acidkitsune23
Member
- Jun 20, 2024
- 21
it's been a few months since I've posted here, so hi, here's my monthly vent cuz I don't want to talk abt this to my friends :') ion wanna burden them lolol
I don't think I can be with my boyfriend right now. It's not because of anything he's done; I'm just tired. Honestly, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship in general. The last one I had was long-lasting, and I think I'm still kind of getting over the breakup. I was so attached to my ex that I thought I would be with him forever. I was with him for 2 years until this April (if I remember this right?), there's nothing bad between us, he was just going through a lot of traumatic stuff. We're still good friends.
This is going to sound bad, but I think my current relationship was fueled by a manic ep. I was so desperate for love, even when I had a crush on him before the relationship I wanted to give myself time to think if it was a sound desision (sorry my spelling is bootycheeks), but then he asked me out. And right now i'm way too anxious to break up with him. One part of me wants to wait and see if any of my feelings change, but it's been 3 months and it's only gotten worse. My gut is telling me to do it, but my heart is too much of a pussy to do it yet. I've only ever broken up with someone personally once, and those were under circumstances where I was in the wrong and I still feel horrible how it ended. I'm so sick of saying "I'll do it soon" then pussying out. My mind is rushing thru the possibilites of shit that will happen.
Thinking about romance genuinely makes me feel sick sometimes. It feels like everything is happening so fast that it's suffocating. I think about romance or sex and I get this pit in my stomach. Yesterday he told me he's really anxious about me leaving him, and that scares me. He's a sweet guy, I don't think he does it on purpose, it just makes me feel suffocated. I don't want him to hurt himself If I break up with him. I don't want drama, I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to upset anyone in this situation. I've tried to draft countless breakup texts, letters, i've even journaled a bit about it. The thing is, I used to be exactly like him. I don't want him to go through the "relationship grief" (dramatic term but it's the only way I can put it shsdhedhjhs) that I've felt. I don't want him to be dependant on me to feel something, I don't want him to be dependant on me to breathe or get up in the morning. I want to be single right now so I can work on myself before I get back into a relationship (if i ever do, i don't think i will for a looong time lolol).
I've had conflicting thoughts about this; on one hand i want to be single, on the other hand i'm scared if i do he'll hurt himself. Then there's the other (selfish?) option. I'm afraid if I do, nobody will ever love me again and our mutual friends will hate me for doing it. I feel bad for even having that thought cross my mind, but it's just a lingering fear i've had with all of my relationships.
I have no idea if this is another manic episode or me "coming to my senses" (in a way). Please give me advice
Here's a cute lil guy for some pallete cleansing after this depressing ass vent :'3
Fun fact: Cats walk like camels and giraffes, putting both feet down on one side before putting both feet down on the other side! Cute, right?
I don't think I can be with my boyfriend right now. It's not because of anything he's done; I'm just tired. Honestly, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship in general. The last one I had was long-lasting, and I think I'm still kind of getting over the breakup. I was so attached to my ex that I thought I would be with him forever. I was with him for 2 years until this April (if I remember this right?), there's nothing bad between us, he was just going through a lot of traumatic stuff. We're still good friends.
This is going to sound bad, but I think my current relationship was fueled by a manic ep. I was so desperate for love, even when I had a crush on him before the relationship I wanted to give myself time to think if it was a sound desision (sorry my spelling is bootycheeks), but then he asked me out. And right now i'm way too anxious to break up with him. One part of me wants to wait and see if any of my feelings change, but it's been 3 months and it's only gotten worse. My gut is telling me to do it, but my heart is too much of a pussy to do it yet. I've only ever broken up with someone personally once, and those were under circumstances where I was in the wrong and I still feel horrible how it ended. I'm so sick of saying "I'll do it soon" then pussying out. My mind is rushing thru the possibilites of shit that will happen.
Thinking about romance genuinely makes me feel sick sometimes. It feels like everything is happening so fast that it's suffocating. I think about romance or sex and I get this pit in my stomach. Yesterday he told me he's really anxious about me leaving him, and that scares me. He's a sweet guy, I don't think he does it on purpose, it just makes me feel suffocated. I don't want him to hurt himself If I break up with him. I don't want drama, I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to upset anyone in this situation. I've tried to draft countless breakup texts, letters, i've even journaled a bit about it. The thing is, I used to be exactly like him. I don't want him to go through the "relationship grief" (dramatic term but it's the only way I can put it shsdhedhjhs) that I've felt. I don't want him to be dependant on me to feel something, I don't want him to be dependant on me to breathe or get up in the morning. I want to be single right now so I can work on myself before I get back into a relationship (if i ever do, i don't think i will for a looong time lolol).
I've had conflicting thoughts about this; on one hand i want to be single, on the other hand i'm scared if i do he'll hurt himself. Then there's the other (selfish?) option. I'm afraid if I do, nobody will ever love me again and our mutual friends will hate me for doing it. I feel bad for even having that thought cross my mind, but it's just a lingering fear i've had with all of my relationships.
I have no idea if this is another manic episode or me "coming to my senses" (in a way). Please give me advice
Fun fact: Cats walk like camels and giraffes, putting both feet down on one side before putting both feet down on the other side! Cute, right?
