I Confessed.

[nzdarkshark]

I confessed to my mum about everything.
Plans, method, everything.
I'm sick and tired of lying.
So I confessed.

She was devistated, obviously. She doesn't want to lose me.
The professionals finally took notice of me for once - maybe because my school counciler sent them an email secretly telling them I have plans.
Whatever the reason; they decided to take me on.

This doesn't mean I want to live - because I still want to die. I just couldn't lie anymore. I've given up so much I told the truth. I don't have the strength to lie anymore.

My mum pleaded with me that I try to talk to the professionals, that her and my dad would also try to do their best to help me see hope.

I don't know what's going to happen from here - I guess I'll go and tell the truth from now on.

I don't know if this is recovery or prolonging my life a little, but if I'm going to leave this world and cause my family suffering, I at least owe them this.

If attempts at finding something to hang onto fail; I'll still be going ahead with Sn like I planned.
I'll still be around in the community giving my views on this and that. I love this community. It makes me feel...like I have people who really support me in whatever I chose to do.​

 

[onewayroad]

I haven't wanted to live for at least 20 years. The reason why I am still alive is that I think suicide should never be used as a solution to a problem that might be fixable otherwise. So I am trying every possible treatment and medication for my mental illness before I ctb. I think you're doing the right thing, and I think suicide is an option that everyone should have but it should always be the last option.

Try your hardest to fix your problems and take comfort knowing that if nothing works then you won't have to live another 60 years with those problems because you have a way out. That attitude helps me a lot.

Best of luck.

 

[Schopenhauer]

Lying all the time can take a toll, I know this. Good luck in this new phase. Only you can determine what's best for yourself.

One piece of advice that I'd like to give is to not do it half-heartedly. Try your best to turn your life around. If you fail, you fail, but at least you gave it your best shot. Anything else is just a waste of time.

 

[TiredHorse]

Try your hardest to fix your problems and take comfort knowing that if nothing works then you won't have to live another 60 years with those problems because you have a way out. That attitude helps me a lot.

This. Exactly.

One piece of advice that I'd like to give is to not do it half-heartedly. Try your best to turn your life around. If you fail, you fail, but at least you gave it your best shot. Anything else is just a waste of time.

And this.

FWIW, I think you did the right thing, @nzdarkshark. The honesty will serve you well, and if it does come time to ctb you can look at yourself in the mirror and be certain you explored every other path.

Honesty when it's easy is just what everyone does. Honesty in the face of genuine risk? That's courage. Kudos to you --and may you find both strength and peace.

 

[nzdarkshark]

I haven't wanted to live for at least 20 years. The reason why I am still alive is that I think suicide should never be used as a solution to a problem that might be fixable otherwise. So I am trying every possible treatment and medication for my mental illness before I ctb. I think you're doing the right thing, and I think suicide is an option that everyone should have but it should always be the last option.

Try your hardest to fix your problems and take comfort knowing that if nothing works then you won't have to live another 60 years with those problems because you have a way out. That attitude helps me a lot.

Best of luck.

Lying all the time can take a toll, I know this. Good luck in this new phase. Only you can determine what's best for yourself.

One piece of advice that I'd like to give is to not do it half-heartedly. Try your best to turn your life around. If you fail, you fail, but at least you gave it your best shot. Anything else is just a waste of time.

This. Exactly.

And this.

FWIW, I think you did the right thing, @nzdarkshark. The honesty will serve you well, and if it does come time to ctb you can look at yourself in the mirror and be certain you explored every other path.

Honesty when it's easy is just what everyone does. Honesty in the face of genuine risk? That's courage. Kudos to you --and may you find both strength and peace.

Thank you guys - your support means a lot to me.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I think it's great you opened up. I am of the opinion that it's always better to try and work on things, within reason. I was already suicidal as a teen, and then kept on finding a new rock bottom every so often, and 20 years later, I'm now utterly done. But that's not how it goes for most people. Many folks get a few lucky breaks and experience some form of turnaround. The point is, you've still got a chance, and now hopefully some decent support to go with it. Good luck to you.

 

[Empty Smile]

Best of luck to you. I hope it really works out for you. However your chips fall, I hope you find peace and wish you well.

 

[NewDelhiGuy]

Leave no stone unturned...
You did the right thing.

 

[Cain]

Schopenhauer put it perfectly. Constantly wearing masks around your family and friends well and truly does a number on the psyche. My profile pic's a guy called Kokichi Oma from the Danganronpa series who I identify with because he pays dearly for the lies he tells to everyone around him in an attempt to overcome an almost undefeatable adversary, much like what I do to try to hold my life together. I wouldn't go so far as to say I see suicide as always being the last option, because I think in cases where one is under extreme agony for an extended period of time, to the point where the contentedness one would feel after resolving the issue couldn't compete with the torture sustained reaching that point, suicide should be considered. Similarly to those above, I wish you all the best in your attempt at recovery and hope you find peace no matter the resolution.

 

[TheLastTrip]

It sounds like you needed to get it off your chest so well done for doing that. Now you can make your plans free of that guilt, whether that is to ctb or to see how things go.

And thank you for the email.

 

[NewDelhiGuy]

One more thing I would like to add, I hope I don't get banned for this, but you should stop visiting this forum as this forum is frequented by people who are about to ctb or in the planning to do so..
I still feel that life is beautiful and every effort must be made to make it so.
Blaming the world or society is escapism. Though I do it too and I admit my flaw..
I wish you luck,

 

[TAW122]

Wow, that takes a lot of courage and conviction to be able to come out like that. I would not even consider telling anyone for the fear of getting locked up against my will, having a stain in my medical records and background, which means I would be branded as a mentally ill person, thus affecting my employment opportunities as well as my 2nd amendment rights.

I'm glad that you working on recovery and if that's the path that you have decided to take, then I wish you the best in it.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I see suicide as always being the last option, because I think in cases where one is under extreme agony for an extended period of time, to the point where the contentedness one would feel after resolving the issue couldn't compete with the torture sustained reaching that point, suicide should be considered.

This is really sound advice, and I agree that people shouldn't have to put it to the very last option, but it should be an option when things get really bad that it can't be (feasibly) solved.

 

[nzdarkshark]

One more thing I would like to add, I hope I don't get banned for this, but you should stop visiting this forum as this forum is frequented by people who are about to ctb or in the planning to do so..
I still feel that life is beautiful and every effort must be made to make it so.
Blaming the world or society is escapism. Though I do it too and I admit my flaw..
I wish you luck,

I don't know if I can leave this community - you guys are just so...supportive and nice even though you are struggling you're the kindest people I've ever come across.

 

[NewDelhiGuy]

I don't know if I can leave this community - you guys are just so...supportive and nice even though you are struggling you're the kindest people I've ever come across.

I too feel the same about this community. However this forum in my opinion is conducive for someone who is going to ctb or looking for an appropriate method.
There is definitely somekind of unacceptance for the society and it's ways.. but one has to accept it and move on.
I too second that it is a wonderful community as we share something common.

 

[TiredHorse]

I don't know if I can leave this community - you guys are just so...supportive and nice even though you are struggling you're the kindest people I've ever come across.

I have never met so uniformly kind and compassionate a group of people in all my 49 years. It's pretty mindblowing.

FWIW, I'm thinking of leaving ss for exactly the same reason, but for opposite purposes: I have found my drive to ctb reduced by being here where everyone is so kind and supportive. It's difficult to leave the company of people who I can be completely open with, who don't bludgeon me with idiotic false panaceas like "go exercise!", "get out and meet new people!", "just look at everything that's going right in your world!"

People here truly understand that life is, for me, untenable. They understand that in a way no one who has not experienced that level of despair ever could. Even if they don't understand my reasons, they accept that what I am seeing is true to me because they have themself seen a similar truth. They can accept the "situational parralax" for what it is, and not try and force me to allign my perspective with theirs. That is an enormous relief, and it has served as a pressure relief valve that is making it difficult to ctb. Maybe that's a good thing --after all, if I can find a place where life isn't untenable, isn't that for the best? But I'm having difficulty deciding. I am confused.

All of which is to say that perhaps leaving ss isn't the best thing, Nzdarkshark. A supportive community where you can catch your breath is an asset, even when it's a bunch of suicidal loonies. If everyone here were saying ctb is the only way to happiness, that would be different, but no one here is saying, "you should ctb! It is the only true path!" They only ever say, "if you decide ctb is your only way out, we accept your perception of your situation, we accept that decision as your right, and we want to help make it as peaceful for you as possible."

Notice how many of us commended you for your decision to seek another path. Notice that no one has jeered you or condemned you.

But in the end, it is your choice --and since it is a much easier and more reverseable choice to remain or depart from a forum, I can say that with a smile.

 

[onewayroad]

I have never met so uniformly kind and compassionate a group of people in all my 49 years. It's pretty mindblowing.

FWIW, I'm thinking of leaving ss for exactly the same reason, but for opposite purposes: I have found my drive to ctb reduced by being here where everyone is so kind and supportive. It's difficult to leave the company of people who I can be completely open with, who don't bludgeon me with idiotic false panaceas like "go exercise!", "get out and meet new people!", "just look at everything that's going right in your world!"

People here truly understand that life is, for me, untenable. They understand that in a way no one who has not experienced that level of despair ever could. Even if they don't understand my reasons, they accept that what I am seeing is true to me because they have themself seen a similar truth. They can accept the "situational parralax" for what it is, and not try and force me to allign my perspective with theirs. That is an enormous relief, and it has served as a pressure relief valve that is making it difficult to ctb. Maybe that's a good thing --after all, if I can find a place where life isn't untenable, isn't that for the best? But I'm having difficulty deciding. I am confused.

All of which is to say that perhaps leaving ss isn't the best thing, Nzdarkshark. A supportive community where you can catch your breath is an asset, even when it's a bunch of suicidal loonies. If everyone here were saying ctb is the only way to happiness, that would be different, but no one here is saying, "you should ctb! It is the only true path!" They only ever say, "if you decide ctb is your only way out, we accept your perception of your situation, we accept that decision as your right, and we want to help make it as peaceful for you as possible."

Notice how many of us commended you for your decision to seek another path. Notice that no one has jeered you or condemned you.

But in the end, it is your choice --and since it is a much easier and more reverseable choice to remain or depart from a forum, I can say that with a smile.

I just wanted to bump this thread to say that this is so important.

So fucking important.

We are a 'pro-suicide' website that frequently encourages people to not ctb, and frequently makes people not want to ctb.

Why?

Because we are the only people that will be completely honest. A psychiatrist will never (unless you're in Belgium) say "You know what? Your suffering is completely untreatable. Let's discuss euthanasia."

We discuss suicide.

We don't fucking slap bullshit black and white rules onto a complex subject that differs in every single situation.

And that open and honest discussion HELPS people.

That is what suicide hotlines should be. That is what suicide hotlines have to become if they actually want to make a difference. And that is how society in general needs to change it's opinion on suicide if we ever want to make a difference in the lives of people who are suicidal.

Ok I'm done.

 

[TiredHorse]

There is no hope for therapy to be genuinely effective until suicide can be treated a a valid choice. If it is not a choice, rather than an embattled decision from which we dread being paternalistically dragged, how can anyone see that they might choose otherwise?

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Well done for coming clean. Ive been wrestling with the same decision and finally asked for help. The lying is just too much for me too plus how can we decide to CTB before exploring all options for recovery. Yes it may not work but i feel we owe it to ourselves to try at least, who knows what may happen and the option to CTB will still be there.

Goodluck

 

[TAW122]

I just wanted to bump this thread to say that this is so important.

So fucking important.

We are a 'pro-suicide' website that frequently encourages people to not ctb, and frequently makes people not want to ctb.

Why?

Because we are the only people that will be completely honest. A psychiatrist will never (unless you're in Belgium) say "You know what? Your suffering is completely untreatable. Let's discuss euthanasia."

We discuss suicide.

We don't fucking slap bullshit black and white rules onto a complex subject that differs in every single situation.

And that open and honest discussion HELPS people.

That is what suicide hotlines should be. That is what suicide hotlines have to become if they actually want to make a difference. And that is how society in general needs to change it's opinion on suicide if we ever want to make a difference in the lives of people who are suicidal.

Ok I'm done.

Absolutely golden post. Well written and pretty much drives the point straight home. I wish the US would take the Belgian example when discussing about suicide instead of the "suicide is a mental illness," "suicide is irrational", "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", or various other cliche bullshit that is purported around in society nowadays. I don't know if the US is capable of this in the future, at least I don't see it likely happen until our culture norms change, religious dogma removed from public policy and treated as a personal thing rather than it influencing societal and culture values, etc.

 

[Singing In The Rain]

Isn't it ironic how people on here are saying they feel less suicidal because they have an accepting community of people that they can be open to and talk about suicide and their problems without judgement?

Man, society could learn a bit from this forum and stop keeping suicide so taboo.

Who the fuck can you turn to when your suicidal, and open up about everything? Youll be lucky to find anyone like that in real life. So we keep it all inside and suffer.

I personally have made a rational decision to end my life and i only came here to find the most less painful method. The only thing I worry about is kids coming on here and getting ideas but thats up to parents to monitor.

 

[NewDelhiGuy]

To me suicide is a very big decision because of my family. The person who is going to ctb feels and understands the pain it will cause to his/her dear ones. But at times the misery of life overshadows the concern for the family.
And sometimes people choose to continue..
I may not find someone's reason good enough to ctb but at the end of the day I respect his right to die.
In India many kids commit suicide because they failed in exam or couldn't clear the entrance test.. they feel that it is the end of the world.. committing suicide for such reasons is actually a permanent solution for a temporary problem in my opinion.

 

[MAIO]

To me suicide is a very big decision because of my family. The person who is going to ctb feels and understands the pain it will cause to his/her dear ones. But at times the misery of life overshadows the concern for the family.
And sometimes people choose to continue..
I may not find someone's reason good enough to ctb but at the end of the day I respect his right to die.
In India many kids commit suicide because they failed in exam or couldn't clear the entrance test.. they feel that it is the end of the world.. committing suicide for such reasons is actually a permanent solution for a temporary problem in my opinion.

It's more accurate to say the person was already very stressed and failing an exam pushed them over the edge rather than they had a happy life than failing an exam made them commit suicide

 

[Dani Paradox]

You never know how things could change. Maybe you will suddenly see things in a different light and actually find hope somehow. I wish you the best.

 

[NewDelhiGuy]

It's more accurate to say the person was already very stressed and failing an exam pushed them over the edge rather than they had a happy life than failing an exam made them commit suicide

Life comes in phases, those kids need to be told not to be stressed over things like failing an exam, there is much more to life. On the similar lines there is much more to life than having a not so Goodlooking face or not having a girlfriend..
Socialising, family, friends can play an important role in relieving the stress instead of drawing the curtain and going deep in to the cucoon.
In my opinion one must do whatever it takes to explore all the options before ctb. Be it medication or any therapy. Leave no stone unturned.

 

[Lara Francis]

I confessed to my mum about everything.
Plans, method, everything.
I'm sick and tired of lying.
So I confessed.

She was devistated, obviously. She doesn't want to lose me.
The professionals finally took notice of me for once - maybe because my school counciler sent them an email secretly telling them I have plans.
Whatever the reason; they decided to take me on.

This doesn't mean I want to live - because I still want to die. I just couldn't lie anymore. I've given up so much I told the truth. I don't have the strength to lie anymore.

My mum pleaded with me that I try to talk to the professionals, that her and my dad would also try to do their best to help me see hope.

I don't know what's going to happen from here - I guess I'll go and tell the truth from now on.

I don't know if this is recovery or prolonging my life a little, but if I'm going to leave this world and cause my family suffering, I at least owe them this.

If attempts at finding something to hang onto fail; I'll still be going ahead with Sn like I planned.
I'll still be around in the community giving my views on this and that. I love this community. It makes me feel...like I have people who really support me in whatever I chose to do.​

You have shown great courage in reaching out and being honest with those that love you the most.
Take hold of their support and I genuinely send you well wishes on you road to recovery.you are always welcome here but take this chance and I hope things get better.it still may be a long road but at least you are not alone.hugs x