Venting I don't feel legitimate to be suicidal

[LinxLunar]

(TW : rape, harassment, SH, self destruction)
I don't feel legitime to be suicidal.
I don't want to live in this world but I have no real reason for it, I have been harassed during all my school year, as far as I remember but I was ok by myself, I got raped when I was 17 but it didn't impact me much. I tried SH, mutilating my arms, legs, scratch my skin until it bleeds but I feel nothing doing so.

I have no emotion. Nothing I live give me emotion, good ones such as bad ones.
Is there a point to live when you can't feel a single thing ?

I'm sure a lot of people that are suffering would like to be at my place, having no pain or whatsoever. But it just make me so empty and I can't find a reason to live like this.

I'm thinking everyday of putting myself into bad position to get raped again, to get beaten until I bleed, to be manipulated etc just to try and feel something.

but I definitely know it's not a good thing to do but at least, I would feel legitimate to being suicidal if more bad things happenned...

 

[DivineSpark]

I feel like I dont have right to feel suicidal. I have so many great good things in life, so many blessings. I suppose to be happy.

 

[LinxLunar]

I feel like I dont have right to feel suicidal. I have so many great good things in life, so many blessings. I suppose to be happy.

Same for me, my familly is there, no really supportive but... there. I have some "friends" can't be 100% honest with them but I can kinda talk to them, I'm good in uni, I don't really like it but it'll be a good job, I have a "girlfriend" we're not together but we're intimate and doing some date so it's kinda it.

On the paper everything is good for me but inside I feel so empty and want to CTB, but I don't feel legitimate... I hate it

I wish my life would be miserable so I would feel legitimate to want to die but no. I'm just a random with a good life that still want to die.

 

[Rymrgand]

I'm sorry for your situation. You can be suicidal. You ARE suicidal, after all. It's not your choice feeling like that. Those are your emotions, and nobody can criticize you for that. There's always someone who has it worse, but that doesn't mean that the rest of us can't be depressed.

Besides, you say that you have a good life, but it doesn't seem like that. You have been raped. You have been harassed a lot. Your family is not supportive. It's obvious that all of that is affecting you and that you are really depressed. You are saying yourself that you can't feel anything. Even if that wasn't a consequence of your life, and instead was a symptom of some kind of physical illness, it is still making your life way worse.

You don't need to have it worse, you are already suffering a lot. I'm not going to tell you if you should commit suicide or try to recover, but you have already a lot of valid reasons to be suicidal.

 

[Namelesa]

Anyone who feels suicidal is legitimate, especially as we were forced into this life, but I understand why you feel like you are invalid. I have felt that way too at points in my life as I didn't think my trauma is enough of a reason for it. You feeling apathy or emptiness is definitely completely fair reason for wanting to die and no one can say otherwise with how you feel. I feel emptiness and apathy too and it makes me suicidal as I literally don't see a point in continuing to live for myself. Suicidalness can be caused a lack of motivation to live.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

This is not a diagnosis but it sounds like you have anhedonia.

When you're unfamiliar with the condition and you're raised in an environment where emotions are king: people tell you to follow your passion and try to find true love etc, it's easy to be entirely lost as to what to do with your life. I propose the idea that you do not need an emotional compass or high affectation to be able to function at a tolerable level in life. More objective markers can be used as an analogue for satisfaction.

That said, even the best stories have an ending and I believe its every author's right to decide how their book ends. A good story need not be 1000 pages, and a good life does not have to be 100 years. It is a radical opinion that most normal people would violently disagree with but I don't think you need to be suffering to be allowed to not want to be here anymore.

 

[kmycluisfe]

Same for me, my familly is there, no really supportive but... there. I have some "friends" can't be 100% honest with them but I can kinda talk to them, I'm good in uni, I don't really like it but it'll be a good job, I have a "girlfriend" we're not together but we're intimate and doing some date so it's kinda it.

On the paper everything is good for me but inside I feel so empty and want to CTB, but I don't feel legitimate... I hate it

I wish my life would be miserable so I would feel legitimate to want to die but no. I'm just a random with a good life that still want to die.

I feel you, I'm struggling with the exact same thoughts.

I'm doing good in uni. If I finish, I should have a good job, a good life. I have friends, a girlfriend, no financial trouble. In my country, you could say I'm lucky, not rich, but upper middle class.

But still, everything feels off. Everything feels like shit, and I can't even complain about anything. My parents keep saying I'm lucky, my friends say the same. And hearing this all the time makes me feel like I'm not allowed to feel this way. I feel like if I told them, they'd just mock me or invalidate my feelings.

I never really had much trouble in school or anything. Most of my struggles were online, but even then, I have friends who had it way worse.

So yeah, I hope you find your way. Maybe try to seek help—just do your best. Your feelings are legit, and you should act for yourself. (I should probably apply this to myself too, lmao...)

 

[deadbidaylight]

No one needs an actual reason to feel suicidal. Because that's exactly it…a feeling. An emotion. A reaction to things that have happened in your life or lacktherof. There will always be people that have it worse, and there will always be people who have it better. It doesn't signify that someone deserves to be more or less suicidal. Look at celebrities for example: they literally have everything most of us could only dream about but they still can't find a will to live. Depression and sister illnesses are awful things, and lots of us can and are leading normal, and many times good lives but it doesn't diminish our feelings of hopelessness and isolation. You can be surrounded by people and still be lonely, misunderstood and isolated because it's in your mind.

I lead a good, normal life. I have a family who loves me, a roof over my head that I own. I live in a relatively great country with no real problems. I have an education. I have many things lots of people could wish for, but I still hate my life and hate myself and many times just want to end it all. I know how you feel. And lots of others will relate. I promise you're not alone in your feelings.

 

[Kornous]

If you don't feel anything, then I think there's no point in committing suicide now. Perhaps you'll find something unnatural in suicide, something that's not part of "Common Sense" (like it can't all be that simple - suffering, suffering, and then SUDDENLY NOTHING!). Especially since, as you say, you're not in pain now.

 

[LinxLunar]

I feel you, I'm struggling with the exact same thoughts.

I'm doing good in uni. If I finish, I should have a good job, a good life. I have friends, a girlfriend, no financial trouble. In my country, you could say I'm lucky, not rich, but upper middle class.

But still, everything feels off. Everything feels like shit, and I can't even complain about anything. My parents keep saying I'm lucky, my friends say the same. And hearing this all the time makes me feel like I'm not allowed to feel this way. I feel like if I told them, they'd just mock me or invalidate my feelings.

I never really had much trouble in school or anything. Most of my struggles were online, but even then, I have friends who had it way worse.

So yeah, I hope you find your way. Maybe try to seek help—just do your best. Your feelings are legit, and you should act for yourself. (I should probably apply this to myself too, lmao...)

I'm currently in mental hospital, It's been 2 month, I've tried 4 antidepressants but nothing works, the psychiatrist said "you are the most weird case I've seen, you have a hard past, and people with less problem are depressed so you certainly are, but still you are in a good spot right now which doesn't make sense with the rest of the story and you attempt. I don't think medication will work you should try psychotherapy" but I've been on psychotherapy for a bit more than 2 years now and it doesn't change anything :/

If you don't feel anything, then I think there's no point in committing suicide now. Perhaps you'll find something unnatural in suicide, something that's not part of "Common Sense" (like it can't all be that simple - suffering, suffering, and then SUDDENLY NOTHING!). Especially since, as you say, you're not in pain now.

Right now I feel really empty, but I always did, it's not something new. I don't really understand the "you'll find something unnatural in suicide". I didn't really suffer in the past, everything went above me because I don't find a reason to live and then, why suffer ?

 

[Johnzaga23]

If YOU are not legitimate for being suicidal, then WHO is? I heard r#pe, that's enough.
Seriously, youre not thinking rationally, because you're traumatized. Not feeling anything, is trauma response. Please take your feelings into account and dont just thug it out. Try to get help because you need it.