Venting I deserve to die

[LastShift]

I don't even know how to start. All my life, I thought I was a good person: doing good deeds, working in a union, participating in activist groups, etc. But recently, I've discovered who I truly am and how other people actually see me. I admit it: I'm selfish, a cheater, and careless with my close friends and family. When my partner was about to leave me, they opened my eyes, and I realized they were right.

I don't know. I just feel like crap and don't deserve to exist. The thought has always been in the back of my mind. I don't have a bad life, it's humble, but all my needs are met. Still, I've always felt this lack of will to live. Idk, my mind's a mess right now. I'm just putting words together.

Last year, I bought some SN, and maybe it's time to use it. Still thinking about it.

 

[Redacted24]

There's a saying: the first step toward wisdom is to call things by their right names

You've been gifted an insight from which many would benefit.

So the real question is, what do you do with this wisdom?

You may have been selfish, cheater, careless. But it doesn't seem that those were your intention. They were byproducts.

You were trying to be good and helpful.
Seems to me like it might help to separate the issues.

Your good intention was impeded by poor execution. That doesn't make you worthless or horrible. With the insight you've gained, you might try another approach to meet your intent.

People that have done badly and recognize it often are the most valued as they bring empathy to others - having seen both sides.

Just a thought. And you'll find lots of encouragement and support in this community. Just think it over, okay?

 

[cali22♡]

You definitely don't deserve to die.

 

[babouflo201223]

Je ne sais même pas par où commencer. Toute ma vie, j'ai pensé que j'étais une bonne personne : je faisais de bonnes actions, je travaillais dans un syndicat, je participais à des groupes militants, etc. Mais récemment, j'ai découvert qui j'étais vraiment et comment les autres me voyaient réellement. Je l'avoue : je suis égoïste, infidèle et négligente avec mes amis proches et ma famille. Lorsque mon partenaire était sur le point de me quitter, il m'a ouvert les yeux et j'ai réalisé qu'il avait raison.

Je ne sais pas. Je me sens juste comme une merde et je ne mérite pas d'exister. Cette pensée a toujours été présente dans mon esprit. Je n'ai pas une mauvaise vie, elle est humble, mais tous mes besoins sont satisfaits. Pourtant, j'ai toujours ressenti ce manque de volonté de vivre. Je ne sais pas, mon esprit est en désordre en ce moment. Je suis juste en train de mettre des mots ensemble.

L'année dernière, j'ai acheté des SN, et il est peut-être temps de les utiliser. J'y réfléchis encore.

Je pense exactement comme le membre « redacted24 ». Et s'il te plaît, ne sois pas si cruel avec toi quand tu dis que tu ne mérites pas d'exister. Je suis sûr qu'il y a aussi de la lumière dans ton cœur, mais le manque de volonté de vivre est quelque chose de très difficile et provoque des ombres et des sentiments erronés, par exemple que tu es juste égoïste et seulement ça. Et bien sûr, tu es plus que ça. Et tu reconnais que tu es égoïste, c'est génial. Mais il est possible que ce ne soit pas vraiment de l'égoïsme, juste que cela apparaît comme ça parce que tu es épuisé et que tu as peut-être besoin de quelqu'un pour te montrer la bonne et profonde version de toi-même . Gros bisous à toi.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

The thing is, "good people" and "bad people" don't exist. People are too complex to be categorized as either or. Even the worst people out there usually have their good aspects. You being selfish or a cheater doesn't take away from you also being an activist and doing good deeds. You aren't some character from a children's book, you are a complex human being with their own set of flaws. Even the best individuals you've ever come across have their own sets of undesirable traits. It's better to try and accept your flaws and look towards improving on them instead of taking them as a sign that you deserve death. Everybody is flawed. Everybody is selfish and careless in some capacity and everyone has hurt those around them, whether they are willing to acknowledge it or not. You shouldn't have to feel like this is something you need to kill yourself over.

 

[babouflo201223]

Le problème, c'est que les « bonnes personnes » et les « mauvaises personnes » n'existent pas. Les gens sont trop complexes pour être catégorisés comme l'un ou l'autre. Même les pires personnes ont généralement leurs bons côtés. Le fait que vous soyez égoïste ou tricheur ne vous empêche pas d'être également un activiste et de faire de bonnes actions. Vous n'êtes pas un personnage de livre pour enfants, vous êtes un être humain complexe avec ses propres défauts. Même les meilleurs individus que vous ayez jamais rencontrés ont leurs propres traits indésirables. Il est préférable d'essayer d'accepter vos défauts et de chercher à les améliorer plutôt que de les considérer comme un signe que vous méritez la mort. Tout le monde a des défauts. Tout le monde est égoïste et négligent d'une manière ou d'une autre et tout le monde a blessé ceux qui l'entourent, qu'ils soient prêts à le reconnaître ou non. Vous ne devriez pas avoir l'impression que c'est quelque chose pour lequel vous devez vous tuer.

Very wise and realistic !

 

[MetroPunk]

I was a miserable jerk for most of my late teens and 20's. I'm 32 now. I admit that people either loved me or hated me and it was entirely because of my behavior. People generally want to be around me until I start acting like "myself" or at least the self that I could see when I looked in the mirror. It's a disgusting feeling, not being ok with your own decisions and behavior. My solution: to cut absolutely everyone off, my oldest friends, my family. I separated myself from society because I felt society would be better off without me around. And what did that get me? No support system, no one around me that cares when something good or bad happens to me. No one to spend idle time with. That is a lame way to live. So now at 32 I am working on being the cool person people used to see me as when I was younger and less miserable and angry with the world. It takes my effort and conscious thought before making any kind of decision throughout my day. And it's working! My coworkers think I'm awesome all of a sudden, I'm making people laugh again. I was so funny as a kid and that disappeared for a while.

If you've been selfish, a cheater, and careless with your loved ones, I think they would appreciate you doing something selfless, fair and careful for them. Show them you love them and you see how you've been and how it has effected them. They love you they don't wanna lose you. Run to them not from them. That would be the greatest gift you can give them.

You can turn it around. None of this is set in stone. People go through things, people make poor decisions, people forgive.

 

[extremelytired1]

I don't even know how to start. All my life, I thought I was a good person: doing good deeds, working in a union, participating in activist groups, etc. But recently, I've discovered who I truly am and how other people actually see me. I admit it: I'm selfish, a cheater, and careless with my close friends and family. When my partner was about to leave me, they opened my eyes, and I realized they were right.

I don't know. I just feel like crap and don't deserve to exist. The thought has always been in the back of my mind. I don't have a bad life, it's humble, but all my needs are met. Still, I've always felt this lack of will to live. Idk, my mind's a mess right now. I'm just putting words together.

Last year, I bought some SN, and maybe it's time to use it. Still thinking about it.

How you are and how you're perceived are two different things. Also, it might be good that you've come to a realisation, but those are labels you might not necessarily deserve. I feel like if you look into the figurative mirror long enough you'll retrace your steps and realise you're actually not such a bad person after all. Hang in there