Imhopeless
Member
- Jul 24, 2023
- 19
I said in my previous post that on the day I choosed to ctb (new year's/my bday) my friends asked me to join them for a party, it never happened before, I was always alone on this day. I knew it was now or never, either I die January 1st 2025 at 00:30 or I continue to live.
I choosed my friends, I figured out they were preparing a surprise birthday party for me, I didn't wanted them to feel bad, like their efforts went to waste so I choosed to live on. I can't be more miserable. It hit me that I now will have to live till I'm old. I have try and look for people to spend the rest of my life with me. It's only 23 hours since my decision but I'm already regretting it like hell. I feel this empty void in my chest, It feels like its nagging at me that I made a wrong choice and now I'll have to pay the price.
While I was at my friend's place, because that's where they wanted to meet,I was left alone in the room for a few minutes, they gave me some excuse but basically they just went together to bring me a cake, while I was sitting there, I couldn't help but want to cry. When they sang me happy birthday I didn't felt happy, I just knew right there I made a wrong decision.
After some people went home and some fell asleep I was in a bathroom with my friend that I consider my closest. I was drunk and miserable, I had this urge to tell her that I could've been dead if it wasn't for them. I wanted to tell her about my original plan and just feel the weight being dropped off my shoulders. I was this close to do so but someone shouted for us to go to sleep already and I didn't tell her in the end.
I feel terrible, I know it's not their fault, I made the choice in the end. I wanted to enjoy their little surprise but I couldn't. Now I'm sitting at home, regretting that I am alive.
I know some will say that I can always attempt some other time but I cant. I knew it was this one specific date, the plan, the preparations, I can't do it again. It was then or never and I stupidly decided to go with what would be better for them and not for me. All I can do now is hope something else will kill me, when they told me to make a wish and blow candles I just hoped to die this year. I'm tired and I ruined my only chance. If I could go back in time I would choose differently
I choosed my friends, I figured out they were preparing a surprise birthday party for me, I didn't wanted them to feel bad, like their efforts went to waste so I choosed to live on. I can't be more miserable. It hit me that I now will have to live till I'm old. I have try and look for people to spend the rest of my life with me. It's only 23 hours since my decision but I'm already regretting it like hell. I feel this empty void in my chest, It feels like its nagging at me that I made a wrong choice and now I'll have to pay the price.
While I was at my friend's place, because that's where they wanted to meet,I was left alone in the room for a few minutes, they gave me some excuse but basically they just went together to bring me a cake, while I was sitting there, I couldn't help but want to cry. When they sang me happy birthday I didn't felt happy, I just knew right there I made a wrong decision.
After some people went home and some fell asleep I was in a bathroom with my friend that I consider my closest. I was drunk and miserable, I had this urge to tell her that I could've been dead if it wasn't for them. I wanted to tell her about my original plan and just feel the weight being dropped off my shoulders. I was this close to do so but someone shouted for us to go to sleep already and I didn't tell her in the end.
I feel terrible, I know it's not their fault, I made the choice in the end. I wanted to enjoy their little surprise but I couldn't. Now I'm sitting at home, regretting that I am alive.
I know some will say that I can always attempt some other time but I cant. I knew it was this one specific date, the plan, the preparations, I can't do it again. It was then or never and I stupidly decided to go with what would be better for them and not for me. All I can do now is hope something else will kill me, when they told me to make a wish and blow candles I just hoped to die this year. I'm tired and I ruined my only chance. If I could go back in time I would choose differently
