Venting I don't know how I am supposed to keep going when I see death as a logical solution.

[Namelesa]

What the fluff is the point in me continuing to live if I am miserable now and could end all this torture if I die now? I wouldn't miss anything if I am in non-existence as I can't feel or desire anything there. The only point of living I see is to relieve others' suffering but I don't want to deal with me having to suffer so much either. The positive periods are making me less happy and becoming more few and far between when the negative periods are becoming longer and more agonizing to go through. If there was a more effective easier suicide method I could access I would use it without hesitation but I worry about trying to get something like SN as I would need to get it from a PO box to not get my family to not know about it but there is the problem with the royal mail letter and I can't access other methods cus of my parents' other restrictions.

The only reason for me to not take this effective method if I had it is cus I may have something unique I can provide with my game development but other than that there isn't much reason for me to continue to exist. Other than this unique quality I have its pointless for me to exist as I am a burden to anyone I interact with cus of me being so emotional and needy. I can't exactly rely on my best friend even if he didn't end up leaving me as we have agreed to interact less now so it's easier for him to lie to his family and friends about interacting with me but I don't want to risk trying to meet a new person to make a new emotional connection to feel the void cus of fear and paranoia of failure, abandonment and hurting others. I just find death to be the most logical answer to end my suffering as there is no consequences for me if I don't exist.

The problem with that I have with coming to this conclusion about life, death and suicide is that it makes it harder for me to want to continue as I see death as the more guaranteed option to end my suffering while having no consequences for me but this way of thinking weighs me down cus I can't ctb. I don't know how to cope with this and its not like I can undo this way of thinking now that I already come to it myself. I genuinely just want to die but can't cus of my entrapment and that's worse than me wanting to actually try to get better for myself somewhat as I would have a reason to fight against my suicidal thoughts but with my way of think my suicidalness is completely logical and rational to me and so I would totally prefer to go with those thoughts if I could act on it. I hate my life so much.

 

[depressed-pos]

being extremely suicidal but unable to carry it out is a different type of pain, it is so consuming. my hope is no matter what is in your future, you can find peace. rooting for you OP <3

 

[Neowise]

I feel you. I have reached a point where I want to die not because of emotions, but because of logical and rational thoughts. It's dangerous.

 

[L'absent]

I have read what you wrote, and I can sense how deep the conflict you are experiencing is. It is clear that you have thought a lot about what you are feeling and that you are analyzing your suffering with extreme clarity, trying to make sense of it. This ability for introspection shows an attentive and aware mind that, despite everything, continues to seek answers even in the midst of pain.I recognize that, for you, suicide represents a logical and definitive solution to end suffering. When pain becomes unbearable and every attempt to find relief seems to fail, the idea of not having to face anything anymore appears as a choice consistent with what you feel and with your analysis of reality. Undeniably, it is an option that guarantees the cessation of all distress, with no possibility of further suffering.
At the same time, you mentioned a part of yourself that still finds meaning in something, like the development of your game. Even if it may seem minor compared to the overall weight of your situation, it still exists—an expression of your creativity and your ability to shape something. This could be a starting point to explore other possibilities, should you choose to leave this path open.
There is no absolute answer to what you are experiencing because every perspective has its coherence and logic. The suffering is real, and acknowledging it is already an act of great clarity. The fact that you are reflecting so deeply and that you have chosen to express all this shows that, despite the weight, there is still a part of you that continues to analyze, to seek understanding, and to question every possibility.
Whatever path you decide to take, this reflection remains yours and yours alone.

 

[squidsponge]

I just find death to be the most logical answer to end my suffering as there is no consequences for me if I don't exist.

I genuinely just want to die but can't cus of my entrapment and that's worse than me wanting to actually try to get better for myself somewhat as I would have a reason to fight against my suicidal thoughts but with my way of think my suicidalness is completely logical and rational to me and so I would totally prefer to go with those thoughts if I could act on it. I hate my life so much.

same! now what do we do??
Sometimes I think that I just need a single really impulsive moment, I mean I have the SN. What's the point of being in the middle .. living but not really ???

And then later finding yourself in a situation where you're somehow still alive but never planned to be here. this is its own hell.
logically if I have no desire to get better/ don't really see that happening for me, then it follows I should start going to the .

 

[Buh-bye!]

yeah there really is no reason to live, to be good to anyone, to do anything at all etc. if only my emotions weren't hindering my ability to act on logic, i would've killed myself. what fluffs me up though is these emotions or set of to dos, moral codes etc. aren't even mine, like they did not originate in me. i just feel them because i am scared that i 'have to', not because i want to feel them.

 

[Electra]

Sending you hugs I wish I had an answer or some advice to help you. But it truly is like that. We live because of a coincidence, the life you have - yours to turn into whatever you want.