ForeverCaHa
Heartbroken Welshman
- Feb 16, 2025
- 395
I had planned to get the train to Cardiff this afternoon, check-in to the hotel, and go through with my plan tomorrow evening. But I couldn't get on the train. Not for fear of how my plans would impact my family and friends, but because I was too afraid to go to Cardiff. I haven't been there since my partner died, and the thought of being there again makes me feel sick.
However, when I got home, I handed over my SN to my mum. 6 hours of being sat in A&E later and I'm with the crisis team. The triage nurse had to take my blood pressure (standard procedure for all patients apparently), and she saw the scars on my arm from where I have been cutting myself. I felt so embarrassed, it was like someone had walked in on me naked. Fortunately the crisis team didn't ask to check my arms, I didn't want people inspecting me. Someone will be coming to my house tomorrow to follow up on treatment. I don't know how I feel. I'm just empty now. I feel ashamed that I couldn't go through with my plans, embarrassed to have admitted to being actively suicidal, embarrassed that I now have 'self-harm' on my healthcare records.
Even while being sat in the reception area I was writing my future CTB plans in my mind. In the future it will likely be harder to get SN, but it's still my preferred method. Failing that, there are other options available to me. Regardless of what happened with my partner, I still have the overwhelming belief that I will die by suicide, it's just a matter of time.
My day will come, but for better or for worse it won't be tomorrow.
I don't know what my relationship with this forum will be moving forward, but if I do become less active, thank you to everyone who has spoken with me. I've really appreciated the community here. My inbox will always be open to anyone wanting to chat.
Ironically, the crisis team gave me benzos. I wanted to laugh when she asked if I knew what they were. Finally I have them, but it's only after I lost the SN. Just my luck.
However, when I got home, I handed over my SN to my mum. 6 hours of being sat in A&E later and I'm with the crisis team. The triage nurse had to take my blood pressure (standard procedure for all patients apparently), and she saw the scars on my arm from where I have been cutting myself. I felt so embarrassed, it was like someone had walked in on me naked. Fortunately the crisis team didn't ask to check my arms, I didn't want people inspecting me. Someone will be coming to my house tomorrow to follow up on treatment. I don't know how I feel. I'm just empty now. I feel ashamed that I couldn't go through with my plans, embarrassed to have admitted to being actively suicidal, embarrassed that I now have 'self-harm' on my healthcare records.
Even while being sat in the reception area I was writing my future CTB plans in my mind. In the future it will likely be harder to get SN, but it's still my preferred method. Failing that, there are other options available to me. Regardless of what happened with my partner, I still have the overwhelming belief that I will die by suicide, it's just a matter of time.
My day will come, but for better or for worse it won't be tomorrow.
I don't know what my relationship with this forum will be moving forward, but if I do become less active, thank you to everyone who has spoken with me. I've really appreciated the community here. My inbox will always be open to anyone wanting to chat.
Ironically, the crisis team gave me benzos. I wanted to laugh when she asked if I knew what they were. Finally I have them, but it's only after I lost the SN. Just my luck.
