I couldn't quit my job

[suffering]

I told myself that I will quit today. But I went to sleep torn, reading about the global situation and fearing poverty. This morning, I read through my journal from a few years ago when I was unemployed and fearing homelessness. My younger self was telling me in CAPS LOCK not to quit my job if I get one. My younger self knows how much I hate working, how much I crave freedom and how irrationally hopeful I get get thinking that things would somehow work out for me. And the message basically was 'don't do it, I know you will forget how hard it can get, but it can get very very hard'.
So I didn't do it.
I don't know how much effort I can put into pretending I'm a good employee. I am not. I am disinterested, I get a visceral reaction of disgust every time I have to make intellectual effort. I don't even know anymore if I'm smart or not, because I feel organically unable to push myself to find out. It's ok. If they fire me, they fire me. But I will try to drag this dead horse around for as much as I can. Every month counts, as every month brings in another paycheck. I take what I can get.
Today I bought some new books to teach myself a new skill. I also plan to exercise. I've been doing this my whole life. Learning, improving, taking care of myself. Only to fail, over and over again. But I must tell myself that maybe this time is different. I have nothing else. And all this only because I can't overcome my SI. If suicide was easy, I would be looong gone.
I feel so god damn tired.

 

[KleinerWolf]

From what I gather,
you have a job and
you teach yourself new knowledge every so often, that's a commitment and investment for yourself,
Self-learning is an important quality successful people have.

Im not sure if you are looking for a new job within the same field, a different career or how you will approach it, you could even become an entrepreneur oneday and start your own business.

Working for others suck but most people go through this.
I think the end goal is to find a career you have passion for,
otherwise having made enough money in something you don't necessarily enjoy, then go on to start off your own business so that you work for yourself.

I like your strategy for keeping your current job until you find something better.
For now even if it only pays the bill, it's still something and you should give yourself some credit for it.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Don't self sabotage. If your work just gives you normal levels of existential dread, keep working and look for something else in the meanwhile.

It sounds like you are on the right track. Be mindful of not falling into the trap of self-improvement neurosis. Learn and do things you want to do and spend your free time without feeling guilty.

 

[Mitokondrium]

Oh my God I quit my first job 4 times and wiggled back all the time in a couple of minutes / an hour :D Its super difficult. Is there any improvement on your job situation?

 

[Painless_end]

Good for you for sticking around. I personally found it impossible to work full-time in an office. I lack the motivation needed but equally important, I lack the actual mental skills needed to work.

I actually worked in IT since my educational background is in computer engineering. But tbh, I just couldn't work my mind around the work pressure, politics, and the actual technical soundness needed to work full-time in what I did. I always felt I was a couple of mistakes away from being fired in my first job.

 

[Belit667]

I quit jobs several times. No biggie.You just leave during the day or don't show up on the next day. F**k this s**t.

 

[Linda]

I told myself that I will quit today. But I went to sleep torn, reading about the global situation and fearing poverty. This morning, I read through my journal from a few years ago when I was unemployed and fearing homelessness. My younger self was telling me in CAPS LOCK not to quit my job if I get one. My younger self knows how much I hate working, how much I crave freedom and how irrationally hopeful I get get thinking that things would somehow work out for me. And the message basically was 'don't do it, I know you will forget how hard it can get, but it can get very very hard'.
So I didn't do it.
I don't know how much effort I can put into pretending I'm a good employee. I am not. I am disinterested, I get a visceral reaction of disgust every time I have to make intellectual effort. I don't even know anymore if I'm smart or not, because I feel organically unable to push myself to find out. It's ok. If they fire me, they fire me. But I will try to drag this dead horse around for as much as I can. Every month counts, as every month brings in another paycheck. I take what I can get.
Today I bought some new books to teach myself a new skill. I also plan to exercise. I've been doing this my whole life. Learning, improving, taking care of myself. Only to fail, over and over again. But I must tell myself that maybe this time is different. I have nothing else. And all this only because I can't overcome my SI. If suicide was easy, I would be looong gone.
I feel so god damn tired.

You could regard your job as nothing more than the way you keep yourself fed, and you could live your "real life" outside your work. I think that is what most people do, at least to some extent. I had a successful career, it was interesting work and (up to a point) I enjoyed it, but I never regarded it as my main aim in life. The few people who do regard their job as the main thing in life often come to regret it. How many people say on their deathbed "I wish I had spent more time in the office."?

 

[Emily_Numb]

Most people don't actually enjoy their jobs. It's a means of income so they are able to do the things they enjoy outside of work. I feel as though you have a sort of opinion that you are better than the work you are currently employed to do. Might be wrong, but it's just an observation. Even if you believe yourself to be 'better' that the job and the people you work with, or you can't get a better job at a better place then it's not the case if you haven't done so. Sorry to be so blunt, but I've seen this so many time as someone who has employed hundreds of people over the years.

If you want to make a change then pick ONE thing to improve. Too many people try to do loads of big changes all at one and ultimately fail. If you want to learn a new skill, pick ONE new skill and stick at it for a month. If you don't enjoy it then try another. The older we get the harder it becomes to learn and relearn things So you need to keep at it.

One last point, now is absolutely not the time to be throwing employment away or not acting like a decent employee. In the UK we are heading for MASS unemployment because of Covid and a lot of people who have been furloughed will not have jobs to come back to. There are going to be hundreds, if not thousands of people in the marketplace soon looking for jobs and desperate to do a good job. I think anyone even considering resigning right now is absolutely crazy.