Ber0
Quiet
- Dec 27, 2020
- 49
I fucked up. This may be long. There's this girl. Well we met online in October of last year by complete chance. To define the chances of us meeting, should've been impossible. But it was a good thing, we got along quite well. At the time I was just hanging out and enjoying her company. She wasn't like a super close friend or anything. I just loved hanging out, her voice, her humor, she was always upbeat, and super cute of course. But I never pursued her like that. For a quick reference, my thinking and preferences are asexual and I'm demiromantic by nature. If you wonder what that means, I don't get that "love at first sight" feeling, and it can take months/years or extreme closeness for me to feel anything towards someone romantically. As well as I was not personally looking for a relationship, sexually or romantically, there was simply no desire or plans for it.
And to give some further aspect as to my personality without writing my life story, I'm an INFP-T, Enneagram 2w1, and for those of you who read into zodiacs, Moon: Cancer | Sun: Scorpio | Rising: Pisces. If you want some personality on her, ENFP, she's a Pisces. Anyways, continuing, although she and I became involved later on, she was, at the time, not even on my radar like that if that makes sense. She was just a friend I liked. Anyways, we all (My two other friends included) would hangout together and played games. We became pretty close friends to a decent degree. All of us had a good time together. Over time, and more quite soon after she met me, maybe 2 months or so, she said she fell in love with me and who I was, my looks, my personality, all of it. She said that she appreciated me the most because I never saw her sexually or in a way that was superficial, I cared about her for her, and she hasn't had that. Fast forward to February 2022, and she was dropping hints all the time, etc. But I wasn't seeing it. And so she kept talking on and on and on to my 2 friends about it. And it got to the point where they were gonna say "Hey if you don't tell him, we're gonna". And so anyways, shortly after Valentines day, we happened to start talking more because my friend told me that she had something to tell me. And I brought it up and said "Hey my friend x says that there's like something you wanted to say?" It was Feb 20th, and she basically told me everything there. And she said that she didn't want to tell me because she was scared of ruining our friendship or being rejected. But nothing could be further from the truth. It was the happiest day of my life and I'll cherish it forever. I've never felt so happy truly. I was grateful and honored that she even felt like that. Just know that it was the happiest day of my life and I literally could not believe it for at least a full week.
But as I got to know her more, things were not as she had portrayed. It wasn't a bad thing so to say, but simply she only shared her situation once we were close. So, here's her situation.
Trigger Warning: (All)
And I didn't know how to handle it, so actually things were a little rocky. Finding out more about each other, I know that many people are well educated on the "honeymoon" phase of relationships. Well it was just rocky, we really broke through our "idealist" mindsets. I wasn't the lighthearted person she was looking for, and she wasn't the in-depth person I was wanting. So the problems were that I would always try to "fix" things. Always confronting her on heavy topics and trying to work with her on stuff. And our love languages didn't match either. Hers is like Money, Acts, Gifts. Mine is Intellect, Focus, Gifts. I crave extremely deep thought and such. Her romantic feelings come from just spending normal 1-1 time together playing games and such. But anything deep all the time drains her. And I didn't realize that until we talked about it. So of course, I love her, I adjusted and was spending more 1-1 time with her. And I came to accept that with her trauma and such, she really just has a hard time expressing herself or even her own life is so draining, that she just doesn't have any energy emotionally left over. But as I said, I loved her, I adjusted and was ok with all of that.
So anyways, a side note here, we did actually meet up. Turned out we lived in the same state, only like 5h away. She was super shy IRL but it was overall a really good thing, we had a lot of fun. Anyways just a side note, back to it, the other problem was that I couldn't stop trying to fix stuff. We did actually work on her drinking, the ED, and SH. And she actually made a ton of progress. I think maybe she fell back into it now, but I'm not sure entirely. But regardless, they say you can't love someone and be their therapist too. I found out why the hard way. Bringing that stuff up all the time, it was draining. We were both becoming bitter and both drained, she was avoiding talking and hanging out from the dread and stress of always confronting heavy topics, and I was bitter at the avoiding. And we eventually talked about it and just agreed that it was harming the relationship too much. It almost ended there actually. It was close. Not that we didn't love eachother, but it was too much. So I agreed not to bring that sht up anymore and to just hangout and love her for her, no more problems or fixing or therapy stuff. And that the only time I would talk about things in hard-depth like that would be if she needed to talk or specifically asked to. And things went back to normal. We were back to talking, hanging out like before. Things were really good. We watched movies together, including "To The Bone" which was about ED and was close to her. We literally shared our entire life story with eachother and knew all of our closest secrets, all of our deepest trauma. I've genuinely never been closer to another human in my entire life. She talked about getting a job and maybe being able to finish school in the Summer, things were seriously feeling better. I thought things were good. She seemed optimistic and happy. For a time reference, it's been 2 months since she told me how she felt by this time.
And she was asking questions lately like why I try to help people, my stance on suicide (pro-choice), and why I didn't love this other girl. Not in a bad way, but just "Hey Ber0, why didn't you fall in love with that other girl?" And for reference, there was this girl I met, I'll go ahead and explain it. But basically we also met online, and we were hanging out all the time, watching movies, sharing stories, she was also Ace and INFP. And we just got along well. But I didn't know that she had developed romantic feelings towards me, and as you might remember, I don't feel like that towards anyone just "like that". So I never saw her like that. It's not to say we didn't match or she wasn't pretty or anything. I simply didn't see her like that. And she also hid it from me. Idk if she was scared to tell me or what, but yeah. So I met her around the same time. In November. So by the time girl 1 (the one I fell in love with back) told me on February 20th, how she felt, I had known them both for about 3-4 months. And girl 2, the other INFP, I thought of her as a close, trusted friend you know? Like a wingman. We told eachother everything, from day to day stuff, to life plans. And you already probably know where this is going. I told her about the other girl and what had happened. It was like a "Yooo guess what happened????!?!?!?!". If you want a different explanation here;
Friend 1, 2, and 3. | F1 loves F3. | F2 loves F1. | F1 doesn't know that F2 loves him. | F1 tells F2 that F3 and him, both love eachother. |
So she acts happy and supports me of course. And she had mentioned previously she made a guy friend online, and I was all like "yoooo hell yeah go after him you got this :D". And I genuinely didn't think anything of it. Long story short though, the same day Friend 3 and I met IRL, she messaged me and said "Ber0, I need to tell you something and honestly I'm really scared to tell you this, but it took me this long to muster up the courage. Ber0 I like you. And I mean that in a romantic sense. And honestly idk I just feel hurt about this whole thing. Idk, I just don't feel I can be your friend. I thought I'd get over it over time. But I just realized I couldn't. Idk it's just too painful. I'm sorry."
And that hurt a lot. I genuinely never knew she felt like that. But I also know how much it hurts, unrequited love. And I respected that.
Her: I don't know if I completely want to cut off all contact, but I do know that I need some time away from you. I don't want to stop being your friend, honestly, I'm afraid I'll lose you when I leave. I want to talk to you again when I feel better but I don't know if I'll have the courage to face you again, or if you'd want anything to do with me by that time. I guess I'm scared of what's going to happen next.
Me: "Had I known how you felt, I would've been clear with my feelings, as well as I'm sorry for telling you about that other thing. I seriously didn't know. But as far as things go in the scheme of life. I never had romantic feelings like that and I simply see you as a very trustworthy friend. Whatever you need, I'll be there to support you, even if it's parting ways. I seriously just want the best. You don't need "courage" to face me. You're already honest and reliable and courageous by telling me how you feel. I'm simply going to be there for you and support you no matter what happens. You didn't scare me off or worry me. I'm sorry to have upset you. But I care about you as a friend, and whatever you say you need, I'll help you."
Now I know the bit about clarifying my romantic inclination towards her may have been blunt, but for me, it just wasn't the time to play with feelings or beat around with words. So that was my intent there, not to be harmful intentionally. Anyways, it's in the past. I promised myself to give her the space she requested and I haven't messaged since. Neither has she, but she also hasn't unadded me. So it's been 6 weeks since that day, I'm still just giving space, maybe forever I suppose.
Anyways, I explained all of that to her, (the girl I'm with now), and explained my romantic nature and how I didn't see her that way. And that's why I didn't fall in love with the other girl. And it sounded like a wistful "I wonder how it would've turned out differently, I wonder if he would've been happy" kind of way. Looking back now that's how I see it anyways. Asking me my stance on suicide, why I didn't meet someone else, and if I wanted to lose contact with someone or talk to them if they killed themselves. Looking back it seems a bit obvious why right? But at the time, like I said, she was sounding so optimistic and hopeful. I thought things were improving. And we were in the middle of sharing deep stuff and life stories. So it was just kinda offhand questions that blended in.
And a few days after that, when I woke up last Sunday, I just had this overwhelming feeling of love towards her. I'm not sure why. I woke up and just had that feeling of love where you want to run around to random parking lots and just scream you love this person. That cheesy sht you see in movies. But I got kinda busy, and I figured I would wait until night when we spent some time together. But we never did. Not in that way. I was playing games with my friends and she joined the voice chat and just was hanging out. And then she left and I asked where she went, and she said to throw up and I just figured it was one of her ED problems. She has a hard time keeping things down and such as you may imagine. Anyways, I just didn't feel right. I don't know why, but I told my friend to stay up with me that night. And I stayed up several hours past when I was gonna sleep on the off-chance she messaged again. And she did. 2 hours later at 2am (3am for her). It was her apologizing over and over and over.
For reference markers she is 1, I am 2
1: im sorry
2: it's all good why be sorry :( don't be sorry
1: i'm sorry
2: there's genuinely no reason to be sorry. Seriously ILY, if you're getting like I was last night, just know that I'm not upset or anything. 0 reason to be sorry.
please get some good sleep and I'll message you in the morning :)
1: im sorry
2: "1" it's seriously ok :( please don't apologize more. I cherish everything about you and all of the time we spend together. You didn't do anything wrong.
I promise you, you literally did nothing wrong. I'm not upset or anything. I swear.
1: i know, im just saying
2: Well for whatever's in your mind that you're apologizing for, I forgive you.
1: promise
2: I promise
1: thank you
2: I don't break promises in life.
1: im sorry, i love you
2: If I promise something, I didn't mean it lightly. I love you too, truly
1: have a good night okay? thank you for everything
And as soon as she said that ^ I knew what was going on, I was no longer going to sleep
2: Actually, can I call for like 5 minutes? I wanted to tell you something
1: oh, i'm sorry i, should go but, i'm, i'm sorry, i love you, i really do, i'm sorry.
2: Can I tell you tomorrow night? even if we never spoke again, there are some things we want to tell people we love.
1: im sorry, i don't, think i'll be able to, but, it's okay, i love you, im sorry
2: Get on a call with me. I've never asked anything from another human. But I'm asking you to please let me talk with you vocally as a last request
1: why
2: I can see it in your speech and tells and emotions and mood, things aren't ok right now and I know they aren't
1: you'll be okay and everything will be fine
2: you can hate me or block me, but as a last request, I'd like to talk for 5 minutes
1: okay
2: I'm gonna start a call
We talked for about 20 minutes. During this time I was just trying anything to keep her talking. I decided to read a letter I had planned on giving her 2 weeks later as well. Not the full thing. But it was how I felt about her. I thought that maybe I could change her mind. And so I was launching into story after story trying to keep her attention on the conversation and she kept just saying "I have to go". And I just knew I wasn't able to convince her. So I just told her that I felt like I was running towards her, and I wasn't going to make it in time. And I told her that I was glad to have met her, and I told her what she meant to me as a person, and that I was grateful to have known her. And I told her I would let her go. And we both lied about seeing eachother the next day, and said we loved eachother for the last time.
And from there we hung up and launched into a long hour long typing conversation back and forth. I cannot make you understand this enough, I have never "pleaded" with another human to not do something. If there was a definition as to pleading, this conversation would be it. I genuinely would've traded anything in my life including my life to change her mind. Nothing is too much for her. I would've given anything. And in reference to the "plan" you might see referenced. I was planning on meeting her again in 2w, I had even bought her a gift just the day before this. The long-term plan was that I would move closer, get a real job, and help her with finances. Finances are her biggest stressor in life along with her living situation. I wanted her to get through school, find a job she loved, and get her own place. And I wanted to help her do it. I genuinely just wanted her to live a life she could enjoy. But the conversation after the call went like this.
1: april 24th, it's been a year, i've gone 365 days, and every single one i thought about how i'd do it and when, i gave myself a year, i thought it would get better, it go so much worse, 365 days, and i couldn't have one peaceful one, i'm sorry for everything, i wanted to be better towards you, i always tried my best but, i know i failed in a lot of areas, my mom knows and everything so i'm, kind of all set
2: you were the best, you never had to do anything else
1: i did, im sorry i couldn't, thank you, have a good night, everything will be okay
2: I'm not done yet. I'm running as fast as I possibly can towards you, it would be selfish to ask you to keep going for just a day longer
1: i gave 365 days of "make it through tonight" i just don't think whatever life is is made for me, a mistake i ended up here really, i cant hurt anymore, and i cant find anything else to stop it, you should get a letter though, and i hope it explains how i feel as much as i want it to
2: I will not forgive myself if I don't do everything I can in my being as a human to help you. And I still have everything to give, so I'm not done.
1: you did, it's not your responsibility, or anything under your control, forgetting is the easiest way really, i hope everyone does, you gave me so much, you were more than enough, in every aspect
2: I'll be moving over, I'll be supporting you, I want to make a life with you. You're so meaningful in this world. And you have so much to see and do in life. You deserve everything. We can make it over this shtty hill and see there's more to life, I've seen people make it over this shtty fking hill
1: im sorry for getting involved when i knew i had a time limit, a year, it's been a year.
2: you're not alone in this struggle. I've seen so many people
1: ok, goodnight, 2. i love you.
2: I wish you would give me more time. To let me walk into the fire and help you more
1: i gave time, a year, and all i've done is gotten worse.
2: I hadn't even met you then or known you
1: you're not going to save me, i've been through this cycle, everyone wants to help so bad, as much as it sucks, you cant. and i cant help myself. so here i am
2: There's no way they've given you what they could. All I've seen are people hurt you or leave once they couldn't fix it
1: please 2 just forget about it okay. Forget everything, i love you, get some rest tonight. try not to worry. i know you think i am but i promise i'm not worth it. im not the girl someone will marry or who would be a good mom or who deserves to be treated like a princess. im not that person. once you realize that it'll be easier.
2: I'm not forgetting. There's so much to give you. Please. Why can't you give it more time. Let me walk into your life. I'll get you out of there. Your own apartment, job, life. I'll pay for whatever you need. Medicine, (her cat), Therapy, etc. I have so much in life others dont If you would just give it more time, you'll see that things can change
1: nothing is worth feeling like this, 365 days. i gave it that. i don't have more time to give
And this continues for awhile longer. The last message to me was this and the med she took.
2: we're moving you out, your own apartment. Getting you that degree in life. Getting you a nice job. I have endless resources to give you and you won't let me. You've entrusted a year to life and other people but those people didn't give all of themselves to you. And some of them hurt you instead , entrust 8 hours to me please, it's the last thing I'll ever ask you, I'll talk to you for each hour if you need. But I'm heading over right now
1: don't, im, going to bed now, diazepam.
And I didn't know what to do. I was having an extreme panic attack and what I did next broke all of my own moral code surrounding this. Listen, it's easy for me to say I'm pro-choice. It's easy to support you all in your decisions. I spent a considerable amount of time each day here from Dec 2020 to - Feb 2021. I was in a situation like hers. And I talked with people here, weighed in on philosophy and stuff of this. And I decided I was firmly pro-choice, and still am sort of. I'm struggling with the idea now. The bottom line is it's really easy for me to say that I was pro-choice, until it was someone I loved and cared about. I can't tell you what it felt like. It was an extreme confliction.
So I got on the phone and called 911, which transferred me over to her city police, then to her county sheriff, and to a paramedic. And I told them all everything and her address and their questions. And at this point, blinded by everything, I was driving 150 down the highways already. But a friend of hers messaged me beforehand while all of this was happening.
Him: is 1 talking w you?
Me: get to her
Him: i was trying, she doesnt want to hear from me
Me: hert house, fuck thst, her house, now
Him: fuck
And I pulled over and realized that you know, I would never make that in time. And it was out of my hands. The authorities admitted her and I went ahead and covered the next 4w of her pay because I figured she might lose her job (she did). Her friend kept me updated over the next 3 days. And I personally just wasn't doing well. I wasn't eating, sleeping, and I lost all feeling and motivation to do anything. For the first day or so all I did was cry, it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced in life. And after that first day I just couldn't feel anything anymore. It was like all my emotions just zeroed out. I didn't even cry when thinking about what happened. My therapist later said that I had "Dissociated from reality as a rudimentary way of a coping with severe trauma". And let me explain how this all sits with me. Because it didn't end there.
So after making that phone call to 911. I freaked out on my 2 friends that I mentioned earlier at the beginning. Our gaming friend group. I thought things, the dynamic, would change and I sent them this long cryptic message about what happened and ironically, this message changed things. My one friend was upset. And my second friend got mad at me and said that I was to blame for what she did. And so I got mad at him and said sht that I knew would hurt him and piss him off. The bottom line is I shouldn't have been messaging anyone or anything in such a bad state. I was having a panic attack and freaking out, and I just shouldn't have.
2y ago, I was in the same mindset as her. Basically here's what happened. She gave it 1 year and said that if things don't get better, it was over. Now I did the same thing before. But my life improved. I didn't know that April 24th was her date. I genuinely thought I had so much time left to help her and that things were improving. But I can tell you right now, if 2y ago, I decided the opposite and someone had stopped me. I would've felt betrayed, angry, upset, hate. I would've thought "if you really loved me you would've let me die". I went directly against her wishes, I broke my own moral code. Everyone said "you did the right thing". Nothing feels right.
The bottom line is she didn't think things could change, and I did. And I took her choice from her, which personally, is unforgiveable. It doesn't stop there.
The psych place she went to. I'm sure there are dozens of people here that can tell me what they've experienced. She got out Wednesday, let me give you a look into what happened when she got out. And calls placed below were from her friend on her PC in order to stay in touch with me.
started a call that lasted 8 minutes.
started a call that lasted 6 minutes.
1: why call i was in a psych ward lol, almost got raped
2: (Friend x) initiated those calls from your PC. I have no clue what to say I'm so sorry I seriously don't know what to do or say
1: ok, i feel more suicidal than before, i appreciate u being worried, but i'm actually fucking traumatized
2: There's nothing right about what I did, and I'm sorry. I just need to know what you need right now. Is someone with you, are you with someone you know like your Mom or Dad or Ivan? Is there anyone there that you can talk with?
1: i don't need to fucking talk, i needed to not have to go through that, and not be on antipsychotics, but here i am
2: I know, I do. I'm just here. I know what you're saying. I know you don't need to talk, I just can't do anything else. If there's something I can do that will help, please let me know.
1: i don't care you don't understand what fucking hell i just went through you cant even fucking imagine. forgetting the fact i was hallucinating and they have me on antipsychotics now, someone shit on the floor and it wasn't cleaned for a day, i didn't sleep, i ate once, i had 2 schizo roommates one who pissed in my bed, and constantly being fucking terrified bc of the men there. You will never understand the hell of what that shit was. im also fired and need to find a new job and all i want to fucking do is rest
1: i lost my job bc of it too, so now i'm fucked, my entire life, is fucked over, i have to build from the fucking ground up when before i at least had a foundation
2: I'm not saying to find a job rn or that you have to ever. Please just know that I get what's going on. I know that I'll never fully understand as a human what you just experienced. I hear all of what you're telling me. My plan wasn't even to message you until you did because I felt like it would be good to give you space. I'm seriously sorry. I only said that because I just wanted you to know that monetarily, you at least have a cushion to just breathe on for a moment or two, I'm gonna stop messaging and give you space, because I truly know that you need to breathe and readjust, I genuinely get it. I just want you to know that I'm here. But I hear what you're saying, and I'm going to give you space.
1: im just stressed im sorry, i feel a bit better i got some off my chest
2: it's bad to say "I get it" rn, but I understand what you're telling me. If you need to vent at me or anything I'm here for it.
So that's basically where we're at. She wanted me to join a call with some friends, but I kinda haven't smoothed things over (with that friend I mentioned) and I told her it would be socially awkward with him, rlly fked up.
1: i feel better now
2: I'm seriously glad :) but also, I just wanted to say that I'm genuinely sorry
1: it's okay, there were good parts, made some damn good friends
2: that's good to hear
1: yeah, now i feel lonely lol
2: I saw you found a friend though right? I think (x) it was?
1: mhm! the other 2 haven't gotten discharged yet
2: ah ok, well at least you'll be able to talk with them again
1: mhm
Nothing is ok though. I just don't know what to do. It's not like I intended to get her in there or lose her job or have that happen. I didn't even think of repercussions when calling 911 or psych wards or jobs or anything. I feel like the only way I'll ever consider what I did as the "right" thing, is if things actually improve.
But I fucked things up with my 2 friends, I just talked to one today, but it's still rough. I brought her back, for what, my own selfish desire? So she could suffer more? What happens now? I just go "Oh hey again hi yeah sorry for bringing you back into a painful existence". I mean what happens now? I can't just move on from this. First of all, she has all these problems to deal with again, she didn't expect to even live to deal with them, so by extension, that's my fault. And what about the ward? Same thing. I fucked up the friend group dynamic, which was one of the last things she had left in life that she felt safe in btw. And I need to have a serious talk about where we stand. I genuinely am absolutely shocked that she even messaged me again or wanted to hangout. I thought she would hate me. Or maybe she's just doing it out of a sense of obligation. I don't even know if she still feels the same way about me. I know she said "there were some good parts". She's just trying to make me feel better. I just don't know what to do. Nothing about anything is ok, and I literally broke everything. I broke her wish, my morals, and our friend group. But I just couldn't know what she was doing and not call. For the record, depending on how the talk goes, I'll probably acknowledge that I won't call again if there's a next time. But I just don't know what to do. I'm fked up mentally, and she's left here to pick up the pieces of what she wasn't planning on even being here for. What good did I do? It was selfish, and it ruined everything. I do not feel good about what I did. And yet, I just loved her. I truly believed that things could change, and I selfishly wanted her to live. And now here we are. Here we are.
And for an additional note. I plan on just giving her space still. I actually need space too. I feel like I shouldn't even be in her life anymore. But in a few days or a week or so I'm gonna ask to have an in depth talk on where to go from here and how she feels about me. I just don't know what to do. She lived, and it's my fault, and now everything is somehow worse even though she lived. Nothing good came of this except my own selfish desire to see her alive, and a belief that life could change for the better if she gave it more time. I ruined everything. I'm distraught to say the least, I'd like outside perspectives.
And to give some further aspect as to my personality without writing my life story, I'm an INFP-T, Enneagram 2w1, and for those of you who read into zodiacs, Moon: Cancer | Sun: Scorpio | Rising: Pisces. If you want some personality on her, ENFP, she's a Pisces. Anyways, continuing, although she and I became involved later on, she was, at the time, not even on my radar like that if that makes sense. She was just a friend I liked. Anyways, we all (My two other friends included) would hangout together and played games. We became pretty close friends to a decent degree. All of us had a good time together. Over time, and more quite soon after she met me, maybe 2 months or so, she said she fell in love with me and who I was, my looks, my personality, all of it. She said that she appreciated me the most because I never saw her sexually or in a way that was superficial, I cared about her for her, and she hasn't had that. Fast forward to February 2022, and she was dropping hints all the time, etc. But I wasn't seeing it. And so she kept talking on and on and on to my 2 friends about it. And it got to the point where they were gonna say "Hey if you don't tell him, we're gonna". And so anyways, shortly after Valentines day, we happened to start talking more because my friend told me that she had something to tell me. And I brought it up and said "Hey my friend x says that there's like something you wanted to say?" It was Feb 20th, and she basically told me everything there. And she said that she didn't want to tell me because she was scared of ruining our friendship or being rejected. But nothing could be further from the truth. It was the happiest day of my life and I'll cherish it forever. I've never felt so happy truly. I was grateful and honored that she even felt like that. Just know that it was the happiest day of my life and I literally could not believe it for at least a full week.
But as I got to know her more, things were not as she had portrayed. It wasn't a bad thing so to say, but simply she only shared her situation once we were close. So, here's her situation.
Trigger Warning: (All)
She's dealt with self image issues and anorexia, eating disorder for all of her life. Early on in life, she put her trust in people, loved the wrong people, they took advantage of her. And now she deals with Drinking, Smoking, Vaping, Cutting, BPD, Bipolar, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety Attacks, Anorexia. She's only 18 and has been raped 4/5 times all by people she knew, police didn't believe her the first time in HS, so she never reported the rest, her friends left her because they liked one of the guys who did it one of the times and just wanted to pretend it didn't happen, she got bullied, dropped out, tried to actually kill herself. Her last friend in the world fking took advantage of her too sexually. She still talks with her past abusers and rapists because she's stuck looking for closure that she won't get. She has no therapy, money, or stable help, and she's failing classes and wasn't going to graduate. I never felt so much pain when I found out what her life's been like. I wanted to find them and kill them all, I swear I nearly did. And now she has to struggle to keep living. All of this before she ever turned 18. She also got caught up in selling CP, as well as the social media stuff didn't help her image. She has abandonment issues, self image/confidence problems, paranoia, and all the rest I already listed.
And I didn't know how to handle it, so actually things were a little rocky. Finding out more about each other, I know that many people are well educated on the "honeymoon" phase of relationships. Well it was just rocky, we really broke through our "idealist" mindsets. I wasn't the lighthearted person she was looking for, and she wasn't the in-depth person I was wanting. So the problems were that I would always try to "fix" things. Always confronting her on heavy topics and trying to work with her on stuff. And our love languages didn't match either. Hers is like Money, Acts, Gifts. Mine is Intellect, Focus, Gifts. I crave extremely deep thought and such. Her romantic feelings come from just spending normal 1-1 time together playing games and such. But anything deep all the time drains her. And I didn't realize that until we talked about it. So of course, I love her, I adjusted and was spending more 1-1 time with her. And I came to accept that with her trauma and such, she really just has a hard time expressing herself or even her own life is so draining, that she just doesn't have any energy emotionally left over. But as I said, I loved her, I adjusted and was ok with all of that.
So anyways, a side note here, we did actually meet up. Turned out we lived in the same state, only like 5h away. She was super shy IRL but it was overall a really good thing, we had a lot of fun. Anyways just a side note, back to it, the other problem was that I couldn't stop trying to fix stuff. We did actually work on her drinking, the ED, and SH. And she actually made a ton of progress. I think maybe she fell back into it now, but I'm not sure entirely. But regardless, they say you can't love someone and be their therapist too. I found out why the hard way. Bringing that stuff up all the time, it was draining. We were both becoming bitter and both drained, she was avoiding talking and hanging out from the dread and stress of always confronting heavy topics, and I was bitter at the avoiding. And we eventually talked about it and just agreed that it was harming the relationship too much. It almost ended there actually. It was close. Not that we didn't love eachother, but it was too much. So I agreed not to bring that sht up anymore and to just hangout and love her for her, no more problems or fixing or therapy stuff. And that the only time I would talk about things in hard-depth like that would be if she needed to talk or specifically asked to. And things went back to normal. We were back to talking, hanging out like before. Things were really good. We watched movies together, including "To The Bone" which was about ED and was close to her. We literally shared our entire life story with eachother and knew all of our closest secrets, all of our deepest trauma. I've genuinely never been closer to another human in my entire life. She talked about getting a job and maybe being able to finish school in the Summer, things were seriously feeling better. I thought things were good. She seemed optimistic and happy. For a time reference, it's been 2 months since she told me how she felt by this time.
And she was asking questions lately like why I try to help people, my stance on suicide (pro-choice), and why I didn't love this other girl. Not in a bad way, but just "Hey Ber0, why didn't you fall in love with that other girl?" And for reference, there was this girl I met, I'll go ahead and explain it. But basically we also met online, and we were hanging out all the time, watching movies, sharing stories, she was also Ace and INFP. And we just got along well. But I didn't know that she had developed romantic feelings towards me, and as you might remember, I don't feel like that towards anyone just "like that". So I never saw her like that. It's not to say we didn't match or she wasn't pretty or anything. I simply didn't see her like that. And she also hid it from me. Idk if she was scared to tell me or what, but yeah. So I met her around the same time. In November. So by the time girl 1 (the one I fell in love with back) told me on February 20th, how she felt, I had known them both for about 3-4 months. And girl 2, the other INFP, I thought of her as a close, trusted friend you know? Like a wingman. We told eachother everything, from day to day stuff, to life plans. And you already probably know where this is going. I told her about the other girl and what had happened. It was like a "Yooo guess what happened????!?!?!?!". If you want a different explanation here;
Friend 1, 2, and 3. | F1 loves F3. | F2 loves F1. | F1 doesn't know that F2 loves him. | F1 tells F2 that F3 and him, both love eachother. |
So she acts happy and supports me of course. And she had mentioned previously she made a guy friend online, and I was all like "yoooo hell yeah go after him you got this :D". And I genuinely didn't think anything of it. Long story short though, the same day Friend 3 and I met IRL, she messaged me and said "Ber0, I need to tell you something and honestly I'm really scared to tell you this, but it took me this long to muster up the courage. Ber0 I like you. And I mean that in a romantic sense. And honestly idk I just feel hurt about this whole thing. Idk, I just don't feel I can be your friend. I thought I'd get over it over time. But I just realized I couldn't. Idk it's just too painful. I'm sorry."
And that hurt a lot. I genuinely never knew she felt like that. But I also know how much it hurts, unrequited love. And I respected that.
Her: I don't know if I completely want to cut off all contact, but I do know that I need some time away from you. I don't want to stop being your friend, honestly, I'm afraid I'll lose you when I leave. I want to talk to you again when I feel better but I don't know if I'll have the courage to face you again, or if you'd want anything to do with me by that time. I guess I'm scared of what's going to happen next.
Me: "Had I known how you felt, I would've been clear with my feelings, as well as I'm sorry for telling you about that other thing. I seriously didn't know. But as far as things go in the scheme of life. I never had romantic feelings like that and I simply see you as a very trustworthy friend. Whatever you need, I'll be there to support you, even if it's parting ways. I seriously just want the best. You don't need "courage" to face me. You're already honest and reliable and courageous by telling me how you feel. I'm simply going to be there for you and support you no matter what happens. You didn't scare me off or worry me. I'm sorry to have upset you. But I care about you as a friend, and whatever you say you need, I'll help you."
Now I know the bit about clarifying my romantic inclination towards her may have been blunt, but for me, it just wasn't the time to play with feelings or beat around with words. So that was my intent there, not to be harmful intentionally. Anyways, it's in the past. I promised myself to give her the space she requested and I haven't messaged since. Neither has she, but she also hasn't unadded me. So it's been 6 weeks since that day, I'm still just giving space, maybe forever I suppose.
Anyways, I explained all of that to her, (the girl I'm with now), and explained my romantic nature and how I didn't see her that way. And that's why I didn't fall in love with the other girl. And it sounded like a wistful "I wonder how it would've turned out differently, I wonder if he would've been happy" kind of way. Looking back now that's how I see it anyways. Asking me my stance on suicide, why I didn't meet someone else, and if I wanted to lose contact with someone or talk to them if they killed themselves. Looking back it seems a bit obvious why right? But at the time, like I said, she was sounding so optimistic and hopeful. I thought things were improving. And we were in the middle of sharing deep stuff and life stories. So it was just kinda offhand questions that blended in.
And a few days after that, when I woke up last Sunday, I just had this overwhelming feeling of love towards her. I'm not sure why. I woke up and just had that feeling of love where you want to run around to random parking lots and just scream you love this person. That cheesy sht you see in movies. But I got kinda busy, and I figured I would wait until night when we spent some time together. But we never did. Not in that way. I was playing games with my friends and she joined the voice chat and just was hanging out. And then she left and I asked where she went, and she said to throw up and I just figured it was one of her ED problems. She has a hard time keeping things down and such as you may imagine. Anyways, I just didn't feel right. I don't know why, but I told my friend to stay up with me that night. And I stayed up several hours past when I was gonna sleep on the off-chance she messaged again. And she did. 2 hours later at 2am (3am for her). It was her apologizing over and over and over.
For reference markers she is 1, I am 2
1: im sorry
2: it's all good why be sorry :( don't be sorry
1: i'm sorry
2: there's genuinely no reason to be sorry. Seriously ILY, if you're getting like I was last night, just know that I'm not upset or anything. 0 reason to be sorry.
please get some good sleep and I'll message you in the morning :)
1: im sorry
2: "1" it's seriously ok :( please don't apologize more. I cherish everything about you and all of the time we spend together. You didn't do anything wrong.
I promise you, you literally did nothing wrong. I'm not upset or anything. I swear.
1: i know, im just saying
2: Well for whatever's in your mind that you're apologizing for, I forgive you.
1: promise
2: I promise
1: thank you
2: I don't break promises in life.
1: im sorry, i love you
2: If I promise something, I didn't mean it lightly. I love you too, truly
1: have a good night okay? thank you for everything
And as soon as she said that ^ I knew what was going on, I was no longer going to sleep
2: Actually, can I call for like 5 minutes? I wanted to tell you something
1: oh, i'm sorry i, should go but, i'm, i'm sorry, i love you, i really do, i'm sorry.
2: Can I tell you tomorrow night? even if we never spoke again, there are some things we want to tell people we love.
1: im sorry, i don't, think i'll be able to, but, it's okay, i love you, im sorry
2: Get on a call with me. I've never asked anything from another human. But I'm asking you to please let me talk with you vocally as a last request
1: why
2: I can see it in your speech and tells and emotions and mood, things aren't ok right now and I know they aren't
1: you'll be okay and everything will be fine
2: you can hate me or block me, but as a last request, I'd like to talk for 5 minutes
1: okay
2: I'm gonna start a call
We talked for about 20 minutes. During this time I was just trying anything to keep her talking. I decided to read a letter I had planned on giving her 2 weeks later as well. Not the full thing. But it was how I felt about her. I thought that maybe I could change her mind. And so I was launching into story after story trying to keep her attention on the conversation and she kept just saying "I have to go". And I just knew I wasn't able to convince her. So I just told her that I felt like I was running towards her, and I wasn't going to make it in time. And I told her that I was glad to have met her, and I told her what she meant to me as a person, and that I was grateful to have known her. And I told her I would let her go. And we both lied about seeing eachother the next day, and said we loved eachother for the last time.
And from there we hung up and launched into a long hour long typing conversation back and forth. I cannot make you understand this enough, I have never "pleaded" with another human to not do something. If there was a definition as to pleading, this conversation would be it. I genuinely would've traded anything in my life including my life to change her mind. Nothing is too much for her. I would've given anything. And in reference to the "plan" you might see referenced. I was planning on meeting her again in 2w, I had even bought her a gift just the day before this. The long-term plan was that I would move closer, get a real job, and help her with finances. Finances are her biggest stressor in life along with her living situation. I wanted her to get through school, find a job she loved, and get her own place. And I wanted to help her do it. I genuinely just wanted her to live a life she could enjoy. But the conversation after the call went like this.
1: april 24th, it's been a year, i've gone 365 days, and every single one i thought about how i'd do it and when, i gave myself a year, i thought it would get better, it go so much worse, 365 days, and i couldn't have one peaceful one, i'm sorry for everything, i wanted to be better towards you, i always tried my best but, i know i failed in a lot of areas, my mom knows and everything so i'm, kind of all set
2: you were the best, you never had to do anything else
1: i did, im sorry i couldn't, thank you, have a good night, everything will be okay
2: I'm not done yet. I'm running as fast as I possibly can towards you, it would be selfish to ask you to keep going for just a day longer
1: i gave 365 days of "make it through tonight" i just don't think whatever life is is made for me, a mistake i ended up here really, i cant hurt anymore, and i cant find anything else to stop it, you should get a letter though, and i hope it explains how i feel as much as i want it to
2: I will not forgive myself if I don't do everything I can in my being as a human to help you. And I still have everything to give, so I'm not done.
1: you did, it's not your responsibility, or anything under your control, forgetting is the easiest way really, i hope everyone does, you gave me so much, you were more than enough, in every aspect
2: I'll be moving over, I'll be supporting you, I want to make a life with you. You're so meaningful in this world. And you have so much to see and do in life. You deserve everything. We can make it over this shtty hill and see there's more to life, I've seen people make it over this shtty fking hill
1: im sorry for getting involved when i knew i had a time limit, a year, it's been a year.
2: you're not alone in this struggle. I've seen so many people
1: ok, goodnight, 2. i love you.
2: I wish you would give me more time. To let me walk into the fire and help you more
1: i gave time, a year, and all i've done is gotten worse.
2: I hadn't even met you then or known you
1: you're not going to save me, i've been through this cycle, everyone wants to help so bad, as much as it sucks, you cant. and i cant help myself. so here i am
2: There's no way they've given you what they could. All I've seen are people hurt you or leave once they couldn't fix it
1: please 2 just forget about it okay. Forget everything, i love you, get some rest tonight. try not to worry. i know you think i am but i promise i'm not worth it. im not the girl someone will marry or who would be a good mom or who deserves to be treated like a princess. im not that person. once you realize that it'll be easier.
2: I'm not forgetting. There's so much to give you. Please. Why can't you give it more time. Let me walk into your life. I'll get you out of there. Your own apartment, job, life. I'll pay for whatever you need. Medicine, (her cat), Therapy, etc. I have so much in life others dont If you would just give it more time, you'll see that things can change
1: nothing is worth feeling like this, 365 days. i gave it that. i don't have more time to give
And this continues for awhile longer. The last message to me was this and the med she took.
2: we're moving you out, your own apartment. Getting you that degree in life. Getting you a nice job. I have endless resources to give you and you won't let me. You've entrusted a year to life and other people but those people didn't give all of themselves to you. And some of them hurt you instead , entrust 8 hours to me please, it's the last thing I'll ever ask you, I'll talk to you for each hour if you need. But I'm heading over right now
1: don't, im, going to bed now, diazepam.
And I didn't know what to do. I was having an extreme panic attack and what I did next broke all of my own moral code surrounding this. Listen, it's easy for me to say I'm pro-choice. It's easy to support you all in your decisions. I spent a considerable amount of time each day here from Dec 2020 to - Feb 2021. I was in a situation like hers. And I talked with people here, weighed in on philosophy and stuff of this. And I decided I was firmly pro-choice, and still am sort of. I'm struggling with the idea now. The bottom line is it's really easy for me to say that I was pro-choice, until it was someone I loved and cared about. I can't tell you what it felt like. It was an extreme confliction.
So I got on the phone and called 911, which transferred me over to her city police, then to her county sheriff, and to a paramedic. And I told them all everything and her address and their questions. And at this point, blinded by everything, I was driving 150 down the highways already. But a friend of hers messaged me beforehand while all of this was happening.
Him: is 1 talking w you?
Me: get to her
Him: i was trying, she doesnt want to hear from me
Me: hert house, fuck thst, her house, now
Him: fuck
And I pulled over and realized that you know, I would never make that in time. And it was out of my hands. The authorities admitted her and I went ahead and covered the next 4w of her pay because I figured she might lose her job (she did). Her friend kept me updated over the next 3 days. And I personally just wasn't doing well. I wasn't eating, sleeping, and I lost all feeling and motivation to do anything. For the first day or so all I did was cry, it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced in life. And after that first day I just couldn't feel anything anymore. It was like all my emotions just zeroed out. I didn't even cry when thinking about what happened. My therapist later said that I had "Dissociated from reality as a rudimentary way of a coping with severe trauma". And let me explain how this all sits with me. Because it didn't end there.
So after making that phone call to 911. I freaked out on my 2 friends that I mentioned earlier at the beginning. Our gaming friend group. I thought things, the dynamic, would change and I sent them this long cryptic message about what happened and ironically, this message changed things. My one friend was upset. And my second friend got mad at me and said that I was to blame for what she did. And so I got mad at him and said sht that I knew would hurt him and piss him off. The bottom line is I shouldn't have been messaging anyone or anything in such a bad state. I was having a panic attack and freaking out, and I just shouldn't have.
2y ago, I was in the same mindset as her. Basically here's what happened. She gave it 1 year and said that if things don't get better, it was over. Now I did the same thing before. But my life improved. I didn't know that April 24th was her date. I genuinely thought I had so much time left to help her and that things were improving. But I can tell you right now, if 2y ago, I decided the opposite and someone had stopped me. I would've felt betrayed, angry, upset, hate. I would've thought "if you really loved me you would've let me die". I went directly against her wishes, I broke my own moral code. Everyone said "you did the right thing". Nothing feels right.
The bottom line is she didn't think things could change, and I did. And I took her choice from her, which personally, is unforgiveable. It doesn't stop there.
The psych place she went to. I'm sure there are dozens of people here that can tell me what they've experienced. She got out Wednesday, let me give you a look into what happened when she got out. And calls placed below were from her friend on her PC in order to stay in touch with me.
started a call that lasted 8 minutes.
started a call that lasted 6 minutes.
1: why call i was in a psych ward lol, almost got raped
2: (Friend x) initiated those calls from your PC. I have no clue what to say I'm so sorry I seriously don't know what to do or say
1: ok, i feel more suicidal than before, i appreciate u being worried, but i'm actually fucking traumatized
2: There's nothing right about what I did, and I'm sorry. I just need to know what you need right now. Is someone with you, are you with someone you know like your Mom or Dad or Ivan? Is there anyone there that you can talk with?
1: i don't need to fucking talk, i needed to not have to go through that, and not be on antipsychotics, but here i am
2: I know, I do. I'm just here. I know what you're saying. I know you don't need to talk, I just can't do anything else. If there's something I can do that will help, please let me know.
1: i don't care you don't understand what fucking hell i just went through you cant even fucking imagine. forgetting the fact i was hallucinating and they have me on antipsychotics now, someone shit on the floor and it wasn't cleaned for a day, i didn't sleep, i ate once, i had 2 schizo roommates one who pissed in my bed, and constantly being fucking terrified bc of the men there. You will never understand the hell of what that shit was. im also fired and need to find a new job and all i want to fucking do is rest
1: i lost my job bc of it too, so now i'm fucked, my entire life, is fucked over, i have to build from the fucking ground up when before i at least had a foundation
2: I'm not saying to find a job rn or that you have to ever. Please just know that I get what's going on. I know that I'll never fully understand as a human what you just experienced. I hear all of what you're telling me. My plan wasn't even to message you until you did because I felt like it would be good to give you space. I'm seriously sorry. I only said that because I just wanted you to know that monetarily, you at least have a cushion to just breathe on for a moment or two, I'm gonna stop messaging and give you space, because I truly know that you need to breathe and readjust, I genuinely get it. I just want you to know that I'm here. But I hear what you're saying, and I'm going to give you space.
1: im just stressed im sorry, i feel a bit better i got some off my chest
2: it's bad to say "I get it" rn, but I understand what you're telling me. If you need to vent at me or anything I'm here for it.
So that's basically where we're at. She wanted me to join a call with some friends, but I kinda haven't smoothed things over (with that friend I mentioned) and I told her it would be socially awkward with him, rlly fked up.
1: i feel better now
2: I'm seriously glad :) but also, I just wanted to say that I'm genuinely sorry
1: it's okay, there were good parts, made some damn good friends
2: that's good to hear
1: yeah, now i feel lonely lol
2: I saw you found a friend though right? I think (x) it was?
1: mhm! the other 2 haven't gotten discharged yet
2: ah ok, well at least you'll be able to talk with them again
1: mhm
Nothing is ok though. I just don't know what to do. It's not like I intended to get her in there or lose her job or have that happen. I didn't even think of repercussions when calling 911 or psych wards or jobs or anything. I feel like the only way I'll ever consider what I did as the "right" thing, is if things actually improve.
But I fucked things up with my 2 friends, I just talked to one today, but it's still rough. I brought her back, for what, my own selfish desire? So she could suffer more? What happens now? I just go "Oh hey again hi yeah sorry for bringing you back into a painful existence". I mean what happens now? I can't just move on from this. First of all, she has all these problems to deal with again, she didn't expect to even live to deal with them, so by extension, that's my fault. And what about the ward? Same thing. I fucked up the friend group dynamic, which was one of the last things she had left in life that she felt safe in btw. And I need to have a serious talk about where we stand. I genuinely am absolutely shocked that she even messaged me again or wanted to hangout. I thought she would hate me. Or maybe she's just doing it out of a sense of obligation. I don't even know if she still feels the same way about me. I know she said "there were some good parts". She's just trying to make me feel better. I just don't know what to do. Nothing about anything is ok, and I literally broke everything. I broke her wish, my morals, and our friend group. But I just couldn't know what she was doing and not call. For the record, depending on how the talk goes, I'll probably acknowledge that I won't call again if there's a next time. But I just don't know what to do. I'm fked up mentally, and she's left here to pick up the pieces of what she wasn't planning on even being here for. What good did I do? It was selfish, and it ruined everything. I do not feel good about what I did. And yet, I just loved her. I truly believed that things could change, and I selfishly wanted her to live. And now here we are. Here we are.
And for an additional note. I plan on just giving her space still. I actually need space too. I feel like I shouldn't even be in her life anymore. But in a few days or a week or so I'm gonna ask to have an in depth talk on where to go from here and how she feels about me. I just don't know what to do. She lived, and it's my fault, and now everything is somehow worse even though she lived. Nothing good came of this except my own selfish desire to see her alive, and a belief that life could change for the better if she gave it more time. I ruined everything. I'm distraught to say the least, I'd like outside perspectives.
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