya. I hate that too. Well done for the self love! My life would have been so much better if I had sworn off sex from the start, guess I was already damaged from a child tho and ended up attracting more abuse. Anyway. I'm fine now, out of the meat market and much happier for it.