Nonno_Eek
I don't understand human behavior
- Oct 21, 2024
- 7
Hi. I'm a college student which I'm not really committed to the course I took.
(Sorry for the incorrect English grammar. I'm not an English speaker)
To begin with, I want to be a doctor, a cardiologist or a neurologist. I actually took three entrance exam. Two of it are successful and the other is currently unknown the result. That college is my dream university. It's public, free tuition and have medical course. It is located far from our home. They didn't replied to me about if I passed or not. I tried to contact them but, their email isn't working. So I don't know, it just broke my heart to be left hanging alone. The other two were: a private well-known college with medical course and a public college in our province that didn't offer medical course.
I didn't apply in private college because were poor. Even if I did apply to that college and their scholarship program, my parents told me they will visit me every Saturday which doesn't make sense to me. We don't even have electricity in our home and they planned to waste money to visit me. Yes, our electricity in our home was cut down because we cannot pay for it. The electricity in our neighborhood also handled by shady organization that is not part of the local government which is kinda concerning. Anyway, my parents are both unemployed. My mother is a housewife and my father change job every month. The income isn't stable. Gladly, me and my younger sister moved to our aunt for a mean time. I wished I could bring my younger brother with me but, he doesn't want to leave our mother alone. I have an older brother, he have small paying job and give almost half of his salary to my parents. There's almost nothing left for him because I also depend on him. I feel bad.
Out of desperation, I enter the college in my province. I can't focus on studying unlike when I was in highschool. I feel like I'm doing this half-heartedly so my grades are not so great. But I really want to graduate. To find a job across the world and earn a lot of money. I don't wanna give up, but it's gnawing on me. I'm desperate, lonely, and I grew up only know studying. If I stop right now, I don't know what will happen to me. I think I'll rot and eventually go insane. One of the professor called me to the office and told me why. I don't know what my problem either. They asked me, "Do I really wanted to study?" I answered I don't know and they didn't let me continue explaining. They told me to stop, drop out. That's harsh. I guess that what it means to be a grown adult.
That's not only my problem I'm currently facing.
1. I have this weird social problem that I'm having a hard time communicating to people. I have this since I was a kid and it got worse now I'm in college. I'm tensing and trembling at any moment that people are talking to me. My classmate right now pointed that out, which made me more self-conscious. I also missed activities in school because of this. I cannot ask my classmates if I missed something because I always think I'll be wasting their time. I was called "idiot"? (I don't really know how to translate that word into English but it's the same as idiot but more painful to hear) by my relatives. That lower my esteem to get a part time job.
2. This one is pretty uhh... Not good to read... Sorry, please skip this if you don't want to read it. Warning: SA and Pedophilia. I don't really remember all the sequence of events. So... Ehh pretty messy timeline.
As I already said, we're poor. But we're not really poor when I was younger. My father used to work abroad and his income was big enough that we built a house away from our relatives. The culture in our country is a family based so, going nuclear family is different. There's also family that also went nuclear but they still have strong connection to their relatives. My parents want to be separate from our relatives.
The money that they earned was wasted. They never plan how to keep it. My parents are both from a poor family, I guess they we're both mind-blown by the sudden wealth they didn't expect and waste it. My mother told me, I was born around when they lived in the middle of a farm. Just a small hut surrounded by the field. My father decided to work abroad that's why I grew up not really having any connection to him.
Before the pandemic, we are starting lose some of the money we have because as I can observe, spending it on worthless things. Of course I'm still a kid (preteen) around that time, I don't think about it. They bought a car then sell it. Almost like impulsive buying. We are having debts but my mother was always covering it up on us to show there's nothing wrong. Pandemic came, that's the final nail to the coffin. My father lost his job. No more income. I'm just glad we're not spoiled, because if we are. I don't think we could survive. We ate same meal for a week. I'm starting to feel weird.
My father returned to the country, my mother was happy. Me and my siblings aren't because just like I said we have no connection to him. But still we tried our best to be connected and be a whole family just for once. When the pandemic starts to subside, my father tried to find a job again. He asked me if I want something. I asked for a sketchbook, but I really wanted a phone. In reality, I really wanted a phone but I don't have a heart to tell him because of the situation we are in. So he went to the capital of the country to find a job abroad. He returned unsuccessful but he did bought me a sketchbook. I draw with and... He keep watching me. I always draw alone because I feel comfortable with that, sometimes with my little sister. But he's watching me, it's uncomfortable. Months passed I bought new sketch book and a watercolor. I was painting, it was night. I'm sitting on the floor and trying my best to learn contrast and hue with watercolor. He came, drunk I guess. He smelled alcohol and cigarette and also holding a bottle of one. I don't like alcohol. I remember seeing him when I was a kid teaching my mother how to smoke and drink. I was mad and sad. I remember crying to her and telling her not to smoke.
Anyway, he asked me what am I drawing. I replied. Then, he kept getting closer. I'm scared but I tried to brush it off because he's my father right? He's touching my toes. It's getting uncomfortable to me, so I moved my feet away. I decided to stop painting and close it. I don't know if it's accidental or not but his hand went to my chest. (I was around 16-17)
One time, I was half-asleep. We siblings don't have separate rooms but my parents room and our room are separated. I heard the door open. It's our father. He lay down behind me... It was uncomfortable. I could feel something poking behind me. You know what it is. I stand up and went to my older brother's side of the room. I ask him If I could sleep beside him. He agreed but he asked me a question. I just lied that our younger siblings are taking over the whole space and I can't sleep.
It get worst. He send me porn links about father and daughter. I, myself, never watched kind of stuff. I'm a Christian, I don't really believe in god that much but the virtues remains to me. I told my mother about it but she told me, my father might accidentally send it to me. I don't think I could trust her. Then one day, he chatted me that he dreamed of kissing me. He also said I'm surely taste sweet. I couldn't stop myself at that point I cried silently because my younger siblings are in the same room. I didn't tell our mother because, I don't want to stress her or maybe she'll tell about it on my father and caused chaos or maybe protect our father. I don't want to. I just want a whole family. So I keep my mouth shut. I'm underage at that time. Late teens I guess.
Then before I start college. I'm ready to move to my aunt's place (my aunt is a single woman, she's not married). The electricity are gone, I have my own phone that time. I'm on our room, no lights. I'm watching a YouTube video on my phone. He came, sit besides me. He watch porn. He's showing it to me but I keep looking away. Then... He touch me. My thighs... He squeezed it. I could feel his finger inching to my private... All I could do is to cry. I want to strangle him. I want to run to the kitchen and grab a knife to stab him. But I just freezes, I can't do anything. Then my mother came he left before she enters the house, I wiped my tears and meet my younger sister. She showed me a snack she bought for us and smiled at her. I'm wrecked. I don't know why I smiled, why I act so naturally after that. Like who the fuck is that? That wasn't me.
I didn't sleep that night. I got paranoid. I want to go to the kitchen and grab a knife. I watched the door so if it swing open, I'll attack anyone who enter. Because my younger sister is sleeping beside me. I don't want her to experience that thing.
We moved, My younger sister with me. My aunt noticed with things about me so I couldn't stop myself and tell her. She cried. Then she told me about what my father told her when I and my younger sister were baby. He said that he'll be the first person to taste us. It's disgusting. My aunt apologize for not being there to help me. But... I don't know anymore. My whole life just flipped. I don't care about this thing anymore. I don't care if I die. All I want is for my siblings and mother to get out of this hellhole and live happily. I don't care about my father. Everytime I see him right now, I want kill him. But I keep acting nice so my mother wouldn't notice.
You might say I should go to the authorities. I can't. I can't do it. All I want is a whole happy family. I want my mother to be happy. I cannot destroy that happiness. I love her. I'm starting to understand how her mind process. She's a childish woman. She got married to a random guy (not really a random my second aunt's husband friend) who sent her a letter. When I was a kid I thought it was romantic way to meet your soulmate. She replied to it because my grandfather felt pity to that monster. She's so precious, I'll do anything for her. There are times she told us that she didn't want to have a huge family, she wants to graduate college and it sucks that had to go through that and give birth to us.
I'll do anything for my siblings. Even if we fight sometimes, they're the people I could trust.
I don't wanna die yet but most of the time I just want to. I can't ask for a professional help because as I already told you. We can't afford it.
That's all thank you. I feel like if I kept keeping it in me. I'll go insane.
If you're wondering what college program I am in. I'm taking Bachelor of Science in Psychology. I hope I can change myself and survive college life. ｡◕‿◕｡
(Sorry for the incorrect English grammar. I'm not an English speaker)
To begin with, I want to be a doctor, a cardiologist or a neurologist. I actually took three entrance exam. Two of it are successful and the other is currently unknown the result. That college is my dream university. It's public, free tuition and have medical course. It is located far from our home. They didn't replied to me about if I passed or not. I tried to contact them but, their email isn't working. So I don't know, it just broke my heart to be left hanging alone. The other two were: a private well-known college with medical course and a public college in our province that didn't offer medical course.
I didn't apply in private college because were poor. Even if I did apply to that college and their scholarship program, my parents told me they will visit me every Saturday which doesn't make sense to me. We don't even have electricity in our home and they planned to waste money to visit me. Yes, our electricity in our home was cut down because we cannot pay for it. The electricity in our neighborhood also handled by shady organization that is not part of the local government which is kinda concerning. Anyway, my parents are both unemployed. My mother is a housewife and my father change job every month. The income isn't stable. Gladly, me and my younger sister moved to our aunt for a mean time. I wished I could bring my younger brother with me but, he doesn't want to leave our mother alone. I have an older brother, he have small paying job and give almost half of his salary to my parents. There's almost nothing left for him because I also depend on him. I feel bad.
Out of desperation, I enter the college in my province. I can't focus on studying unlike when I was in highschool. I feel like I'm doing this half-heartedly so my grades are not so great. But I really want to graduate. To find a job across the world and earn a lot of money. I don't wanna give up, but it's gnawing on me. I'm desperate, lonely, and I grew up only know studying. If I stop right now, I don't know what will happen to me. I think I'll rot and eventually go insane. One of the professor called me to the office and told me why. I don't know what my problem either. They asked me, "Do I really wanted to study?" I answered I don't know and they didn't let me continue explaining. They told me to stop, drop out. That's harsh. I guess that what it means to be a grown adult.
That's not only my problem I'm currently facing.
1. I have this weird social problem that I'm having a hard time communicating to people. I have this since I was a kid and it got worse now I'm in college. I'm tensing and trembling at any moment that people are talking to me. My classmate right now pointed that out, which made me more self-conscious. I also missed activities in school because of this. I cannot ask my classmates if I missed something because I always think I'll be wasting their time. I was called "idiot"? (I don't really know how to translate that word into English but it's the same as idiot but more painful to hear) by my relatives. That lower my esteem to get a part time job.
2. This one is pretty uhh... Not good to read... Sorry, please skip this if you don't want to read it. Warning: SA and Pedophilia. I don't really remember all the sequence of events. So... Ehh pretty messy timeline.
As I already said, we're poor. But we're not really poor when I was younger. My father used to work abroad and his income was big enough that we built a house away from our relatives. The culture in our country is a family based so, going nuclear family is different. There's also family that also went nuclear but they still have strong connection to their relatives. My parents want to be separate from our relatives.
The money that they earned was wasted. They never plan how to keep it. My parents are both from a poor family, I guess they we're both mind-blown by the sudden wealth they didn't expect and waste it. My mother told me, I was born around when they lived in the middle of a farm. Just a small hut surrounded by the field. My father decided to work abroad that's why I grew up not really having any connection to him.
Before the pandemic, we are starting lose some of the money we have because as I can observe, spending it on worthless things. Of course I'm still a kid (preteen) around that time, I don't think about it. They bought a car then sell it. Almost like impulsive buying. We are having debts but my mother was always covering it up on us to show there's nothing wrong. Pandemic came, that's the final nail to the coffin. My father lost his job. No more income. I'm just glad we're not spoiled, because if we are. I don't think we could survive. We ate same meal for a week. I'm starting to feel weird.
My father returned to the country, my mother was happy. Me and my siblings aren't because just like I said we have no connection to him. But still we tried our best to be connected and be a whole family just for once. When the pandemic starts to subside, my father tried to find a job again. He asked me if I want something. I asked for a sketchbook, but I really wanted a phone. In reality, I really wanted a phone but I don't have a heart to tell him because of the situation we are in. So he went to the capital of the country to find a job abroad. He returned unsuccessful but he did bought me a sketchbook. I draw with and... He keep watching me. I always draw alone because I feel comfortable with that, sometimes with my little sister. But he's watching me, it's uncomfortable. Months passed I bought new sketch book and a watercolor. I was painting, it was night. I'm sitting on the floor and trying my best to learn contrast and hue with watercolor. He came, drunk I guess. He smelled alcohol and cigarette and also holding a bottle of one. I don't like alcohol. I remember seeing him when I was a kid teaching my mother how to smoke and drink. I was mad and sad. I remember crying to her and telling her not to smoke.
Anyway, he asked me what am I drawing. I replied. Then, he kept getting closer. I'm scared but I tried to brush it off because he's my father right? He's touching my toes. It's getting uncomfortable to me, so I moved my feet away. I decided to stop painting and close it. I don't know if it's accidental or not but his hand went to my chest. (I was around 16-17)
One time, I was half-asleep. We siblings don't have separate rooms but my parents room and our room are separated. I heard the door open. It's our father. He lay down behind me... It was uncomfortable. I could feel something poking behind me. You know what it is. I stand up and went to my older brother's side of the room. I ask him If I could sleep beside him. He agreed but he asked me a question. I just lied that our younger siblings are taking over the whole space and I can't sleep.
It get worst. He send me porn links about father and daughter. I, myself, never watched kind of stuff. I'm a Christian, I don't really believe in god that much but the virtues remains to me. I told my mother about it but she told me, my father might accidentally send it to me. I don't think I could trust her. Then one day, he chatted me that he dreamed of kissing me. He also said I'm surely taste sweet. I couldn't stop myself at that point I cried silently because my younger siblings are in the same room. I didn't tell our mother because, I don't want to stress her or maybe she'll tell about it on my father and caused chaos or maybe protect our father. I don't want to. I just want a whole family. So I keep my mouth shut. I'm underage at that time. Late teens I guess.
Then before I start college. I'm ready to move to my aunt's place (my aunt is a single woman, she's not married). The electricity are gone, I have my own phone that time. I'm on our room, no lights. I'm watching a YouTube video on my phone. He came, sit besides me. He watch porn. He's showing it to me but I keep looking away. Then... He touch me. My thighs... He squeezed it. I could feel his finger inching to my private... All I could do is to cry. I want to strangle him. I want to run to the kitchen and grab a knife to stab him. But I just freezes, I can't do anything. Then my mother came he left before she enters the house, I wiped my tears and meet my younger sister. She showed me a snack she bought for us and smiled at her. I'm wrecked. I don't know why I smiled, why I act so naturally after that. Like who the fuck is that? That wasn't me.
I didn't sleep that night. I got paranoid. I want to go to the kitchen and grab a knife. I watched the door so if it swing open, I'll attack anyone who enter. Because my younger sister is sleeping beside me. I don't want her to experience that thing.
We moved, My younger sister with me. My aunt noticed with things about me so I couldn't stop myself and tell her. She cried. Then she told me about what my father told her when I and my younger sister were baby. He said that he'll be the first person to taste us. It's disgusting. My aunt apologize for not being there to help me. But... I don't know anymore. My whole life just flipped. I don't care about this thing anymore. I don't care if I die. All I want is for my siblings and mother to get out of this hellhole and live happily. I don't care about my father. Everytime I see him right now, I want kill him. But I keep acting nice so my mother wouldn't notice.
You might say I should go to the authorities. I can't. I can't do it. All I want is a whole happy family. I want my mother to be happy. I cannot destroy that happiness. I love her. I'm starting to understand how her mind process. She's a childish woman. She got married to a random guy (not really a random my second aunt's husband friend) who sent her a letter. When I was a kid I thought it was romantic way to meet your soulmate. She replied to it because my grandfather felt pity to that monster. She's so precious, I'll do anything for her. There are times she told us that she didn't want to have a huge family, she wants to graduate college and it sucks that had to go through that and give birth to us.
I'll do anything for my siblings. Even if we fight sometimes, they're the people I could trust.
I don't wanna die yet but most of the time I just want to. I can't ask for a professional help because as I already told you. We can't afford it.
That's all thank you. I feel like if I kept keeping it in me. I'll go insane.
If you're wondering what college program I am in. I'm taking Bachelor of Science in Psychology. I hope I can change myself and survive college life. ｡◕‿◕｡
