Venting I couldn’t go through with it

[eternallyluna]

I've had it meticulously planned out for weeks. I have my SN as well as all of the extras (please do not ask me for a source, now is not the time). I booked a hotel so I wouldn't traumatize anyone at home.

I'm in the hotel room now shaking and crying. The walls are so thin that I can hear the conversation of the people in the room next to me. I can hear their shower run and their toilet flush. There's mildew on the ceiling and the bathroom tile is dirty. Someone tried to hit on me in the hallway and called me a bitch when I politely said I wasn't interested. I fucking hate it here.

I feel uncomfortable and paranoid. I miss my bed. I don't want to die in a strange place. I won't be able to go through with it here which makes me feel like I'm even more of a failure. What kind of person can't even go through with their own suicide?

I know as soon as I get home I will regret not going through with it. Has anyone experienced something similar, or just wants to die at home instead of a hotel? I'm just feeling really alone and pathetic and would appreciate anyone sharing their stories. Thanks for listening

 

[Rymrgand]

I don't really have a story about that, but lots of people can't go through with their own suicide. Death is scary, and SI is hard to overcome. Just know that if you decide to stop, you are not worse or a failure. You are just a normal person. Nobody (besides a couple of assholes, I suppose) will think less of you if don't CTB today, both in SaSu and in real life.

In any case, it's your choice. Even if nothing bad will necessarily happen if you retreat for now, it's true that you may regret it.

I will probably also choose a hotel to do it, even if I really would prefer to do it at home, where I would be more comfortable. Sadly, doing it home is way riskier.

 

[rs929]

I think actually going through with it is the "anormal" thing. Your body wants to live.

 

[catfriend]

that's completely okay! i think one's own ctb must be treated with utmost gentleness -- if the time and place is unsuitable, one mustn't force it, lest they make their final moments on planet earth that much more miserable.

Has anyone experienced something similar, or just wants to die at home instead of a hotel?

the opposite for me -- my 'home' is so dreary! i don't want to spend my final moments there, nor do i want my body to be found there, either. i am favoring a hotel, presently... a nice one, though. clean and quiet. i am treating this second location as a sort of 'half-way house' between life and death.

wishing you peace, whatever you end up deciding to do. :)

 

[sis(s)yphus]

Hey there- you're not a failure because you couldn't go through with it. It's incredibly fucking difficult for people to overcome their S.I.. This is a personal opinion of mine, but I think all of us have to be in some sort of dissociative state to be able to harm ourselves at all, to overcome that base lizard-brain instinct of self preservation, even if we logically want to die (still not a pro-lifer). My dad slit his throat with a razor blade when I was a teenager, and I've often asked myself why I'm not as strong as he was, to be that determined to die and just get it over with already. Technically, any of us could take a kitchen knife, or find the tallest building near us and go out. But we don't, so I don't think it's as simple as strength and weakness. I couldn't go through with my last attempt either, when I used to be able to carve words on my body when I was a teenager. I want to die, but I can't even get myself to cut anymore. I've tried, and I can't. It's weird.

I'm guessing that the guy in the hall freaked you out (rightfully so), and then your brain was focused on whether you were safe in your place anymore. It, ironically enough, made you paranoid for your safety when you were going there to die. That sucks, and I'm sorry. I understand that feeling. A guy at my old apartment complex made my life a living hell for a year after he hit on me, and I turned him down. People threatened to beat me up, left notes on my car threatening to break all my windows, stuff like that. I didn't know that was gonna come from me just rejecting someone, because I wanted to be alone.

I personally am going to do a hotel also when the time is right. I'm sorry it didn't go according to plan, but you can always try again.

 

[starlights]

I think it's just your survival instincts kicking in. Ur brain and body are fighting you to live. If you can't do it don't beat yourself up for it. Maybe go home and get some rest if you can and get your composure back. When I was younger I sat on a bridge at the back of my hometown during lockdown and I couldn't jump the water felt like it was getting more and more violent beneath me. I couldn't do it so I sat there and cried on the bridge for an hour and then 2 women found me and I got taken to the hospital. I felt horrible and ashamed talking to all the doctors and nurses. Watching my blood get taken and tears being disappointed that I was still alive. I'm glad I am. The days that followed I was able to reconnect with people I couldn't have said goodbye too. I still feel like jumping sometimes but I know now that it wasn't my time to go then.

 

[catfriend]

I'm guessing that the guy in the hall freaked you out (rightfully so), and then your brain was focused on whether you were safe in your place anymore. It, ironically enough, made you paranoid for your safety when you were going there to die.

i think to myself, if i were in @eternallyluna's situation, my SI would be not only in response to my ctb (which is mountainous on its own), but also in response to the unfamiliar, unsafe situation. double trouble! who'd wanna go through with their plan in that environment?!

as an aside, i love your name and pfp. :)

 

[deadbidaylight]

Changing your mind is not weakness or anything to be ashamed of. It wasn't your time, and I also think that you should be 100% comfortable in your last moments on earth. I wouldn't have wanted to go in that instance either.

There will always be other opportunities if you still want to CTB. Make sure you're comfortable and have zero hesitation or regrets. You'll feel far more at peace that way.

No shame at all here. Nothing but love. Be kind to yourself during these murky waters. We are here for you.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

You're not a failure, be kind to yourself during this stressful time.

A lot of us have failed to go through with it while in your spot.

Sending love, sister.

 

[Warriorsfan]

I prefer to die at home.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I hope you find your peace. many people aren't able to go through with it. Many are. many have numerous attempts. It's going to be alright...

 

[eternallyluna]

UPDATE: After crying myself to sleep, I woke up at the crack of dawn in the hotel to the fire alarm going off. I had to evacuate and stand outside in the cold lol. Literally what is going on, I feel like I can't catch a break!

 

[eternallyluna]

Hey there- you're not a failure because you couldn't go through with it. It's incredibly fucking difficult for people to overcome their S.I.. This is a personal opinion of mine, but I think all of us have to be in some sort of dissociative state to be able to harm ourselves at all, to overcome that base lizard-brain instinct of self preservation, even if we logically want to die (still not a pro-lifer). My dad slit his throat with a razor blade when I was a teenager, and I've often asked myself why I'm not as strong as he was, to be that determined to die and just get it over with already. Technically, any of us could take a kitchen knife, or find the tallest building near us and go out. But we don't, so I don't think it's as simple as strength and weakness. I couldn't go through with my last attempt either, when I used to be able to carve words on my body when I was a teenager. I want to die, but I can't even get myself to cut anymore. I've tried, and I can't. It's weird.

Thank you for your reply. I have been thinking about your comment a lot over the past few days.

First off, I am so sorry to hear about your father. That is terrible and tragic and I can't imagine the pain that left you with. I also lost my father (though in a different way) so in some ways I can relate to you when it comes to loss.

I believe you're correct about humans having to be in a sort of dissociative state to pull the trigger so to speak. Leading up to my hotel stay, I was painfully suicidal. Crying multiple times per day and being unable to leave the house. But as soon I got to the hotel and pulled out my kit, it was like a switch flipped.

My mind suddenly made me….calm? And peaceful? I wanted to go through with it, but my mind tricked me into thinking I was fine and not suicidal. It was so strange. I sat on the hotel bed for hours with this odd sense of peace over me. My mind somehow talked me out of my plan and literally put me into a calm, peaceful, and borderline happy state that I haven't experienced in literally 3 years. As soon as I got home from the hotel my suicidal feelings came back, crashing into me like a freight train.

Thank you for your insight. It was truly a bizarre experience and your comment really validated my emotions. I believe that in order to go through with it, I will need to be a mental state where I'm not really in touch with reality and definitely dissociated.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Please don't be too hard to youself. Dying is a very difficult task, it's not easy at all. we're here for you!

 

[aiyuxhan]

there's nothing wrong with feeling the way that you do and you're not a failure. Please don't beat yourself up and give
yourself all the time you need. Death and overcoming SI is not easy o: