Venting I did bad stuff and enjoyed it and idk why

[coolgal82]

I won't go into it but like it was just bad but like i didnt actually hurt anybody, but that doesnt make it good. the worst bit is i felt good while doing it, it felt good, and i was like "hah those people that dont do this are missing out, fucking idiots smh"

honestly this was during a... weird? period of my life. idk how to explain it. my memory sucks so i cant like go into it fully but like it was around the time when i left a bunch of servers due to like conflicts in them that were entirely my fault but they just made me go "hmm these people that were good friends clearly dont respect me fuck them im out" but like.. i felt both good and bad about it? like i felt disrespected and i missed them after and i regret it but at the time it was also like "no im actually just re-inventing myself" because like i got more into politics and stuff which is what caused all the fights. idk alot happened around then. also like my sexuality kinda... changed? atleast like changed how it presented itself like my tastes in partners and shit changed dramatically (well thats a weird one cus i went from like embracing sexual stuff to then repressing it to then embracing it this way but like in a different way? then back to where i started at)

idk but basically alot happened around then. honestly its probably a similar amount as usual but it just felt like alot then idk. but the point is i did that bad stuff and enjoyed it and i just cannot begin to fathom why. when i imagine that stuff now it just feels so wrong and bad and idk why it just flipped like that or even when? i only did it for like a few weeks/a month really then kinda stopped and just idk. i wish i could look into my brain then and just get some answers as to what the fuck was wrong with me

 

[littleadonis]

I won't go into it but like it was just bad but like i didnt actually hurt anybody, but that doesnt make it good. the worst bit is i felt good while doing it, it felt good, and i was like "hah those people that dont do this are missing out, fucking idiots smh"

honestly this was during a... weird? period of my life. idk how to explain it. my memory sucks so i cant like go into it fully but like it was around the time when i left a bunch of servers due to like conflicts in them that were entirely my fault but they just made me go "hmm these people that were good friends clearly dont respect me fuck them im out" but like.. i felt both good and bad about it? like i felt disrespected and i missed them after and i regret it but at the time it was also like "no im actually just re-inventing myself" because like i got more into politics and stuff which is what caused all the fights. idk alot happened around then. also like my sexuality kinda... changed? atleast like changed how it presented itself like my tastes in partners and shit changed dramatically (well thats a weird one cus i went from like embracing sexual stuff to then repressing it to then embracing it this way but like in a different way? then back to where i started at)

idk but basically alot happened around then. honestly its probably a similar amount as usual but it just felt like alot then idk. but the point is i did that bad stuff and enjoyed it and i just cannot begin to fathom why. when i imagine that stuff now it just feels so wrong and bad and idk why it just flipped like that or even when? i only did it for like a few weeks/a month really then kinda stopped and just idk. i wish i could look into my brain then and just get some answers as to what the fuck was wrong with me

I don't understand anything you just said.

 

[coolgal82]

I don't understand anything you just said.

ok? good for you? i dont care?

 

[UnnervedCompany]

It's okay leaving relationships and servers if you feel disrespected. I kind of don't completely understand what you have done that is bad but ghosting people can sometimes be a good choice if someone deserves it. If it is not ghosting people that was "the bad stuff" then you should not be drained about it too much now. Everyone makes mistakes but it's the ability to mature and understand faults that makes humans special and good. It could have been you feeling repressed that made you enjoy doing the "bad stuff."

 

[SteamaHorns]

Not knowing what exactly the 'bad thing' is makes it very difficult for me to come to any solid conclusion, but one guess would simply be that during that period in your life that you seem to obsess over, you for some reason felt that you lacked or were in shortage of something. This would explain why you had what you described as a sudden 'flip' in doing the thing, and enjoying it. There are other possible things that I can guess but they all pretty much stem from this one.

 

[coolgal82]

It's okay leaving relationships and servers if you feel disrespected. I kind of don't completely understand what you have done that is bad but ghosting people can sometimes be a good choice if someone deserves it. If it is not ghosting people that was "the bad stuff" then you should not be drained about it too much now. Everyone makes mistakes but it's the ability to mature and understand faults that makes humans special and good. It could have been you feeling repressed that made you enjoy doing the "bad stuff."

that isnt the worst stuff but like even that is bad still, they didnt do anything to disrespect me i was just being like argumentative/an asshole it was entirely my fault, i just started drama and when they bit back (rightfully) i decided "hmm they dont respect me actually im the victim here fuck them im out" but like i was completely the one in the wrong idk how to explain it. also there was just other similar conduct. let me go find a message from one of them that explains it really

idk its really hard to accurately get the situation across especially because like people will ofc try and understand it in a way where i'm not 100 percent bad but like i was 1000 percent the bad party in that situation

 

[UnnervedCompany]

It's okay we do mistakes. Don't guilt or hate yourself for what you did it is okay and no one can always treat people perfectly. If you can try apologizing to anyone you wronged even if it might be difficult at first it will help you in the long run.