M
melonpan
Member
- Sep 9, 2024
- 18
I realized that there's probably never a day that I won't CTB impulsively. I save and bookmark all these plans but knowing me, I think I'd get scared to go through.
Jumping from a building/bridge, that sort of helplessness as you're grabbing at the air, accepting and knowing you can't turn back even if you want help, it seems a bit uncomfortable. Hanging yourself, the pain of it though I hear for some, it knocks them out near immediately. Drowning is definitely a no-go, survival instinct is too strong (for me) and if not, it'll feel equally as despairing as jumping, knowing that you'll die alone, just like that, you can't live. Taking SN sounds like something that would allow me to have time to think, and now I'll wish I never swallowed it.
Nevertheless, even while I have all these fears, nearly everyday (although it's getting much quieter with my new medicine, my mind feels empty until it wears off) I think about CTB. I think about the height of a building and wonder if I'll die, I think about going to a range and ending it, I think about jumping in front of this car or train, I think about ending it all right now, right here.
I'm scared of dying, even more so of a painful one, I have things I enjoy in life, I can be happy, I'm living a good life in fact, there's things I want to do, but, I still want to die and I don't know why.
Jumping from a building/bridge, that sort of helplessness as you're grabbing at the air, accepting and knowing you can't turn back even if you want help, it seems a bit uncomfortable. Hanging yourself, the pain of it though I hear for some, it knocks them out near immediately. Drowning is definitely a no-go, survival instinct is too strong (for me) and if not, it'll feel equally as despairing as jumping, knowing that you'll die alone, just like that, you can't live. Taking SN sounds like something that would allow me to have time to think, and now I'll wish I never swallowed it.
Nevertheless, even while I have all these fears, nearly everyday (although it's getting much quieter with my new medicine, my mind feels empty until it wears off) I think about CTB. I think about the height of a building and wonder if I'll die, I think about going to a range and ending it, I think about jumping in front of this car or train, I think about ending it all right now, right here.
I'm scared of dying, even more so of a painful one, I have things I enjoy in life, I can be happy, I'm living a good life in fact, there's things I want to do, but, I still want to die and I don't know why.