You shouldn't. You're not an evil person just because helping people is taxing on you. Helping people IS taxing. It doesn't mean you're weaker or anything. You know and understand your limits. And that's the first step to clarity. I went on a similar journey to find whether living on was worth it or not. I came to the conclusion that, while I'm a very talented artist, ultimately I'm too burnt out and jaded by life to stir up optimism for a future in it. I tried it already. I put faith in life, and it just turned to ash in my mouth. But at least I tried it. I just understand that, at my age and in this world, I can't find opportunities to make a living and do what I love. I love to volunteer, but it's taxing. And I've oftentimes ran into people who make it unpleasant and want to create hierarchy within it. Dealing with humans is just draining. So, don't be too hard on yourself for feeling the way you do.
I also am an artist; though I don't believe I am a talented one (even though art is so subjective, there are obviously rules and i feel like nothing comes intuitively to me, so i know i am not abiding by the rules and i imagine most "art" i make would be considered crude to anyone who knew anything about it).. i always try to convince myself that if i put myself out there, i could find people who would respond positively and create a community and living for myself.. i don't know why i have those thoughts. survival instinct, maybe. . i feel like i didn't even try. i wonder if i would feel better if i tried; i don't even know what it would look like to try harder than i am? but in my most earnest imagination i can't fathom it would turn out any other way than the same as yours; like ash in my mouth, really.
i think one of the things that makes me ache the most is the notion that i didn't even experience any fucking thing in life. i failed at anything and everything and didn't even get to try. it makes me wonder if i shouldn't just shut the fuck up and try to volunteer; i just.. i really needed a job, because .. i am struggling so much financially.. so i dont know how i could do something for free. but i also want to experience life so bad; like. anything. i guess. like, anything "normal".. .. i don't know. the reason i didn't want to volunteer was because i feel too much like i am like the people i am helping; i feel helpless and like i need so much, and i have no idea how i can extend myself in that way if im not getting something out of it. i don't know. holy shit i'm talking in circles, i am sorry.
I hear you, not being able to have something fulfilling to do with your life is devastating especially when you don't have the ability naturally. Finding employment is so hard these days, like it's not even worth it. I don't think you're a piece of shit because you'd rather die, I'm the same exact way. It's our choice at the end of the day to extend our hand, and nothing really matters in this life anyways. I've fed homeless people that grabbed the food from my hands and didn't even look at me again. It's a cold empty world, and if you're going to be loving, you need a big heart. Maybe my heart is just too small for that.
I wish you would be in a position where you are properly diagnosed because it's very important. I have Autism and Bipolar, and without knowing this my life would be messed up without me knowing why.
i lived in the slums of my city for 7 years and i just moved out like this year, and my rent is well over double what it was before, which is why i am struggling so bad and need a job so much worse than i did before (im on disability assistance)... man, living in the slummy area is exactly why i literally just cant go back to volunteer with homeless/needy people; i .. ugh, it's so impossible for me to extend any more of my heart to those people, and im so scared im just going to end up as one of those people one day the more i am isolated and struggling.. i had to get out of there, so i moved in with my boyfriend who sucks and then i moved out within a year but i couldnt go back to where i was before.. so im here, now, and im next to nature. it's lovely.. but i cant afford it. now im being told in order to get support with getting a job, i need to "volunteer', becauise im not employment ready.. idk how volunteering is goign to help me be employment ready if thats not like the reason why i cant work... ??? ugh.
i've found out on my own that i definitely have BPD; i went to the doctor and gave me the diagnosis.. it made a huge difference in my life once i found that out and i felt a huge weight off my shoulders to not feel so "crazy". i went in to so much therapy and did so much work on myself for so many years.. during which, my dad died (who was my main caretaker/guardian as i had an absent mother)- it was so important and serious to me that i figured out how to have a healthy life and i worked soooo hard and was doing well.. and yet somethign still felt "off". i was living the most "normal" life i'd ever had for about half a year.. i was excercising, i had some friends and i even had a job! but i literally couldnt hold it all together and just fell apart so bad one random day in 2019 for seemingly no reason.. and since then, in like .. 2022 or something, i realized i also think i have autism. it made SO MUCH SENSE to consider that. i have since been trying to get doctors to listen to me or care that i think i have this diagnosis and its why i struggle so much and i need support with it super badly, and literally nobody cares. i feel like if i could get a diagnosis or get the right kind of support for autism my life would change drastically. i think im going to kill myself because of my autism and borderline. i have been begging to get a doctor, going in to walk in clinics (in my province of canada the walk in clinics are disappearing at an alarming rate), i keep being turned away from everywhere and im just.. really getting the message that im not really even wanted, even if i wanted to try to live. i shouldn't try to want to live. i shouldn't be doing all these things to try to improve my life, because it's so so incredibly futile. i wonder if i do have autism, or if i'm just .. bad at everything. i'm just, not good. my heart hurts. i didn't want to give up on me. but i feel like im not supposed to care about myself because i dont know who the fuck else does. even my partner tells me they dont believe in me and that they can't tell me they believe in me, even though they lied to me about cheating and smoking for years when we first met and i dont know hahhhhhhh i literally am in pieces right now. i havent eaten for days. i dont eat very much because i have really brutal ARFID and a lot of allergies as well that have developed over my life and i have very specific "safe" foods, but i think i developed a soy allergy that seems prevalant in the last week.. which was very difficult to manage, but now also today my rice cooker broke, haha... i ... am oversharing, but i just.. there are so many things that make me think i have autism and the food is a huge one and now i cant eat and now my brain is melting and i dont know how i would ever volunteer and how am i going to survive this and i dont know how to make rice on the stove without burning andi dont know how im going to eat now and what even is punctiation
without a job, i will not be able to replace my rice cooker. it's just,... fate. intervening. reminding me i am nooooot supposed to be here.
