CuddleHug
Back, but with less enthusiasm. Hugs~
- Feb 22, 2020
- 259
I think I may have finally found a good psychologist. Well, I've seen her for 5 or 6 months now, but today was the first time I opened up about my suicidal ideation. We briefly touched on it a couple months ago, but I assured her I wasn't actively planning and so she didn't pressure me. That brief interaction gave me courage to tell her more today.
So basically what happened was that I decided a few days ago to risk getting hospitalized by telling her how much I want to die. I'd hate for it to happen, but I was prepared for that outcome. So when our session today started, I told her how I'm struggling to find motivation to do anything because I have no will to live at all. Like, why should I stop self-harming if I don't even see the point in living?
She took it surprisingly well. Obviously she was concerned, but not alarmed at all what I could tell. Instead, she tried to get me to elaborate on why I don't want to live. What makes me want to die? I don't have any clear answers yet, but we had a good session just talking about that.
Then towards the end, she asked the dreaded question; are you planning on doing something dangerous now? This is where I made the big gamble. I told her "no, no dates or anything set, but if we're strictly talking about plans, I have most of that ready for when I do want to go".
I knew from before that she wants to understand, not judge, and that she really cares about her patients. What I did not know was that she also trusts her patients. Her reaction was more or less "okay, I think I can see what you mean, but can you at least promise me you won't do anything until (our session) next week?"
And that was it! She will check in on me through email on Friday and then Monday (it's Wednesday today for anyone reading this in the future), and I had to promise to contact her if I get "worse". No forced hold or anything (don't really think we have that here, but forced hospitalization is possible).
We chatted a bit more about hospitalization and her stance was basically that she'd only bring that up if she was very concerned about immediate danger. She also knows it can be detrimental to recovery if not done right, so it's a last resort for her. Well, she did ask if I wanted to and I gave a BIG NO of course!
I'm so happy I have her. After years of not getting any help, and having bad experiences with mental health professionals, I finally have someone who listens and tries to understand me. Perhaps this is actually a chance to recover. Not sure if I'm ready, but I'll try.
If you read this far, hugs~~~
So basically what happened was that I decided a few days ago to risk getting hospitalized by telling her how much I want to die. I'd hate for it to happen, but I was prepared for that outcome. So when our session today started, I told her how I'm struggling to find motivation to do anything because I have no will to live at all. Like, why should I stop self-harming if I don't even see the point in living?
She took it surprisingly well. Obviously she was concerned, but not alarmed at all what I could tell. Instead, she tried to get me to elaborate on why I don't want to live. What makes me want to die? I don't have any clear answers yet, but we had a good session just talking about that.
Then towards the end, she asked the dreaded question; are you planning on doing something dangerous now? This is where I made the big gamble. I told her "no, no dates or anything set, but if we're strictly talking about plans, I have most of that ready for when I do want to go".
I knew from before that she wants to understand, not judge, and that she really cares about her patients. What I did not know was that she also trusts her patients. Her reaction was more or less "okay, I think I can see what you mean, but can you at least promise me you won't do anything until (our session) next week?"
And that was it! She will check in on me through email on Friday and then Monday (it's Wednesday today for anyone reading this in the future), and I had to promise to contact her if I get "worse". No forced hold or anything (don't really think we have that here, but forced hospitalization is possible).
We chatted a bit more about hospitalization and her stance was basically that she'd only bring that up if she was very concerned about immediate danger. She also knows it can be detrimental to recovery if not done right, so it's a last resort for her. Well, she did ask if I wanted to and I gave a BIG NO of course!
I'm so happy I have her. After years of not getting any help, and having bad experiences with mental health professionals, I finally have someone who listens and tries to understand me. Perhaps this is actually a chance to recover. Not sure if I'm ready, but I'll try.
If you read this far, hugs~~~